***
Index
Part4: MINDOIR
- Coming soon with any luck!
***
Prologue
Shepard welcomed death. Again. This time, he knew with finality that there was no coming back. It seemed like a relief after the horror and destruction and bloodshed. Nothing felt worth living for. Even the destruction of the Reapers felt meaningless. Victory? It was an empty victory at best. Sure, the Reapers were gone but so were billions of innocents. It was hard to see himself as anything but a monster. He imagined that he could hear the cries of the dying. Certainly, he could feel the weight of their souls. It seemed only appropriate that he should join them. If they only knew what a fake he was. If they only knew how his legend was just that, a legend. A meaningless fucking legend. And he was so far from a hero. So very, very far.
Yeah, he should die with them. He deserved it. Yet even paying with his life wasn’t enough. He knew – he just knew! – that the truth of his life would be lost and those who survived would remember him as a savior. In the end, the Illusive Man would have won despite Shepard’s efforts to undermine him. Humanity would have its hero and would eventually gain the dominance that Cerberus had worked so hard for. This was the bitterest feeling of all. He wished that everyone would forget him. He wanted every trace of his existence wiped away, all memory, all records, everything. Maybe it was this desire to be forgotten that had made him act to end the Reapers and send the galaxy back to the Stone Age? Only that would bring some sense of justice to his death. Only that, he knew now, would never happen.
He tried to breathe but could barely suck in a mouthful air. He’d hoped to feel peace but instead felt regret. Laboring, he took what he knew were his last few ragged breaths, body crucified on steel girders, unable to feel his legs, and knowing that something sharp had pierced his belly. Blood was pouring out of him and the Cerberus implants were sputtering. One by one, their familiar hum died away until he knew that all the little machines inside of him were silent. He flexed and realized his biotics were gone as well. It was almost a blessing. Those damned things had made him nearly indestructible. Now he was fully human again. Human at the very end. He smiled.
He would lose consciousness soon. Blissfully, pain was lost as shock took over. He realized with a lazy bemusement that even his constant craving for Red Sand had disappeared. Sensation was fading quickly away. Biology, he saw then, was tender in its mercy. That was something he wouldn’t know if he’d chosen differently. Sure, maybe he would have lived forever. As a bizarre, mutated machine. But would that have really been living? Death was a gift, just like life. He knew that now. If nothing else, he had learned this one thing. It seemed like such a small thing, though.
He took obscure satisfaction in dying alone. He had been surrounded by people in life, all delightedly complicit in his lie of salvation. They had always been there. Most adored him. Most also feared him. Surprisingly, some had even loved him, choosing willfully to overlook his fraud, his true dark nature. All clung to him with hope, just as the Illusive Man had wanted. The Illusive Man needed Shepard to be a savior and stopped at nothing to maintain this fantasy. It seemed that he had won. Shepard managed to snort to himself weakly. It was a difficult weight to bear and he was so tired. No one had ever really known him.
If he had had the energy, Shepard would have been surprised by his tears. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d cried. He felt them falling down his grimy cheeks, bringing a host of foreign emotions that he’d all but forgotten. God, how long has it been since I’ve cried? He thought hard, fuzzy thoughts straining to remember the last time. When was it? When was it? Then he remembered. Oh, god, he remembered. Mindoir. That was the last time he cried. Fucking Mindoir, he thought. Fuck. Why couldn’t he just die without remembering that? But he couldn’t forget it. Even now it was the darkness of Mindoir that descended on Shepard just before the final darkness of death. And it was bitter as hell.
Part 1: EARTH
Chapter 1
Weird. Shepard had heard the stories about looking down on your body after life but instead of looking down, he was still inside, seeing through dead eyes. His body hung there for a long time, unmoving in the wreckage of the once-gleaming Citadel, now crashed ignominiously to earth. The smoke cleared and everything was quiet. There was a delicate peace in that silence that had never been present when the Citadel was suspended in space. Shepard liked the fact that both he and the Citadel met the same fate in the end. They had died together, two false idols brought crashing down. Maybe someday people would return and see the truth. There was no hope here. This place was just a final monument to destruction and false dreams.
After a very long time, Shepard heard something scrambling across the wreckage. If he had been alive, he would have held his breath but all he could do was lie there and wait. Eventually, the creature crept into view. It was one of the Keepers, the giant, insect-like helpers that maintained and repaired the Citadel. Somehow it had survived the impact and appeared to be unscathed. How it had survived in one piece while he’d been torn apart was a mystery. The things must be tougher than they looked.
The Keeper crawled up to him and looked him over closely, cocking its funny insect head and working its mandibles as if in thought. Shepard noticed that its backpack was missing and it was completely without technology. It was strange to see one of the creatures like this, almost like it was naked. If Shepard could have smiled, he would have.
And a moment later if he could have recoiled, he would have done that, too. The creature reached forward with its long antennae and probed his body. Even though he was dead, he could still feel the prickly touch as the antennae worked their way up his body, poking and prodding, stopping and starting again; the creature’s multifaceted eyes flashed. The probing was fierce. The antennae were surprisingly strong appendages and wedged effortlessly beneath the shreds of his armor, exploring every wound, sensing the whole time. After it was apparently satisfied, the creature began to pull Shepard’s body free from the wreckage, grabbing his corpse with its front feet. Shepard was glad that he could feel nothing because he knew the pain would have been excruciating. From the neutral ground of death, though, he was removed from all discomfort and merely left to marvel at the strength and agility of the creature. Why had he never paid attention to these things when he’d been alive? They’d just always been part of the Citadel like the fake blue sky, sterile fountains, and contrived trees. Somehow, the Keepers faded into the background and, other than the time he’d agree to tag a few of them for that sketchy Salarian, he’d had never given the insects another thought. Vaguely he remembered someone telling him that they had been an early sentient species that the Reapers co-opted, perverting them into mindless minions. And then the last Prothean scientists had somehow broken the link to their machine masters. Other than that, he knew nothing, save that they were benign and worked tirelessly to keep the Citadel humming. He wondered what the creatures would do now? He wondered how many had survived?
After a short time, the creature managed to free him from the girders and pulled him off the stake that ran through his belly. Bemused, Shepard watched from a disinterested place as the thing dragged his body along behind it, holding him with its funny hind legs and crab-walking on the remaining four. Was the creature planning to eat him? If Shepard could have shivered, he would have. He didn’t care that much about what became of his body now that it was dead but he didn’t want to end up as an insect’s dinner, either. He didn’t know what the things ate but they had to eat something. Maybe they were the Citadel’s carrion-eaters, disposing of the corpses of the hapless and indigent?
The Keeper dragged his body for a long way without stopping. The wreckage from the Citadel covered a huge area and it took several determined hours of dragging before they left it behind. The station had crashed in a deserted place, somehow missing the oceans and the sprawling cities that covered Earth. It was night and there was no light but Shepard was dimly aware of a forest. The shadowy forms of tall trees rose up around them and Shepard was surprised that he was able to smell the scent of pines. He never would have thought that the senses would continue to work after death. Death was full of surprises.
Gradually, Shepard became aware of a light in the distance, reflected on the branches behind them—the creature was dragging him lying on his back and he could only look backward. This lighted area was apparently their destination. In a few moments, the Keeper had dragged his body into a small clearing that was lit with some sort of phosphorescence. Were the trees glowing or were lights hanging from the branches? He couldn’t tell. The Keeper deposited his body in the clearing and then almost lovingly began to remove the remnants of his N7 armor. In a moment, his body was naked and the creature proceeded to arrange his arms and legs with care so that Shepard’s corpse appeared to be in repose. Maybe it was planning to bury him?
He realized then that they weren’t alone. More of the Keepers were present, at least a dozen. They were standing poised on the edges of the clearing, patiently waiting for something. His Keeper was working next to him and Shepard wished he could move his head to see what it was doing. There were soft sounds, almost like breathing and occasionally he could hear a sigh. After a long time, there was a final sound and then quiet. Had something or someone next to him died?
The next moment, his Keeper was standing over his body, holding him with its funny front feet and moving its broad, flat head close to his. Its eyes were flashing and they seemed to be filled with some kind of meaning that Shepard didn’t understand. It gathered his head between its antennae and lifted it up until his face was only centimeters from the Keeper’s. Then Shepard saw its feeding palps moving furiously until a greenish, clear, honey-like substance began to ooze from its mouth. He watched in fascination as the green liquid dripped off the palps. His mouth hung open, slack-jawed and he willed it to close, but he was dead and powerless to stop the liquid from dripping onto his dry tongue. Shepard wanted to scream. He wanted to vomit. He’d just wanted to die, for god’s sakes. Why couldn’t these creatures just leave his corpse alone?
A moment later, the liquid hit the back of his mouth and Shepard knew no more.
***
Shepard awoke to a dog licking his mouth and he sat up, sputtering. He stared around him, at his hands, his feet, his legs. Moving. Everything worked! God. Not again. Somehow, he’d been brought back to life yet again. Why wouldn’t they just let him die? He sighed heavily before he realized how good he felt. Better than ever, in fact. Maybe it wasn’t so bad being alive again? This time, coming back to life felt good. Last time, it was a bitch. He’d been filled with machinery and injected for weeks with liquefied Red Sand so that he was helplessly addicted and perpetually buzzed on the stuff. It had not been relaxing or comforting. It had been much more like hell. He had wished to be dead. This time was different.
He looked down and verified again that his body was whole, there were no wounds, not even any scars, although he noted with some disappointment that his body still bore the evidence of the Illusive Man’s curse. Still he was alive and he felt no insatiable desire for Red Sand. How was this possible? A warm breeze caressed his naked skin and he shivered. God, he’d never expected to feel that again. It was so strange.
The dog that had just been licking his mouth was sitting beside him, eyes alight with excitement, watching him expectantly. It was a mutt of some kind with a shaggy brown, black, and white coat and eyes of two different colors, one brown and one yellow. The dog jumped up on him and licked him exuberantly. Shepard heard himself laughing. It was the most unusual sound. When was the last time he’d laughed? It was almost as alien as crying had been.
He looked around. It was daylight and they were in the same glen as the night before. It seemed incredibly primeval with the sun arcing through the branches and tendrils of mist curling around the trunks of the huge trees. Shepard had no idea that places like this still existed on Earth. He’d never spent much time there but had the impression it was an overpopulated and polluted wasteland. He did vaguely remember hearing, though, that the planet had lost a big chunk of its people to the colonies and, of course, the depredations of the Reapers had killed off many of those who remained. Still, awakening and finding himself in this Edenic place made Shepard wonder if he really had died and was in heaven. After all, how could you explain the fact that his body was whole and healed? He’d seen the wounds and knew there was no amount of surgery or Medigel that could have saved him. Even the Illusive Man would have had difficulty bringing him back…
The dog wouldn’t leave him alone and kept jumping on him and rubbing herself against his legs. He reached down and curled his hands in her fur and then surprised himself by leaning down and taking a deep breath of her scent. She smelled like sweaty leather with a hint of manure. She must have found something to roll in. He smiled and stroked her back. He’d always loved dogs. Hamsters were cute but they weren’t the same. The dog leaned up and licked his face.
Shepard patted her and stood up to survey the clearing. It was empty, save for the tattered remnants of his N7 armor. He stared at the armor dispassionately. It was a relic from a lost time, a time that was quickly fading from his memory and one that he had no desire to revisit. He would need to find clothing soon but was not going to put that armor back on. He squatted down, examining it one last time, and then held the dog close to him before getting up again. His stomach growled.
“Let’s go find breakfast,” he said.
***
They wandered through the forest; it was startling to be in a place so filled with life. The day was brightening and the trees were filled with birdsong. He was surprised that so many animals had survived. Life in space had been a sterile desert in comparison; the whole forest seemed to be pulsing. Little animals (squirrels?) jumped in the branches overhead and the dog chased the ones that were unlucky enough to be on the ground. It barked excitedly as it treed one and Shepard called her back.
Shepard still wasn’t accustomed to the way life on earth was the opposite of life on Mindoir: The plants here were stationary and the animals moved. He’d been on enough planets by now to realize that Mindoir was the exception in many ways but he’d been born there and to him it would always be the normal that he compared everything else to. Mindoir was a dark planet, farther from its sun than Mars. Yet it wasn’t cold. There was so much carbon dioxide and methane in the atmosphere that heat was trapped making it a dark, steamy world. Plants had to work hard to get to the light so they evolved flight. The native animals had developed symbiotic relationships with the plants and did not need to move. Their strategy was to grow tall and proliferate, making attractive places for the plants to land. It was a wild and alien place to the first colonists but Shepard had known nothing else. It had been home.
Earth felt alien to him but also held a mythic place because it was humanity’s home planet. He had been raised with stories about life here from his parents and had dreamed of visiting someday. Unfortunately, his first taste of it had been under house arrest in the sterile Alliance compound followed by the Battle of London in which everything had been in flames. It had been a less than friendly introduction to the place.
This place was different. This was the earth of his childish imagination. A verdant, abundant place with plenty of sunlight, low humidity, funny, furry animals. Towering trees. It was amazing.
It was not real.
The less romantic reality of being naked in a forest teeming with life settled in quickly after that. Shepard picked off a few crawling insects that had attached themselves to his legs and swatted away biting flies. He began to rethink his decision to abandon his armor; it would have provided some protection. He was contemplating returning to the glen when he smelled the ocean. Or at least what he guessed was the ocean; he’d never spent much time around the ocean on Earth. He hadn’t spent much time on Earth, period. It was pretty much like any other alien world; it wasn’t home to him.
The breeze carried a fresh and humid but slightly fishy smell. Unconsciously, he quickened his pace, noticing what it felt like to move without the aid of his Cerberus implants. While he missed the speed boost the biotics and implants gave him, his body felt more tactile. He hadn’t realized how much being filled with hardware had numbed him to simple sensations. He finally had his whole body back and reveled in it. Who needed biotics and implants now anyway? There were no enemies. Hell, there were no people. Looking up confirmed this: The sky above was completely empty except for an occasional seagull. No contrails from spacecraft, no distant roar or sonic booms. The world around him was apparently devoid of people.
It should have bothered him more than it did.
They reached the shoreline by midmorning. Shepard’s stomach was growling loudly and he was beginning to anxiously wonder what he was going to do about food. It was an unfamiliar thought; even at the worst times, he’d never worried about food. He didn’t have any tools except the rocks that covered the beach. The waves rolled in and plunged around the shore, offering no promise of food. He knew there were probably fish in the ocean but how would he catch them? Even though he hated the thought of eating fish, he was so hungry that he was willing to rethink this.
He cut his foot on a sharp rock and cursed. Yes, it had probably been really dumb to abandon his armor. He should at least have taken his boots. Unconsciously, he flexed his forearm before he realized that his Omnitool was gone as well. He had nothing.
Swatting another biting fly off his butt, Shepard cursed. The dream of living in Eden was quickly turning into a much less romantic reality. Gingerly, he made his way back to the edge of the forest and walked in the direction he guessed was south down the beach. He didn’t have any better options; there was no food here so he had to go somewhere.
He was lucky. Only about a half hour’s walk down the beach Shepard found a small cottage, barely more than a shack, really. It was a bit rundown but at least its roof was intact, still habitable by the look of things. The dog, Chloe, as Shepard had decided to name her (after the sister he never had), ran excitedly toward the place as they approached and Shepard wondered if she knew the owner. Maybe this was her home?
The shack was small and made mostly of rock pulled up from the beach. The metal roof was rusted and one of the small side windows was cracked. Shepard held his breath as he pushed the door open. Maybe it wasn’t abandoned? Or maybe the former occupant was dead inside? He stepped into the dimness, breathing in stale and slightly musty air. He waited for his eyes to adjust, trying to decide if he detected the odor of death and decay. He’d smelled death many times and was intimately familiar with its reek.
Fortunately, the place smelled dank but there was no hint of decay. He breathed a sigh of relief and ducked his head as he stepped inside. The place was surprisingly cozy and looked like it hadn’t been abandoned for all that long, judging by the thin layer of dust and the fact that it wasn’t overrun by vermin. A large window in front opened onto the sea. It was only one room: One side was a kitchen with a small fireplace and the other was a sitting area with a bed in the back. It was basic but it had everything he needed, Shepard noted as he pulled open a cupboard. He smiled when he found neat rows of tins arranged on the shelves. He wasn’t going to starve! He picked a can up and looked at it. The words were in Spanish but he could tell from the picture on the label it was a can of beans. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d been so happy to see a can of beans! His stomach growled as he put the beans down and rummaged through the rest of the kitchen. The drawers were filled with kitchen utensils and a quick search yielded a can opener. He felt like cheering. He had opened the can and downed the contents in seconds.
Now that his stomach was somewhat full, Shepard wandered around the shack more leisurely, only feeling slightly like he was snooping. The place was pretty empty apart from the basics; not much to give him a sense of the former occupant. The bed was a bare mattress but there were blankets folded inside a small cedar chest on the floor. He opened the chest, held the blankets up to his nose and inhaled the unexpectedly crisp scent, smiling: You couldn’t find smells like this in space.
There was a pile of wood next to the fireplace and a box of matches that were still good. He realized that he felt like lighting a fire. The thought of fire felt comforting to him in a very primal way; it was one thing he could do without technology. As long as you didn’t consider matches technology…
Lighting the fire was easy but keeping it lit proved to be more difficult. Judging by the number of matches he went through, Shepard realized that he was going to have to keep the fire going all the time or figure out how to light it some other way—he didn’t have many matches left and a search of the drawers in the kitchen didn’t turn up any more.
After the fire was pleasantly roaring in the fireplace, Shepard heated up a tin of spaghetti with meatballs and fed Chloe a can of herring (the dog, he decided, would get all the fish.) When his hunger was finally sated, he looked around for something to wear. There was a small wardrobe next to the bed and he opened it to find himself staring at his reflection in a mirror on the inside door. It was startling. The man in the mirror peering back at him looked so unfamiliar. For one, he had blue eyes! Shepard blinked. It was true! His red, feral irises were gone! He couldn’t remember the last time his eyes had been this color. They’d been red for years; he’d had a Red Sand habit long before Cerberus but Cerberus had cemented it in him so that his hunger for the red juice was insatiable. The Illusive Man had needed a way to control him and the Sand was it.
His Red Sand addiction had been one of those things that everyone—even the Alliance—seemed to have developed amnesia about. Any other soldier would have been given the boot for being a drug addict but not Shepard. He snorted to himself, still mesmerized by his blue eyes but also feeling slightly ill. Who cared if he was strung out on drugs? Who cared if his eyes glowed like Satan’s? Shepard was their fucking hero. Shepard could get away with anything. Even genocide. He cast his eyes downward, ashamed of himself.
Curiosity made him look back at the mirror, though. His skin was pale and unblemished. The absence of his angry, red scars was almost as striking as the return of his blue eyes. Shepard couldn’t remember a time when he wasn’t covered in scars. Even the jagged one at his hairline was gone. His face looked so carefree and unlined. How was this possible? He didn’t exactly look young again but his face had lost its haunted, hardened expression and seemed almost innocent, vulnerable…human. Yes, human. He’d forgotten what it felt like. He was…he was a new man. It was bizarre. As his mind struggled to process all these changes, his eyes wandered down his torso and he found himself admiring his smooth, hairless skin and taut muscles. Had the block he’d had implanted on Mindoir to prevent the growth of body hair been removed? Would he grow hair on his body for the first time in his life? He couldn’t decide whether he cared.
Even though he already had noticed back in the glen, he flushed when he saw again that the Keeper’s miracle had done nothing to reverse his secret shame: The Illusive Man’s punishment for destroying the Collector base was very much still a part of his renewed body. Shepard abruptly looked away from the mirror, mood souring. He searched the wardrobe for clothes to cover himself up. Somehow he didn’t feel like walking around naked any longer. It didn’t matter if there was no one to see him; he needed to cover up.
***
There was a stream that ran down to the ocean not far from the shack and Shepard wandered along its banks, wearing the shirt, sandals, and mercifully baggy shorts he’d found. He’d held his breath as he’d stepped into the shorts, prepared for them to be, well, too small but somehow, miraculously, they fit. He’d strode out of the shack smiling, Chloe bounding ahead of him.
Shepard wondered what had happened to the man who had lived there. Had he been killed by the Reapers? Turned into a husk? Fled off world? Why had he lived in this place that was so far from civilization? Would he mind if Shepard took over his home? Would he ever be back?
Despite these thoughts, he guessed that the shack would probably be his home for a while. His decision to destroy the Reapers had pretty much ensured that. The Mass Effect relays were toast by now, most technology had been nuked, and the best and brightest of every civilization had been killed by the galaxy-wide war. He had effectively sent humanity and every other technologically-advanced civilization back to the pre-industrial age. Had he done the right thing? Looking around him and savoring the fresh sea air, the call of the gulls overhead, and seeing Chloe happily leap from rock to rock across the stream, Shepard felt guilty that he didn’t care. He didn’t want to admit it but a selfish part of him didn’t care about the fate of the galaxy as long as he could be here enjoying this simple place now.
The stream ended at a waterfall on the edge of the forest and there was a small weir at the mouth of the pool beneath the falls. Several large fish (Salmon? Shepard was only an expert on tropical fish) swam lazily within it, the sunlight flashing against their scales. Shepard frowned. Maybe he would have to get over his aversion to eating fish? The thought of killing the beautiful creatures and eating them turned his stomach. He was tempted to set them free but thought better of it. Even if he didn’t eat them, Chloe would still need to be fed. Somehow it was easier to think about killing them for her benefit. The irony of this private struggle wasn’t lost on him: Here was the man who had killed hundreds, millions, maybe even billions now agonizing over whether to kill a few fish. What had happened to him that he was suddenly so averse to killing? Clearly, more of him had changed than just his body. In many ways, he barely recognized himself.
The day was growing warm and he sat on a rock, dangling his feet into the cool water and watching the fish. Nothing about this place was familiar to him and yet it felt like he was meant to be here. Would he really be able to live like this? Could he make it? Stretching, he realized he was up to the challenge. As new and fresh as his body felt, the thought of going back to life in space, even as the commander of an elite battleship did not appeal to him. He was so tired. That way of life was over anyway. Even if he wanted to go back to it, he couldn’t. He lay back and smiled as Chloe jumped in the pool and tried to catch the fish. This was his new life.
***
He awoke to a strange sensation on his legs and sat up abruptly. A damp Chloe was curled up asleep next to him and the Keeper from the night before was delicately probing him with its antennae. The dog jumped up and wagged her tail at the giant insect. It leaned forward and scratched her behind the ear with its foot. The Keeper’s carapace gleamed a brilliant emerald in the sunlight and Shepard realized he was smiling. It was difficult to tell what the creature was feeling because its face wasn’t exactly expressive. Still, the way it moved its mouth palps and positioned its antennae forward made Shepard think that it was trying to communicate something to him. He leaned forward and it took his head between its antennae and pulled him in. Shepard found himself again face to face with the bizarre creature and was caught between a feeling of awe and revulsion. Its mandibles clicked together a few times and then a golden substance appeared between its jaws. Before he could react, the Keeper had pulled Shepard’s face into its own and forced his mouth open. The thick liquid filled his mouth and Shepard gagged before swallowing it.
Falling backward onto his elbows, he tried to vomit but despite his efforts most of the substance slid down his throat. He gagged again and some of the stuff came up in his mouth. He wretched and then realized that, despite his revulsion at being force-fed insect spit again, it didn’t taste too bad. He had a fuzzy memory of learning something about bees back on Earth. Wasn’t honey essentially bee spit? Maybe this substance was similar?
In a moment, though, he realized that the substance might taste like honey but it was definitely not food. His head started to swim and his vision swirled. He tried to get up but ended up falling forward on his knees, holding his head in his hands and groaning. Chloe nudged against him and licked his arm. What had the insect done to him?
Shepard tried to talk but no sound came out of his mouth. All he could do was kneel there and wait. Gradually, his vision cleared and the wave of nausea passed. Shepard looked around to see the world had changed. Everything was dancing with light. All the life around him sparkled with brilliance. Chloe was a bright flash next to him. He looked at his hands and saw that they shone as well. Even though it was sort of creepy and he still felt nauseated, he was filled with wonder.
He looked up and beheld the Keeper. The creature had become so radiant that he had to shield his eyes. He turned his head away from the blinding light and noticed the water, the rocks, the trees, the fish were all ablaze. Shepard forced himself to take a ragged breath. He’d experienced a lot of crazy shit in his fucked up life but this was entirely new.
He heard a light skittering noise. In a moment, he could tell the Keeper was standing over him, only inches away. His heart was pounding in his chest. He lost his balance and fell heavily back onto his butt.
>>I’m sorry, Shepard. I had no choice.<<
It was a woman’s voice, speaking softly in his mind. It sounded familiar.
“What is it with the spit?” he asked, fighting to regain his composure. The world was pulsing around him and it made him feel ill.
>>It was necessary. I do not yet have the technology to communicate with you another way.<<
Her voice was so familiar. Where had he heard it before? Shepard tried to place it while at the same time another part of him was busy calculating something. He hadn’t survived this long without learning something along the way.
“You need me for something, don’t you?” He asked. His voice had a hard edge to it.
>>Yes.<<
Shepard scrambled up onto his knees again, shaking his head. He had a feeling he wasn’t going to like what was coming. “Everyone always does,” he spat.
>>I’m sorry.<<
She sounded sincere. Still, Shepard couldn’t stop the bitterness from rising in the back of his throat. It tasted of bile.
“What do you want?”
The creature paused for a long time before answering. It was still too bright to look upon. Shepard kept his gaze fixed stonily on the pool. It was dancing with light. The dog was leaning up against him.
>>We need to breed.<<
He almost guffawed. “Breed? You and I?”
The voice in his head sounded ever so slightly indignant. >>No. We, the Keepers, need to breed.<<
Shepard raised an eyebrow, still unable to look at the creature directly. “So, go ahead and breed. I’m not going to stop you.”
There was a pause. Then the fateful words. >>We need hosts, Shepard.<<
Hosts. They needed hosts. Fuck. The Keepers were fucking parasites. “Oh. Of course,” he said dully.
>>There are not many of us left.<< The Keeper continued. Did her voice sound slightly rushed, almost apologetic? >>Nearly everyone in our hive was killed with the destruction of the Citadel. Our sisters are coming to replenish our numbers but…their progress has been slowed. We need daughters soon. Our work must continue.<<
Shepard didn’t detect a hint of blame in her words but he knew that he was the one responsible for the destruction of the Citadel. He was the one responsible for the destruction of relays. That was why the so-called sisters were delayed. Yes, it was all because of him. They were going to use his guilt as leverage. They counted on this to get his consent to be…a fucking broodmare.
Anger flared up inside, hot and white. Here was the story of his life, repeating itself. When would it stop? There seemed to be no way to escape it. Not even death was an escape. Everyone needed him for something. Everyone always had some reason. No one ever asked what he wanted. No one cared. Christ.
“Fuck!” he shouted, getting up and turning away from the creature. He refused to look at the thing. “Do you think I care? I just wanted to die.” He was shouting at the waterfall. The dog was agitated. “I don’t give a fuck about your sisters or your daughters or your fucking work. Why don’t you leave me alone?”
The Keeper was silent. Slowly, through his anger, Shepard realized that his nausea was increasing. He felt his gorge rise in the back of his throat. It was his lunch, bitter and acidic, mixed with the Keeper’s horrible spit. In a second, it was too much and he felt his chest heave. He had just enough time to spin away from the pool before he vomited on the rocks, stomach spasming. There was something in the creature’s spit. Something…wrong.
“What…did you do to me?” he managed to gasp between convulsions. He had been poisoned. The Keeper had poisoned him.
>>I’m sorry, Shepard.<<
He stared up at her, horrified. Her brilliance was rapidly dimming into something darker, more sinister. A shadow seemed to fall across him. A shadow of fear. What was going on with him? He reached out to her but then grabbed his sides as he was wracked with another spasm, the worst yet. He whimpered. When the agony began to ebb, he looked up at the Keeper, beseeching.
But the Keeper just stared at him with her blood-colored eyes before turning to leave. He cried out but she didn’t turn back. In a moment, she was gone.
Shepard cursed. He tried to vomit again but nothing came up and then lay on his back, gasping. His sides ached but the spasms kept coming. Worse than the pain and nausea, though, was the darkness that descended upon him. Darkness was pouring into his head, carrying away his thoughts and reason and bringing him face to face with…
Something else that he did not want to name.
He curled up in a little ball, fighting with the darkness. He would not give in. He would not…
Chloe whined and licked his ear. He was oblivious, lost inside of himself. Lost.
Shepard was alone and without any of his defenses. Here was the hero of the galaxy. The hero who had conquered the Reapers and death. The amazing Shepard. The amazing Shepard who was completely powerless against one enemy; he had no protection from himself. There was no Red Sand (god, he craved it!), nothing to shoot, no one to kill, no battles to win. He couldn’t close anything out. Everything came back to him, everything. All of the crap he’d worked so hard to forget. Every decision, every act, every memory. It was all there. Tearing at him. He could not look away.
A turn of a head. The sound of an airlock closing. An echo. De Soto. The Omega brothels. Explosions of blood. Torn flesh. An engorged Krogan. Heat. A distant shout, or maybe a cry? Syringes. Lapping. Cracked teeth. There was a woman cradling his head in her lap. Or was it a man? He smelled death. Rot. Someone called his name. Kaiden was calling for him. No, he was screaming. A lazy smile on a red-smeared face. He watched the light dimming in the young man’s eyes, an accusation and…sadness. He felt nothing as he pulled the trigger.
Fuck! The shaking grew worse as Shepard fought and lost the battle to…forget. He gritted his teeth and screamed. But the memories were all there waiting for him. As if not a moment had passed. They were fresh as blood and just as staining.
The stains grew, blossomed in his mind. Each memory gave birth to another and another, flowering red…ghosts. Flowering red. Flowering. Too fetid and heavy to be ghosts they bloomed there. Too much, too thick, too slick, too…
***
Chapter 2
The putrid stench of death overwhelmed him. Shepard felt like he was lying face down in death. He tried to sit up but collapsed again when he opened his eyes. The dog was gone, the pool, the waterfalls, the trees, the sun. He was lying on…meat. A pile of dead meat. The bloody juices soaked through him. His face was inches with a rotting torso, torn open and missing its limbs. He couldn’t even tell which species it had been. Piles of hands, legs, entrails, heads. When he moved, the meat moved under him. He turned to vomit and found himself looking in the dead eyes of an Asari. She looked familiar. A chill, then he realized it wasn’t Liara. Fuck. He pushed himself up on his hands; they sunk into the suppurating pile beneath him. When he pulled them out, there was a sickening squelch. The odor was overwhelming.
Shepard stared around him, numb. He knew where he was. He knew what this was. This pile of death was his death. These…bodies. These bodies were the bodies of everyone he had killed. And he had killed many, many, many. His head hurt. He closed his eyes but there really was no escape. It didn’t make anything disappear. He could not look away or forget. His hands were shaking, bloody.
He managed to get up on his knees. He dared not look at what he was balancing on. It felt large and…he didn’t want to think about it. Shepard forced himself up and managed to stand. The pile was horrific. It went on and on forever. He could not see the end of it. A thick red haze hung over everything. A dim red sun hung low in the sky. There were sounds. Sounds of decay. Bubbling, bursting, sputtering wet exhalations. Bacteria eating, slowly devouring, seeping through sinew and organs and fascia and…Shepard wanted to vomit and cry at the same time. How could one person live with this much death inside of him? His shoulders sagged. He felt drained yet still filled with horror. It was too much. He put his hand, dripping with offal, to his face and shuddered.
There was a low moaning and a vibration. Something moved by his foot. He picked it up and a thick, gelatinous tendril emerged. It was like a fat tentacle or a…he stepped aside and fought to catch his balance. A tremor ran through the pile of death. Another tendril emerged, snaking through the torn-open eye sockets of a Salarian. It oozed yellow pus as it crept over the bodies.
It didn’t take long. In what seemed like mere moments, a fearful, ghastly garden grew up around him. He closed his eyes and opened them and a sick garden of fleshy, drooling flowers spread there before him. Each was more lurid than the last. Each one contained a repressed memory, a forgotten curse, a fragment of his lurid past enclosed in dripping, moist, spongy, decay. He took a step. Another. He tried to look away but couldn’t. There was a path of memory filled with bone and marrow and goo before him. The flowers opened up for him as he walked past, following him, displaying their misshapen treasures, demanding his attention. Demanding. Shepard shuddered, filled with revulsion and disgust. But he looked.
There was no way out. He was compelled to look at every one. And memories burned inside of him like rotten fire. His only choice was to make his way past each nightmarish bloom, reliving his past, his feet slipping on ooze and gagging on the awful stench. The path wound around and around through more and more gruesome carnage. The listing, drooping, misshapen flowers of meat turned toward him and regurgitated filth. Shepard’s stomach revolted. His guts burned. His mind reeled. He felt feverish. He wanted to sob. But he had to keep walking. Walking. Walking like a shuffling corpse, following a winding path through hell.
***
Gradually, he lurched along, following a lopsided gyre that led ever upward, ever higher on the charnel mound of his life. The corpses grew both more misshapen and recognizable as he pulled one foot and then the other out of the slurry of decay. Here was the corpse of the boy killed in the shuttle in Vancouver, a vacuous, empty skull. Here was Matriarch Benezia, face half-eaten away, slumped over and grimacing at him. Here was a green and bloated Captain Kirrahe, twisted in agony. Here were the incinerated remains of Ashley, only her helmet and fragments of her armor recognizable. Here were so many others that he had condemned and forgotten, waiting their turns. Each was there to remind him of his selfishness, narcissism, and grandiosity. Each was his casualty. Each one weighed on him as he staggered on.
Finally, he looked up and saw the crowning flower at the top of the evil mound. In the center one flower loomed over all the rest, a corpse flower, its petals of carved flesh smelling of offal and pungent lust. Like a disgusting phallus of rot, it towered above him. It’s swollen, drunken head listing downward. It was a god who demanded worship. And sacrifice.
Shepard gazed upon it, sickened. God, he thought he had buried this memory forever but, no, here it was leering over him. Here it was. Here he was. This flower was his very own in a way that none of the others were. Here was the defining event in his young life that had set into motion all of the other events. Shepard whined, a pathetic mewling sound. He tried to take a step back but the path had closed behind him. There was only death and haunting and dripping blood behind him.
He was forced to turn back to the flower of despair and horror. He was forced to go forward.
He stopped. He would never go back there.
Never.
Never.
He tried to look away, tried to close his eyes. His eyes were burning.
But the Keeper’s venom wouldn’t let him go. He had to go back there. He had no choice.
He tried again, fought as hard as he could to keep the memory away. But he lost. He lost again. He was always losing. Every moment he lost.
And then he was back there.
He was back there.
He was back there, knees bleeding, sobbing. Here he was. A teenager groveling at the feet of that…sadistic Batarian commander who had…used…Shepard. Used him in unspeakable ways. Over and over. Used him. Forced him. Made him do…Shepard had been forced to…
Shepard’s shoulders sagged. This was beyond humiliating, it was torture of the cruelest kind. He was powerless to stop the memories, though. He was right back there. All of it came back and Shepard relived every assault, every degradation, every time his body had betrayed him with the lust and insatiable desire that fucking Batarian had awakened in him. Blood, pain, and perverted sex. That was how it had all begun. That was the root of everything. He lived every twisted second. It was all still there, alive and waiting, breathless.
It was as if not one day had passed.
***
Shepard shuddered and rolled over onto his side. His elbows and knees were bloody and abraded. He ached all over and his clothes were covered in dried vomit. Chloe was licking his face and whining. Shepard draped his arm over her warm body and held her to him. He wanted to curl up and die. The memory of the vivid hell that he’d just experienced did not dim. It was vividly there every time he closed his eyes.
He lay there for a long time, letting Chloe lick his wounds and feeling the beginning of a terrible migraine. The sunlight that had felt so soothing before now was too bright and he felt hot. He had to get out of there. He had to get into the shade. He turned over onto his side and groaned. The dog sat up and stood over him, obviously concerned. She made a low sound, not quite a growl and not quite a whine. He took a sharp breath as he pushed himself onto his knees. Everything was sore. He had endured much pain in his life but this was different somehow. He felt rubbed raw inside and outside. Defenseless. Vulnerable. He wished fervently for death.
He didn’t die. In the end, he managed to drag himself back to the shack where he collapsed on the bed and fell into a deep but disturbed sleep, waking only at sunset to a growling stomach and a still pounding headache.
The nightmare of his vision haunted him. It was worse than before. Sleeping had made it even worse. He couldn’t close his eyes without being reminded of his transgressions and his… God, fucking Mindoir. It would never leave him now, he knew. Years of trying to forget had been undone. Shepard fought back tears. Fuck, he hated crying. He never cried. Except now he seemed to be crying all the time. Fuck. Fucking Keepers. His thoughts swirled around in his head until he couldn’t stand it any longer and got up. Standing in the doorway of the shack with the sound of the ocean waves in the distance, he struggled to find peace.
They had cold, canned rations again that night. It was all he could manage before collapsing back on the bed. When he awoke in the middle of the night, his headache had grown insufferable. It took him a while to realize that he was suffering from acute dehydration. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d had anything to drink. How could he have forgotten to drink anything? He moaned and realized that if he didn’t move and get some water, he would die. Maybe that wasn’t so bad? Maybe he should just die.
He got up and dragged himself to the stream. The sound of it was the most enticing sound he could remember. He plunged his head into the water and was about to drink deeply when he remembered parasites. He didn’t have any medications and it was uncertain he would find any. The Reapers had destroyed civilization almost entirely. That meant no doctors, no hospitals, no medicine. If he was going to survive out here alone, he would need to be very careful.
He dragged himself back to the shack and got a fire going. Fortunately, there was still enough wood for the fire. Head splitting with pain, he stumbled back to the stream with a pot and hauled it back, having to catch his breath once on the way.
The pot like the cliché took forever to boil. Shepard sat there, holding his head in his hands and feeling nauseous while he waited. He knew it would be a couple of days before he was back to normal. Back to normal physically, anyway. This headache and fatigue and nausea would last for a while. He closed his eyes again and was face to face with Tagent, his Batarian…captor…on Mindoir. Shepard felt his gorge rise in his throat but nothing came up. He squeezed his eyes shut to keep away the tears. He didn’t want to lose any water. He didn’t want to be weak. The tears didn’t seem to care; they found their way out regardless.
He had to wait a long time to drink. After the water boiled for the requisite time to kill parasites, he poured it into a shallow pan so it would cool faster. Even so, it seemed to take forever to cool. He kept dipping his finger into it and then pulling it out. Still not cool enough to drink. Still not cool enough. Ah, at last…
It took all of his resolve to resist gulping. Some part of him remembered that it was best to sip water slowly when you were dehydrated. And take salt. He found a container of table salt and dissolved a pinch into a glass before drinking. It tasted so good. God, he couldn’t remember loving the taste of water like this. In space, his armor had efficiently recycled all liquids from his body so that he barely ever needed to drink anything. Life on earth without technology was going to take some getting used to.
After drinking perhaps a half liter of water, Shepard poured the rest into a pitcher and, placing it beside his bed, fell back to sleep.
***
He woke several times in the night to drink and then finally to pee. The first time he took a piss, his cock burned like hell from the concentrated urine but the next time was a little easier. By the morning, he could piss without pain and, while his head still ached horribly, he didn’t feel as shaky and nauseated. He wished that he felt so good mentally.
Nightmarish memories continued to flood in. It didn’t even seem to matter whether he was awake or asleep, whether his eyes were open or whether they were closed. The memories came and haunted him. Shepard held his hands up in front of him before getting up to make breakfast. They were shaking. He put them down and pushed himself out of bed. He’d had a very brief period of loving life again before it was snuffed out. Now life was even worse than before. He wished he could find some Red Sand. Grimly, he forced himself to think about food. Unless he was going to kill himself, he would have to figure out how to cope without drugs.
After a listless breakfast, Shepard counted up the tins and figured that they had enough food for a week. He didn’t want to use up all of the canned food right away so he decided he would begin foraging for food the next day, going farther down the beach and maybe following the stream past the falls to see if there were any good prospects. There had to be more remnants of civilization nearby. Maybe he would find more abandoned houses with stashes of food? Maybe he would find a weapon so he could hunt? That brought back more memories from Mindoir, not quite as unpleasant as the memories of his captivity but painful nonetheless. Shepard’s mother had taught him how to hunt. He shuddered, forcing the memory from his mind but not before he felt his trigger finger itch. Guns. Guns were almost as potent a narcotic as Red Sand for him. He wished for a gun, at least an old rifle with a good scope. Maybe there were deer or elk around here. There were stories even in the colonies about those large animals roaming wild in some places on Earth. And he judged this place was just about as wild as Earth got.
Even without a gun, he’d been reassured when he found a fishing pole and a spear in the small tool shed attached to the side of the shack. He wouldn’t starve even if it meant he had to eat fish. He grimaced at the thought, remembering his pet fish on the Normandy. It was just about the only thing he missed from the Normandy. The fish had always been soothing; they had reminded him that not everything was dark, brutal, and bloody in the galaxy.
After breakfast, he boiled more water and discovered a tin of tea in one of the kitchen drawers. It seemed like such a luxury; real tea cost a fortune in space. Shepard couldn’t remember if he’d even had it before and was a little disappointed when he took his first sip. It was very astringent; he wrinkled his nose but sipped it anyway, leaving the rest of the boiled water to cool for later.
He spent the day lazing around the shack. His head still hurt and his vision had weird, jagged tears running through it. Scintillating scotoma. He remembered hearing Kaiden describe the visual schisms when he had a particularly brutal migraine.
Kaiden. Fuck.
Shepard shuddered, putting a hand up to his aching temples. How could he have gone so long without thinking about Kaiden? If possible, he felt worse that he had just a moment before. He didn’t miss Kaiden so much as he wished fervently that his lover had survived and found someone more worthy. Shepard had been monstrous to him. He’d treated him like shit and expected Kaiden to take it. He’d felt nothing but contempt for Kaiden’s affection; he couldn’t understand how someone could debase himself the way that Kaiden did when he was with Shepard.
But now he saw the truth. And fuck it hurt. Fuck. Shepard kneeled down, clutching his chest. The pain of the memory was so sharp, he felt it piercing his heart. More tears. Fuck. Always more tears. Shepard sobbed. No, Kaiden hadn’t debased himself. No, he had acted selflessly. He’d even covered for Shepard, hiding the Illusive Man’s curse so that Shepard’s pride could remain intact. Shepard, in his selfishness and arrogance, had seen this as weak. But it was not weakness. It was not weakness.
It was love.
Why had he been so blind to that? And why had Kaiden put up with Shepard’s abuse? God knows, Kaiden wasn’t perfect; he could be infuriatingly analytical so much that his logic paralyzed him into inaction. And then there was his silly idealization of Shepard. Yes, he had acted out of love for Shepard but he still had idolized Shepard. God knew that Shepard was not worthy of that idealization. Yet that didn’t explain why he put up with so much abuse and ridicule. Shepard had always assumed that it was because Kaiden, like everyone else, was so in love with the legend of Shepard that he just ignored the truth. But was that true? And would Shepard ever get a chance to find out? He clenched his eyes, trying again to fight back the tears but it was useless. Yes, he hoped that Kaiden was lucky enough to find someone who would love him in the way he deserved. Shepard wasn’t good enough for him.
***
After dinner, Shepard built a fire from driftwood he gathered on the beach and sat down with Chloe on the rocks, looking up at the sky. The fire crackled and spit. The wood had still been a bit wet but he’d managed to start it with glowing coals he carried in a tin from the shack.
Overhead, the sky was radiant with stars and he noticed that there were still satellites orbiting above. Shepard knew that they had all gone dead and he was merely seeing sunlight reflecting off their lifeless husks. No spacecraft were visible and the horizon was dark—there was no glow from city lights anywhere. The darkness was complete. It was both eerie and somehow satisfying to him. Why he felt satisfaction from destroying civilization was a mystery to him. The regret he’d felt before was gone and, though still tormented by so many of his decisions, Shepard was at peace with his decision to nuke the Reapers and all technology. Maybe life would be better without technology? Maybe. But had it really been his decision to make? His feeling of satisfaction disappeared.
***
Private Jenkins was lathering up in the shower when Shepard entered, swiping his badge to seal the doors so that no one could interrupt them. He stood there admiring the young man’s firm physique and meaty butt as he stripped out of his uniform. He could feel his cock swelling as he savored the end of the hunt. The private, who obviously thought he was alone, was taking a really long time to wash his balls and ass, rubbing and rubbing. Stealthily, Shepard walked up and turned on the spigot of the shower next to him, watching the near weightless water droplets drift slowly down onto his body.
Jenkins jumped a little when he heard the sound, turning away and dropping his hands self-consciously. Before he turned, though, Shepard saw that the young guy’s cock was half hard. Shepard grinned wolfishly, feeling his own cock getting harder.
“Commander!” Jenkins exclaimed, rinsing the last of the soap from his face and standing at attention, though still half-turned away. He gave Shepard a wary look, carefully keeping his gaze on the commander’s face. “I didn’t realize the officers showered down here.”
Shepard reached down and put his hand on Jenkin’s hip and pulled, turning him around. Jenkins instinctively cupped his hands over his package. His eyes were wide as Shepard used the cheesiest line in the book, “You need some help with that, Private?”
***
Shepard awoke with a start. The dog was curled up against him and the fire had died down to glowing embers. God, why had he just dreamed about that? He hadn’t thought about Jenkins in years. The boy’s wide-eyed gaze was seared into his mind. He hung his head down in shame. Had he been responsible for the boy’s death? Jenkins had been killed on Eden Prime just days after their “encounter” in the shower. (Encounter? Part of him snorted. It was rape pure and simple.) Shepard had threatened the kid with death if he breathed a word of it. The boy had kept his mouth shut but Shepard didn’t trust him. That was part of the reason he’d brought him along to Eden Prime; he’d suspected that it might be a suicide mission. It turned out that his gut had been right; it was suicide mission. For Jenkins anyway. Shepard remembered that he’d barely felt a thing when he’d stood over Jenkins’ lifeless body. His only regret had been that he’d never get to fuck the kid again.
Shepard felt his face grow hot remembering this. He was a fucking monster. He couldn’t believe that he’d done that to the boy. Jenkins was barely nineteen years old. And he couldn’t even blame the Illusive Man or Red Sand this time. It’s true that he was using at that time—he’d been an addict ever since Mindoir, that Batarian bastard had seen to that—but he hadn’t been sanded when he’d trapped Jenkins.
Shepard took a deep but ragged breath. No, he could only blame himself. Jenkins didn’t deserve it; he’d never asked for it. And yet Shepard had enjoyed forcing himself on Jenkins. There was no denying it. Yes, he’d enjoyed it. And even now he was turned on by the thought of fucking Jenkins that first time. He hung his head lower and exhaled but no tears came. This alarmed him: He knew he’d done wrong and yet part of him still savored the conquest. The Illusive Man and the Keepers really should have left him for dead. He didn’t deserve to be alive.
After a long time, he got up stiffly and made his way back to the shack, knowing that sleep would not come easily that night.
***
Chapter 3
The next day Shepard hiked with Chloe up past the falls and had an unexpected find. After about an hour, he heard the unmistakable sound of a rooster crowing. It brought him instantly back to his early life in the colonies. Chickens were ubiquitous on Mindoir, proving to be hardy and resilient as well as an excellent source of protein. He quickened his pace, turning toward a clearing in the forest to the south of the stream. Chloe bounded along ahead but Shepard called her back; he didn’t want her scaring away the chickens.
Perhaps a half kilometer away, the forest thinned and opened up into a field. Shepard broke into an excited run until he saw the ruins of a farm in the distance. He stopped, chest heaving. He bent over and rested his hands on his knees, trying to catch his breath. Fuck. The images kept flashing in his head. Fuck.
It was morning. John Shepard was cold. The dog was acting weird. She was on her belly in the grass. He called to her, confused. He thought she’d be happy to be going home even though it was the last place he wanted to be. He didn’t ever want to go home again. He couldn’t bear the humiliation after what had happened at school. But he was so cold and hungry. He had to go back. Maybe he could grab some food and clothes and leave before his parents and brother were up. Maybe he could go live in the forest forever. Yeah, he would just live in the forest. He hated people. He hated Pablo especially.
Then he saw the thick, black smoke curling up on the horizon. He stopped abruptly when he saw the smoking ruins of their farm. John froze, paralyzed. What the fuck had happened?
Shepard sat down heavily in the grass, heart pounding. His skin felt clammy. Chloe ran back and nuzzled him. He held her to him. The chickens. The farm in ruins. The forest. The field. It all came back to him. Fuck. Mindoir. This place was just too much like Mindoir.
He stood up, hands shaking again and forced himself to move forward. He got exactly three steps before the next memory took him.
“Come on, John. You’re too slow,” Pablo called over his shoulder, racing ahead of him, toward the pale beam of sunlight ahead.
John ran as fast as he could but couldn’t keep up. Pablo was two years older, bigger, stronger, and faster. John watched him disappear into the thick fern-like plants that blanketed the hillside. He plunged ahead. His movements startled the fronds clinging to the stalks of the ferns and they lifted off, flying up before settling back down. The plants on Mindoir were mobile; they had to be in order to find and soak up the scarce sunlight.
John batted at the fronds and nearly plummeted over the cliff. He came to an abrupt halt, arms flailing. He almost fell headlong into the rushing water below.
Pablo laughed loudly as he stripped out of his clothes. In a moment, he was standing there naked. John stared at his body. He was so tall, so muscular, so…perfect. His dark mocha skin glowed in the dusky light of the forest. John flushed when he saw the meat swinging between Paulo’s legs. The skin of his fat cock was darker than the rest of his body, almost black. Almost more startling was that short, dense thatch of black pubic hair curling around it. Aside from vids on the Extranet, he’d never seen either pubic hair or a foreskin before. How…? Every guy on Mindoir was circumcised and everyone had genetic body hair blocks. John stood there, staring. Pablo gave him a knowing wink.
“Get those clothes off and join me!” Pablo ordered. A moment later, his biotics flared blue and Pablo drifted ghostlike down to the water below. Pablo was old enough to have implants. John was envious. He couldn’t wait until he was fully grown so he could get his own.
Pablo splashed around in the current, laughing. “Yo! Juan Pastor!” he called John by his Spanish name as a joke. It sent a thrill down John’s spine. “Come on!”
John stood there, swallowing. He was confused by the feelings swirling around inside him. Hesitatingly, he unzipped his suit.
It was clear even from that distance that the farmhouse was no longer occupied. He could see the stark, scorched beams rising like broken bones out of the ground even from where he stood. A chill ran down his back but he ignored it. He moved forward, feeling like he was in the company of ghosts. The memories of Pablo haunted him. That horrible day after…Pablo…had… Shepard flushed. That day when everything in his life on Mindoir had changed.
He steeled himself and crept toward the ruined farmhouse, the memories sharpened his senses and he realized he was holding his breath. He relaxed slightly as he approached and saw there were remnants of a barn. It didn’t really look like his family’s homestead on Mindoir at all. He chided himself for being so jumpy.
The house was in ruins but next to it was a barn that was mostly intact. And around the barn were chickens. How did they survive? He had no idea but he wasn’t going to complain. Maybe there were no predators left? Or maybe the chickens were just very good at evading them?
He discovered quickly that it was the latter: Catching the chickens proved impossible—Chloe kept breaking in and trying to “help”— and after a half hour, Shepard stopped, chest heaving and body dripping with sweat. He never thought he’d admit it but he missed the speed boost and stamina enhancements from his biotics and implants. Thinking about his pathetic situation made him laugh, a sound that surprised him. Laughing seemed like something he’d almost forgotten how to do. But here was the mighty Commander Shepard, vanquisher of the Reapers, supreme galactic bad ass, reduced to chasing chickens…and failing badly. He called Chloe back and made her heel.
He would have to rethink his strategy. Sitting down in the shade of a partially dead tree, he watched the chickens. They were pecking in the dirt mere meters away, ignoring both him and the dog. As he lay there, he remembered something from his childhood: Chickens roosted at night. All he needed to do was hang around until evening and wait for them to roost. Then catching them would be easy. He leaned back and closed his eyes. It was going to be a long day.
***
Shepard picked through the ruins of the farmhouse after he awoke from his nap. It had burned pretty much to the ground and he judged that the occupants had been made into husks based on the presence of the familiar skewers that he’d first encountered on Eden Prime. So, the Reapers had made it even here. Their sheer numbers boggled his mind and, if he extrapolated, it was clear that he’d annihilated them just in time. Even if he could still find fault with his final, catastrophic choice, he had to admit that at least he’d given the galactic civilizations a second chance. It may take a hundred years or more, but they would recover. And they would never have to worry about the Reapers again. It was something but it still didn’t make him feel better about himself. He was still a monster.
Shepard was hungry but didn’t feel like going back to the shack for food. Instead, he prowled around the old farmstead, looking for chicken nests. There had to be at least a couple dozen hens so that meant there had to be eggs. With the help of Chloe, they eventually located one. The hen was sitting on a nest behind the barn, hunkered down low to avoid detection. He thought about catching her—at least he’d have one laying hen—but realized he didn’t have anywhere to put her yet. He’d have to look around and find a cage or crate.
In the end, he shooed her away and she took off squawking. The rooster tried to kick him with his spurs when he approached the nest but Shepard turned on him, scaring him away. There were about a dozen eggs in the nest and Shepard hesitated briefly. He could eat raw eggs but he didn’t want to eat an egg with a half-developed chick inside. Chloe was looking up at him expectantly; she was hungry, too. He cracked the first egg tentatively and sighed. There was a mostly grown chick inside. Knowing it was gross but not having any better ideas, he held it down and gave it to Chloe. One more sin to add to the list: Feeding live chicken embryos to the dog.
Only two eggs were undeveloped enough for him to eat so Chloe had a feast while his stomach was still grumbling. Another search around the farmyard failed to turn up more nests. He was just going to be hungry. Giving up, he turned his attention to the barn; he would need something to put the chickens in when he caught them. Eventually, too, he would need to think about building a coop. He was walking over to the barn when the Keeper emerged from the field, clicking its mandibles. He felt himself go cold.
“Fuck off!” he shouted at it, startling Chloe. “You’ve fucked me over enough for one lifetime. Get out of here.”
It took a few steps closer but he backed away. The creature stopped, lowering it head in what might have been a sign of contrition. Or a challenge.
“Nice. Now go. I don’t want your apology. I just want you to leave me alone.”
The Keeper did not leave. Shepard decided to ignore it, turning back to the barn. He didn’t make it more than a few steps before he heard its voice in his head.
>>You can’t ignore me, Shepard. I won’t go.<<
It was a man’s voice. This wasn’t the same Keeper. Shepard froze mid step before whirling around and spitting, “Get the FUCK out of my mind!”
>>No.<<
He drew himself up to his full height and rounded on the creature. White hot rage exploded inside of him. “YOU HAVE NO RIGHT!” he yelled.
>>You had no right to do what you did, either.<< The Keeper stared up at him, clearly unafraid. Shepard hadn’t imagined it; this one was different. This Keeper was a darker shade of emerald green and its eyes were a different shape. There was something else different about it as well. It took him a second to realize that, while it was the same basic size as the other one, its body was heavier and its abdomen was fatter. And there was more. Was it simply because it was using a man’s voice or was there something else about it that made it seem more…powerful, menacing? Where had he heard that voice before? He knew that the Keepers were plucking their voices out of his memory but he couldn’t quite remember where he’d heard this voice. It unsettled him for some reason.
“So,” Shepard began slowly, “That poison the Keeper fed me allows all of you to speak inside my head?”
>>Among other things.<< The Keeper’s voice in his head was cold, flat.
“Other things like destroying my mind?” Despite his best efforts to control himself, Shepard’s hands were shaking.
>>Your mind was a wasteland long before we gave you the gift.<<
It took all of his restraint not to launch himself at the hideous creature. How dare this cockroach talk to him like this! What did it know about his life? Shepard loomed over it menacingly. The Keeper stared up at him, unperturbed.
“GIFT?” he spat. “You call this a fucking gift? Thanks a fucking lot.”
Slowly, the Keeper stood up on its rear legs. Standing that way, it was easily as tall as Shepard. The giant insect walked forward until it was inches from his face. Shepard crossed his arms, unimpressed. He’d killed far bigger creatures than this.
When the Keeper spoke, his voice was slow, steady, and calm yet there was an unmistakable menace in it. >>We should have left you dead.<<
Shepard laughed, a grating sound even to his ears. “Then why didn’t you? I wanted to die. I didn’t ask you…creatures…to resurrect me.”
Without warning, the creature lunged forward and knocked him down on the ground, grabbing him. All three pairs of its legs wrapped around him like a fiercely tight straightjacket. A very painful straightjacket. Its legs were covered with tiny, sharp spines that bit through his clothes and into his flesh. It was an incentive to stop struggling. Shepard shouted in alarm but there was nothing he could do; he was completely immobilized. Chloe, strangely, watched and made no effort to intervene. He didn’t know which bothered him more, being throttled by the insect or being betrayed by the dog. She was supposed to be loyal to him!
Shepard lay there on his back, breathing hard and trying to ignore the stabbing pain. The creature’s head was directly over his. He turned his head to the side, determined to resist being force fed more of the hallucinogenic spit. He refused to look into its eyes.
And he refused to beg for his freedom. He lay there, eyes closed and jaw clenched. He might be the thing’s captive but he wasn’t going to let it have power over him. He took a deep breath and forced himself to calm down. He didn’t care if the Keeper killed him. He didn’t want to live if it meant being its pawn.
A few tense moments passed and then Shepard heard the sound of tearing cloth. It took him a moment to realize the Keeper was using the little sharp spines on its legs to cut off his clothing. In seconds, his clothes were hanging in shreds off his body.
“What the…” Shepard started to say but the thing grabbed his face in its palps before he could finish and, with a frightening strength, pulled Shepard’s mouth toward its own. Shepard’s mind exploded. The fucking thing was going to force feed him again. He tried to scream but couldn’t. The Keeper was holding him too tightly.
>>You killed my heartmate, Shepard.<<
Heartmate? What the fuck was it talking about? What the fuck was a heartmate?
The Keeper’s palps were gripping him on either side of his head and his mouth was pressed painfully against its mandibles. He tasted blood in the back of his throat.
>>I would have preferred to let you rot but my sisters refused. They fed you her essence.<<
Essence? What?
Then he remembered the clearing after the Keeper had dragged his corpse from the wreckage of the Citadel. There had been something lying next to him. He remembered hearing it move. It made noises. And then the Keeper had regurgitated that stuff in his mouth….
His captor opened its mandibles, forcing his jaw open. Shepard tried to scream but only a gurgling sound came out of his mouth.
>>And now you and I are bound together.<<
God, there was so much malice in its voice.
The first drip of venom hit the back of Shepard’s mouth. He tried to close his throat but then something large and blunt rammed its way into his mouth and he had to gag. The venom trickled down his throat.
>>I hate you, Shepard. I hate you.<<
That voice. That voice! Now Shepard remembered it. Commander Tagent. His Batarian captor on Mindoir. The memory seared through him, making his mind go black with terror. He forgot his previous resignation and fought back. His body exploded with violence, writhing and wrestling with a crazy burst of strength.
It worked. The Keeper’s legs tore against his flesh but he succeeded in catching it off guard. Its grip loosened just enough for Shepard to break free. With a guttural roar, he threw the repulsive insect off of him and took off running, naked and bleeding, across the field. His vision was so clouded with panic that he didn’t even pay attention to where he was going, he just ran.
He made it to the forest but the Keeper caught up with him soon after. It jumped down on him from above, knocking him to the ground. Shepard fell heavily on his hands but pushed himself up before it could grab him, zigzagging around the trees.
>>You will not get away. I will find you. You and I are bound until we die.<<
“Then fucking kill me!” Shepard screamed behind him, losing one of his flip flops and kicking the other off to run barefoot.
In a moment, the Keeper was beside him, easily matching his pace even though Shepard was running as fast as he could. Shepard ignored it, pouring all of his effort into getting back to the ocean. He decided he was going to drown himself. He would rather die than become this insect’s plaything.
The Keeper must have read his thoughts. >>As much as I would love to let you die, I can’t. Your death would be my death and I have work to do yet.<<
“Fuck you!” Shepard kept running. He could smell the ocean. He was close. His feet were bloody and his lungs screamed for air but he was almost there…
>>Fuck you?<< There was a sound like laughter. >>Yes. That’s why I’m here.<<
Before the words could register, Shepard was back on the ground. The insect had grabbed him from behind and tripped him, wrapping its viselike legs around him. Shepard’s mouth was full of dirt.
The Keeper’s spines dug into his already abraded flesh. Shepard sputtered, coughing up dirt and crying out involuntarily.
>>It will be easier from this position anyway.<<
Shepard couldn’t take it anymore. He didn’t care how pathetic he was. He didn’t care that he was behaving like a child. Like a child. Like a child begging a sadistic Batarian commander. He sobbed, “Please! Don’t!”
>>What’s wrong? It’s not like you haven’t whored yourself out to aliens before.<<
The Keeper bore down on Shepard, pressing its long abdomen against his back and butt. It wriggled and Shepard felt something thick and slimy work its way between his buttocks. He screamed.
>>I’m big but you can take me.<<
Shepard cried out. That was exactly what that bastard Tagent had said the first time he…The fucking monstrous insect was doing more than mining his memories! It wasn’t just talking inside his head; it was inside his head!
The insect bit down hard on the back of Shepard’s neck. At the same time, he felt the slimy appendage work its way down his butt crack. It was heading for his butthole. He wailed even as he felt it touch, probe, and try to insert itself inside of him…
>>STOP! [unintelligible], this is not how you were supposed to breed him.<<
It was a woman’s voice. Shepard turned his head, straining to look behind him. It was the voice of the Keeper who had poisoned him.
The insect holding him didn’t let him go. Instead, it held him even tighter. Shepard cried out.
>>I don’t care.<< the male Keeper stated. >>I’m treating him exactly the way he deserves.<<
The female Keeper replied, >>It doesn’t matter. Let him go.<<
The male Keeper pushed itself against him but the…thing…pressing against his asshole stopped probing.
The female spoke again. >>[unintelligible], don’t make me use the gift.<<
Shepard screamed as the Keeper bit into his neck in frustration. Another second and he was free. The Keeper’s legs released him and it climbed off. Shepard sank into the ground, humiliated, in shock, and exhausted. He was shaking. Something snuffled in his ear. It was Chloe. She licked him. He pushed her away. She was a traitor.
The male spoke. >>Get up, Shepard. You’re lucky.<<
He tensed.
>>Stop using that voice.<< It was the female Keeper again.
The man’s voice changed. It wasn’t Commander Tagent anymore.
>>Fine. Is this better?<<
No! No! Shepard flinched like he’d been hit. It wasn’t the Batarian’s voice; it was Kaiden’s.
>>Stop it.<< the female Keeper said to his tormentor. >>I know what you’re doing and it won’t work.<<
>>Really? I doubt it.<<
De Soto. Now it was using De Soto’s voice. Shepard screwed his eyes shut. De Soto. It was all too much. He couldn’t take it. There was a sound behind him. He tried to cringe away but a moment later he felt something press lightly against his temple. He lost consciousness.
***
Chapter 4
>>Wake up, Shepard.<<
He blinked and opened his eyes. He was lying on his stomach in bed. It was nighttime. The moon was setting over the ocean. Chloe was pressed against him. He was naked.
He groaned, though he felt surprisingly good. All of the trauma from earlier in the day had washed away and he was left feeling oddly relaxed. The darkened room felt cozy, almost washed with a hazy gold twilight. He felt warm and safe. Had they drugged him? He almost didn’t care. He heard the male Keeper move nearby and he sighed.
“Why are you still here?”
>>I can’t leave until we breed.<<
Shepard groaned again, involuntarily clenching his butthole. “Fuck.”
>>Exactly.<<
He grimaced. He didn’t like the Keeper’s dry humor. It might be using De Soto’s voice but its humor and mannerisms were too much like Tagent’s.
“I thought ‘hosting’ was my choice. I thought I could say no.” He stated the words plainly, without emotion. He must have been drugged. There was no other way he could feel this…relaxed about this.
>>You can’t. I’m full of eggs. If I don’t…deposit them into you, I will die. And then so will you.<<
Shepard clenched his jaw and his asshole. “Fine.”
>>We’ve already been over this. You may be ready to die but I am not.<<
The creature climbed up on the bed next to him. Shepard cringed. “Go away.”
>>I will. But not before I fill you up.<<
Before Shepard could react, the insect had taken his head between its front legs. It turned his face toward its own. Shepard closed his eyes but not before he saw the moonlight flash across its ruby eyes.
>>Shepard, we have to do this. Believe me, I don’t like it, either.<<
Its voice was harsh but there was a note of something else. Shepard opened his eyes. The Keeper was staring at him.
“I really don’t want to host your brood.”
>>And I can’t think of anyone I’d less like to host my brood. It’s not our choice, though.<<
Shepard took a breath. Exhaled. “And…it has to be done that way? There isn’t a, uh, less invasive way to do this?”
>>No.<< Its voice was flat but Shepard was sure he detected a note of amusement in it.
“I see…At least tell me what you’re going to do to me. I deserve that much.”
>>You deserve far worse, believe me.<<
He tried to pull back from the insect but couldn’t. “Alright. I get it. You hate me. I don’t really like you very much, either.”
There was a long pause but the creature didn’t let go of his head. He could feel its breath against his face. This surprised him. Shepard hadn’t felt an insect’s breath before. He’d always sort of assumed that they didn’t breathe. He opened his eyes. The Keeper was staring at him; its expression as always was unreadable.
>>Ok. Here’s what will happen: You will lie on your back and I will insert my ovipositor into your anal cavity and inject my eggs…<<
“Do I at least get flowers?” Shepard interrupted, sarcastically.
>>No flowers but I get to fuck your rosebud.<<
He snorted. “God, you are a fuck, you know that?”
>>A pretty good one, I’m told.<<
“Ha ha. Are all of you insects this funny?”
>>No, most of us are pretty damned serious. I’m different, though. I’m the queen.<<
Shepard stifled a gasp. “Queen? You’re the queen?”
>>What did you think I was? A fucking drone?<<
He paused. “You don’t look different from the others. I thought queens were supposed to be more impres…er, bigger.”
The Keeper’s voice was impatient. >>We’re not bees, Shepard. Or ants. Or Rachni, for that matter.<<
“You just don’t seem very regal, or feminine.”
>>Neither do you.<<
Shepard snorted. “I’m a man.”
>>And yet you’re a queen, too.<<
“Ha fucking ha.” He tried to turn his face away but the Keeper Queen held his head firmly between its legs.
>>We don’t have genders like humans.<< It continued. >>But I guess I am roughly equivalent to a male of your species.<<
“I don’t know how it works with you guys but human males carry sperm, not eggs.”
>>I carry both. Sometimes. It’s complicated.<<
“Very. Ok, I don’t get it but I do get that you’re going to shoot my ass full of eggs.”
>>And make you scream while I’m doing it. If I’m lucky.<<
Shepard cringed. “Will you let go of my head now?”
The Keeper’s grip loosened and Shepard flipped over onto his back, massaging his temples. The creature’s feet had left indentations in his skin. He lay there for a while in silence, moving his hand down from his face onto his neck and then over his torso. His skin was smooth and unbroken. All of the tears and gashes from the queen’s earlier assault were healed.
>>She made me heal you.<<
“You guys have a venom for everything, don’t you?”
>>It is NOT venom.<< The words held more than anger; they held hurt. Shepard remembered what it had told him earlier about its heartmate and her essence.
“I…am sorry. It’s just. I…”
>>Do not apologize, Shepard.<<
Shepard slumped down on the bed. He’d been through a lot in his life but this had to be one of the more awkward moments.
“You said that you and I are…”
>>Bonded. Forever.<< The voice was bitter, resigned.
“What does that mean?”
The Keeper made a sound so like a human sighing through its nose that would have made Shepard laugh if he hadn’t been so unsettled. >>Can’t you tell? You haven’t noticed?<<
“Noticed?”
>>The bond.<<
“No. And I’m kind of glad about that.”
>>Don’t worry. You’ll figure out what it means soon enough.”
He lay back, feeling his heart beating. Strangely, he thought he could feel the insect’s heart beating as well. It…well, he didn’t know what to think. He exhaled.
There was a long silence in which neither said anything, then >>Let’s just get this over with. Turn over.<<
He sat up quickly, wrapping himself protectively in the sheets. “Wait!” he protested. “You can’t just stick it in me!”
>>Why not? From everything I’ve seen, you seem to have a rather long history of being raped.<<
Shepard felt his face color. His memories were apparently an open book to the creature. “God. Fuck. You know that was never my choice.”
>>Maybe. Or maybe the Illusive Man merely succeeded in liberating your true nature…as a raging bottom.<<
He scowled, fiercely hating the Keeper. “Is this your idea of foreplay?”
The Keeper didn’t respond. After a while, it got up on the bed next to him, shoving him over. Shepard moved aside, gasping as the insect’s rough carapace scratched against him. They lay there silently, both staring up at the ceiling. Shepard could feel the bed rise and fall with their breathing. What a fucking weird couple they made! He longed for the high of Red Sand. It made him feel fucking invulnerable…and fucking horny. Horny enough to screw a giant insect? He didn’t know but right now he’d take anything to get this over with.
“Will, um, they hurt me?”
He felt the insect tense next to him and he added hurriedly, “I mean, they are going to live inside of me, right?”
Its voice sounded weary. >>Our brood will feed off of you, yes, but they are very small. You will just be hungrier than normal and maybe a little tired but you’ll be fine. We don’t kill our hosts.<<
Shepard took a deep breath. Now for the real question. “And, the ‘birth’ process…?”
>>The brood will take care of that. You don’t need to do anything.<<
“Um, but, will I, uh, poop them out or something when they’re ready to hatch?” He couldn’t believe he was having this conversation.
The insect moved its forelegs up to its head and rubbed its eyes. >>Oh, for fuck’s sake, Shepard. No. You really don’t know anything about us, do you?<<
“No.”
It moved its legs down and rested them on the mattress. >>Christ, you fucking lived next to us every day on the Citadel and never bothered to learn anything, did you?<<
“Well, it’s not like I didn’t have other things on my mind.”
>>Like getting packed?<< The creature could be so sarcastic.
“Like saving the goddamned galaxy.”
The queen turned on its side to face him, propping its head on a leg. Shepard got the sense that it was purposely emulating human body language to augment communication. It stared at him.
>>Is this your idea of foreplay, Shepard?<<
Shepard put his head down. This was so fucking weird.
The insect sighed. It really was acting almost human. >>The eggs will hatch almost as soon as they enter your body. The larvae will crawl through the walls of your intestines and enter your bloodstream…<<
Shepard felt his butt clench. “Ok, maybe we shouldn’t talk about this now. This isn’t helping.”
>>Agreed. Shall we get on with it?<<
This time, it was Shepard’s turn to hold his face in his hands. “Do you have…something…you could give me that will help me relax? I’m not feeling like getting fucked by a giant insect right now.”
Another sigh. >>What do you think we are? Walking narcotic dispensaries?<< It pushed itself up so its back was resting against the headboard. There was a scratching sound as its carapace slid on the wood. >>Fine. Yes, I do have something that will help. Both of us. I need a hit of something myself right now.<<
“More spit?” Shepard asked, unenthusiastically.
The insect got off the bed in one fluid motion and scuttled to the floor. He heard it rummaging around in the darkness. >>No, just regular drugs. My sister left them with me. I think she knew we might need them.<<
It tossed something that landed on the bed next to him. It was a little sonic syringe like the ones that he used to inject liquefied Red Sand. He felt his heart begin to beat. Red Sand…
>>It’s not Red Sand, Shepard. We are not going to give you anything that will hurt our young.<<
He felt his hopes deflate. God, Red Sand would have been perfect. Fuck.
“What is it?”
>>I don’t know. Something they found in the wreckage. It’s supposed to be safe for humans. And Keeper spawn.<<
Which meant it would be boring. “Great. Thanks.” Nonetheless, he picked up the syringe and, holding it against his forearm, clicked the release. He felt a familiar whoosh as the drug entered his bloodstream.
Whatever it was worked quickly. Shepard immediately felt his body relax. He slumped back in bed, feeling a pleasant tingling sensation work its way up his arm, into this torso, and then down toward his crotch. He had a raging hardon in no time.
“Fuck…” he murmured. This was fucking great.
The Keeper queen was sitting on the bed next to him. In a moment, it was lying on top of him. He didn’t mind. Even the sharp bite of its spines felt delicious.
“Fuck.”
He let it turn him over, not caring when it positioned him on his hands and knees, ass pointing up in the air. Slowly, it mounted him, wrapping its legs around his torso and pulling itself tightly around him. Shepard moaned. God, this was amazing. Getting fucked by a cockroach, he snorted to himself. This was one for the legends.
>>Are you ready, Shepard?<< The Keeper’s voice sounded lazy, almost slurred.
“Fuck, yeah!” he breathed. “Fuck me!” His asshole was open, hungry. Fuck. He needed this. He needed this. It had been far too long. The psychological part of the Illusive Man’s curse reared its head for the first time since he’d been revived. He’d begun to wonder if maybe in that respect he’d been cured. But no. The familiar, burning hunger to be filled, to be ground into submission, to be…
Something slimy and blunt pushed against his hole. It was slick, wet, cool. He pushed against it, eager. It was so fat. Ahhh.
Wait.
It was too big. He cried out.
>>Easy, Shepard. You just have to relax a little more.<<
He tried. He was so eager but it was too big. Fuck! He wanted it. He needed to get fucked.
The Keeper made a funny clicking sound with its mandibles. >>Just a sec.<<
It hopped off. Shepard called out. Where was it going?
>>Hold on, Shepard. I’m getting lube.<<
In a moment, he heard a squelching sound and then something cold drizzled down his butt. He clenched.
>>Rub it in. I will hurt you if I do it.<<
He reached back and massaged the lube into his crack, slathering it around his butt cheeks and then into his hole. It was silky, smooth. He exhaled as he worked it in.
“Ok. I’m ready.”
The Keeper sprang on top of him and seized him with its legs. Before he could react, its blunt appendage pressed savagely against his hole. He screamed as it slid inside. God! Fuck! It hurt like hell and felt like heaven at the same time.
>>I thought you’d be more stretched out after all of your…adventures.<<
It thrust deeper inside of him and Shepard whined. “Piss off,” he gasped. Then, “And fuck me harder.” Was he a fucking pervert for enjoying this so much?
The insect obliged. It rammed inside of him. Shepard’s vision started to swim. Oh. My. Fucking. God. He didn’t want it to end.
>>Just a bit…<< The creature’s voice came in short gasps. >>Further…<< >>Further…<<
Shepard bit the pillow and grabbed the sheets. Sweet mother, but this was fucking amazing.
There was a pause and then he felt an explosion inside of him. The insect’s legs convulsed around his middle and it sagged down on his back. Shepard felt the…thing…inside of him vibrating as it emptied the eggs. It pumped and pumped and pumped, feeling like it would never stop. He felt them filling his insides, filling, filling. He was sweating. His whole body was on fire.
Then it pulled out. Its ovipositor made a loud sucking noise as it withdrew from his ass. The Keeper jumped off the bed.
“Wait! What?” he called out, butt in the air and cock aching. “I’m not done!”
>>So, jack off. I’m not going to do it for you. What did you think we were doing, making love?<<
Shepard collapsed on the bed, erection painfully pressing against the mattress. “That’s not cool!”
The Keeper was already heading to the door. >>One of my sisters will check in on you when it’s time.<< The door slammed shut and it was gone.
Shepard screamed into his pillow. That fucking bastard!
***
Chapter 5
His ass was sore in the morning when he awoke, tangled in dirty sheets. He felt like shit. His head was throbbing. He reached down and cupped his balls in his hand. They were covered in dried cum. Red scrapes and punctures dotted his torso from where the queen had mounted him. The sheets were covered in greasy lube and dried blood; they needed to be soaked in bleach or thrown out. Shepard shivered, memories flooding back from the previous night. He fucking hated that Keeper. Rolling over, he extricated himself from the sheets and sat hunched over on the side of the bed. God, life just sucks, he thought. He heard a noise and looked up. Chloe wagged her tail from its spot by the door. He groaned and pushed himself off the bed, feet landing heavily on the floor. Ugh, he was sore.
He felt…different. Looking down, he noticed his belly was distended. He felt a little queasy looking at it, knowing it was the alien seed. The queen had really pumped him full of it. Was it his imagination or could he feel them…wriggling inside of him. He looked away, forcing his attention elsewhere and fighting a wave of dizziness. He was really hungry.
He ate his way through nearly half of the remaining rations. He looked in the half-empty cupboard after he was done and realized he would have to start finding more food, hunting it, or growing it. He could tell that the brood he was carrying inside of him would demand a lot of extra calories. He held his stomach with his hand and grimaced. Fuck.
He washed in the pool after breakfast and headed back to the shack to find more clothes. The ones he had worn yesterday were long gone. There were another pair of cargo shorts and a tight-fitting t-shirt in the closet but the shoes were too small for his feet. He was going to have to either find his discarded sandals or search for more houses in the hope of finding some decent shoes that fit. Determinedly, he set out with Chloe bounding ahead of him.
He headed back to the farm, retracing his flight through the forest. It was easy to find because he’d left a trail of blood behind him. After a few minutes of searching, he found one sandal and then the other. He sighed as he put them on; his feet were too sensitive to go without shoes.
Rather than heading back to the barn, he decided to see if he could find the remnants of his N7 armor. He regretted leaving his boots behind most of all. They would come in handy—he couldn’t wear sandals forever and the odds of finding decent shoes that fit were slim. His luck didn’t hold, though. He spent several hours wandering around in the forest but couldn’t find the glen where the Keeper had dragged him.
He was starving and irritable by the time he and Chloe reached the farmstead. Daylight was fading and the chickens were already roosting in the branches of the half-dead tree in the barnyard. Shepard pulled open the creaky door of the barn and peered into the darkness. He breathed in quickly when he saw how much equipment was inside but he didn’t have time or daylight to search through it then. Instead, he pulled open the door wide enough to let in the pale evening light and hunted around until he found a small wire cage lying on its side near the door.
“This will do,” he said to himself and, closing the door, paced over to the tree. After roosting, the chickens became docile and they barely squawked when he scaled the tree and grabbed the first one. He jumped down and stuck the clucking hen inside the cage before closing it and climbing back up the tree. In short order, he had filled the cage and was ready to head back to the shack.
***
Over the next few days, Shepard stayed busy building a coop and fencing off a section of the grassy area behind the shack. It was a lot of work hauling everything but he was able to find what he needed inside the barn. There was plenty of lumber, tools (most of which were the antique variety that didn’t need power), nails, and other necessary items. Shepard was glad for perhaps the first time in his life that his parents had been homesteaders on Mindoir. He’d learned the basics of construction and had always been good with his hands. When he closed the door on the finished coop three days after catching the chickens, he smiled in satisfaction. At least now he wouldn’t have to sleep with the hens inside the shack. Chickens were messy and smelly.
He speared a salmon for dinner even though it pained him to do so. Hunger was his almost constant companion these days; so far the hunger and his rounded belly were the only noticeable symptoms that he was carrying the brood. He seared the fish in a pan on top of the coals in the kitchen, Chloe standing attentively nearby and drooling. The smell was grotesque and Shepard found that, even though he was starving, he could only eat a few bites before he gave the rest to the dog. She was getting fat while he could feel himself wasting away. He’d always been ripped but when he studied his body in front of the mirror, he had to admit that he was looking gaunt, except, of course, for his belly and his ass. He couldn’t blame his ass on the Keeper, though. No, that was compliments of the Illusive Man. ‘Fucking asshole,’ Shepard muttered. He was glad the Illusive Man had killed himself at the end; it saved Shepard the trouble of doing it for him. Still, he wished he’d been able to find out how to reverse the curse. Now it appeared that he was stuck with it for good. He stalked away from the mirror.
His stomach started growling again barely ten minutes after eating. Shepard forced himself to nibble on the fish. The food situation was not working out so well. He leaned back in the chair, trying to distract himself from the hunger. Tomorrow, he decided, he would go out exploring again and see if he could find a better supply of food.
The next morning after a somewhat satisfying breakfast of scrambled eggs, Shepard and Chloe headed south. Fate was smiling on them because scarcely a kilometer away, he spotted a flock of sheep grazing on the edge of the dunes. They had been feral for a while judging by their shaggy, filthy wool. His stomach grumbled as he watched them disappear over the far ridge. It was going to take some time to round them up and he knew he would be starving by then. God, he was hungry all the time. Fucking brood.
In the end, it didn’t take as long to steer the flock toward his home as he’d feared. Chloe must have had some collie in her because it immediately sprung to action, helping him guide the sheep back to the shack. She bounded around the flock, nipping at their heels and keeping them in tight formation. When they reached the shack, she left them alone and they seemed content to forage nearby. The dog would jump up and race after them if they strayed too far. Shepard thought that they wouldn’t wander too far but he would need to build an enclosure for them to spend the night. He sighed. Always more work to do.
The sheep were pretty ragged but seemed healthy. Shepard had learned a bit about animal husbandry growing up and he was confident that he could keep them healthy once he found the right tools and supplies. (Handling animals with hair would be new – all of the farm animals on Mindoir were hairless hybrids; the steamy climate and proliferation of alien molds made hair a huge liability. Even people were forced to wear bio-skins most of the time.) He reasoned that these sheep must have lived nearby before they became feral; he knew from experience that sheep naturally stayed close to where they were raised. He would search for the original ranch soon; there would most likely be supplies he could use. Once he found something to shear off their overgrown coats, Shepard guessed that they would look much better. It amused him that he was living up to his name: Shepard the shepherd. It seemed appropriate.
He spent the rest of the day rolling a big spool of wire from the barn where he’d discovered the chickens. It was a difficult job due to the uneven terrain and he was exhausted by the time he made it back to the shack. He collapsed on the rocks near the waterfall, breathing hard and listening to the echoing sounds coming from his empty stomach. If he concentrated, he thought he could feel his body vibrating slightly. Was that the vibration from the hatchlings swimming around inside of him? A chill went down his spine and he forced himself to think of something else.
There had been no sign of the Keepers since that supremely awkward night a week ago. He lay there wondering where they lived and what they were doing. The queen had talked about work. What sort of work were they doing that required a new generation of workers? If he asked, would they tell him? It was sort of unfair that they could mine his mind for memories but he couldn’t do the same with them. They were such a mysterious species. He had the feeling that there was a lot more to them than anyone had ever suspected. That could be problematic, especially if their interests came into conflict with the other civilizations in the galaxy. He preferred not to think about this too much.
He stretched out, watching clouds gather overhead. The sun was still warm, though, and he felt more or less peaceful. It felt good to just lie there and relax. His mind drifted back to the Keepers. The queen had talked about the bond that supposedly connected it with Shepard. What did that mean? Bonded to a giant insect? The creature had seemed surprised that he was unaware of the connection they shared but Shepard couldn’t feel anything special. It’s true that he felt different since he’d been brought back to life but he attributed that to the weird poison they’d fed him and its impact on his psyche. At night, his dreams were more vivid and frightening and, during the daytime, nothing he did could prevent the sordid memories of his past from overtaking him. He’d learned gradually that there was nothing he could do about it; he just had to endure reliving it all. The Keeper spit had done something to remove his ability to suppress difficult memories. It sucked. A lot.
More clouds rolled in off the ocean. The weather had generally been mild since he’d arrived. It had rained briefly a couple of nights and once during the day. He wasn’t very familiar with the Earth and its seasons but he thought it was probably late spring. The time to plant a garden, he thought and closed his eyes. God, there was so much to do.
He stripped out of his sweaty clothes and squatted by the pool, dipping them in the water and wringing them out. He needed to find detergent soon. His limited wardrobe was beginning to stink and the sheets on the bed were disgusting to say the least. He scooped up water in his hands and drizzled it over his head, shoulders sagging. Building a homestead was a lot of work. He couldn’t think about it now, though. He needed a break. Taking a deep breath, he slipped into the water and drifted around on his back, watching his toes. They were blistered and red from wearing sandals all the time. This was yet another reason he needed to explore the area more thoroughly; his shoe situation was poor. He closed his eyes, savoring the coolness of the water and feeling his muscles relax. Yeah, maybe building a homestead took a lot of work but he was up to it. He would build his home and be self-sufficient. He was Commander Shepard after all; he could do anything he fucking pleased. He smiled and closed his eyes.
It was when he was climbing up the rocks out of the pool that he noticed it. His balls pinched between his legs. He cringed and reached down, feeling them. Was it his imagination or were they bigger than usual? He examined them critically. Yes, his sac looked red and slightly inflamed. He rolled them around in his hand. Definitely bigger and heavier and…kind of sore. He squeezed gently and gasped. Fuck! Yeah, that hurt. Maybe he’d strained them rolling the wire? He didn’t have underwear. Maybe he should find some for support? He flushed thinking about this. He hadn’t needed support since…um, the Illusive Man’s curse. It hadn’t been…necessary any longer. Shepard dropped his balls and grunted. God, they were sore!
The burning had started almost immediately after he gave the order for Joker to destroy the Collector base. He’d been in decontamination, waiting for the beams of light to sear all foreign material off of his armor when he felt it. He shifted and pulled at the back of his armor. His butt felt hot and was getting hotter by the moment. He jumped up and down, trying to ignore it. Fuck. Why now? He was in the middle of flirting with De Soto. Shepard had personally broken the young corporal out of his prison in the Collector pod, moments before he would have been dissolved. Shepard had cradled him protectively in his arms as De Soto had coughed and gagged. He made sure that his was the first face that the young man saw when his eyes blinked open.
“Thank you for saving us, Commander,” De Soto was saying, his brown eyes filled with emotion. Shepard smiled and looked down at the floor in pretend modesty.
And then, irritated, pulled again at the back of his armor. What the fuck was making his ass burn like this? Had he picked up something on the Collector base? He felt himself flush at the thought but then realized he was being crazy. His was the best biocontainment suit in the galaxy.
De Soto gave him a funny look. Shepard quickly put his hand on the corporal’s shoulder and squeezed, saying, “Listen, Corporal, I’ve got to get to the bridge right now but if you wanted to meet up in my cabin later on…”
The corporal swallowed. He knew the stories about the commander as well as anyone on the crew but after only a moment’s hesitation, answered breathlessly, “Yes, sir!”
Shepard’s ass was fucking on fire! It took all of his self-control to give De Soto his famous winning smile and wink. “Say, at 2100 hours?”
He didn’t even wait for De Soto’s answer before turning and speeding out of the bay, heading to his cabin. He had to get his fucking armor off!
The elevator took forever. Shepard danced around hyperactively, not caring how stupid he looked. He yanked hard on the plating that covered his butt. When the elevator finally opened, he lurched out and slammed his fist against the door to his cabin and waited and waited and waited. God, it took forever to open up. When it finally slid open, he charged in and slammed his fist against the panel to lock it behind him.
For some reason, he had a lot of trouble unbuckling his armor. It was like he’d gained weight or something. He fought with the fasteners around his waist but they were so tight, he had to break them with bayonet on his Omnitool. When the lower half of his armor finally fell away, Shepard breathed a sigh of relief, reaching back and massaging his ass cheeks.
But it wasn’t over.
Shepard massaged his temples. Was he getting another migraine? Remembering the curse and De Soto made him feel ill. Those fucking Keepers! That fucking Illusive Man! He felt his pulse pounding in his head and wanted to vomit. Nothing could stop the memories from coming, though. Nothing.
The monitor on his desk blinked on as he was standing there, cupping his sore ass in his hands and wondering why it felt so weird.
“Hey!” he exclaimed, diving for cover. What was EDI thinking? “Some privacy here!” he shouted.
“Shepard.” It was the Illusive Man’s voice. “You’ve done a very bad thing.”
“Fuck off.”
There was that familiar dry laugh that made Shepard’s skin crawl. “I knew I couldn’t trust you. That’s why I had Wilson implant these…safeguards.”
Shepard massaged his ass, stifling a moan and feeling a sinking dread settle over him at the mention of Wilson. Wilson, that psycho who had tried to destroy him and everyone else involved in the Lazarus Project. “What…the fuck are you talking about?” he managed to gasp.
He could hear the Illusive Man take a drag from his cigarette before exhaling through his nose. “Oh, I think you’ll figure it out soon enough. In fact, I think you’re figuring it out right now.”
Shepard rubbed his ass and felt the burning ominously begin to spread. He grabbed his groin as his balls started to throb. What? What…was…the Illusive Man doing to him?
“You’re a fucking monster!” he shouted.
“Ah, Shepard. You know that I always end up on top.”
He tried to answer but only a low moan escaped his lips. He sank to his knees.
The Illusive Man continued. “But don’t worry. I don’t hold grudges. In fact, despite your betrayal, I couldn’t be happier.”
Shepard’s cock was on fire now, pulsing with painful vigor. It hurt to touch it. He gritted his teeth and clenched his jaw. “What…are…you…?”
The Illusive Man ignored him. “Yes, the amazing Commander Shepard has triumphed once again. Let’s celebrate your incredible victory, shall we?”
Shepard’s chest was heaving, he couldn’t breathe. The heat was searing through his entire lower body now. He couldn’t stand it. He couldn’t stand it.
There was a pause followed by the unmistakable sound of a champagne cork popping. Shepard heard sloshing and the fizzing noise of a glass being filled. “Yes, Shepard,” the Illusive Man said brightly, “Let’s celebrate. Bottoms up!”
Shepard collapsed onto his hands and knees, ass in the air, sweating pouring down his face. “ARRGHHH!”
God, he hated those fucking Keepers! How many times would he be forced to relive all the shit from his past? It wasn’t fucking fair. Shepard gingerly stepped into his shorts, wincing as his balls slid down the leg and were pinched between the coarse fabric of his cargos and his thigh. He really needed to find some underwear.
Vaguely, as if from far away, he heard the door of his cabin open with a whoosh. It took a second for this to register before he lurched up painfully and slammed his fist against the panel of the bathroom door. The door closed and he fell back awkwardly, landing heavily with a grunt. He was still wearing the upper half of his armor but his lower half was naked, exposed, and…and…and..God, he couldn’t take it. He dropped his head into his hands, humiliated beyond measure.
He heard footsteps. Fuck! De Soto.
“EDI!” he hissed. “I told you no visitors!”
The computer’s voice was prim and precise. “But, Shepard, I heard you confirm with De Soto your tryst at 2100 hours.”
“Get him out of here!”
From the other side of the door, he heard De Soto’s voice. It was tentative. “Commander?”
Shepard scrambled back into the corner, the humiliation he felt constricting his voice. “Corporal, we have to reschedule.”
There was a pause. EDI broke in. “The Commander is indisposed, Corporal De Soto. He asks that you leave him alone.”
“But…” There was a note of something in his voice that sent a shiver down Shepard’s back. He held his breath, hoping to hear De Soto’s footsteps retreating. Instead, though, he heard rummaging sounds. The corporal was going through his things!
“De Soto!” he yelled, scrambling with difficulty up on his haunches. He looked down at himself and flinched, collapsing back again. He could not go out there looking like this.
There was a long silence followed by a shuffling sound. In a moment, the bathroom door slid open and Shepard gaped up at De Soto’s darkened outline. The corporal was holding a syringe of liquefied Red Sand against his forearm and Shepard watched in disbelief as he pressed the little injector. There was that sound. That sound. That sound that Shepard knew so well as the drug filled De Soto’s veins. A feral red glow filled his eyes as he looked menacingly down at his commanding officer.
He dropped the syringe on the floor and reached down to unbuckle his belt.
***
Chapter 6
Shepard’s head was pounding and the first drops of rain began to fall, splashing on the rocks and on his naked skin. He was so tired but he couldn’t go back to the shack. He couldn’t go in there right now. The memories were too painful and persistent. He just needed to get out of there.
He walked. Yes, walking was exactly what he needed. He needed to get out there.
He wandered back into the forest, not paying attention to where he was going but vaguely aware that he was heading generally south. The rain became heavy and he was quickly soaked. He didn’t care. He just needed to walk and it was a warm rain at least.
The rain pattered around him, dripping from the trees above him. The sky grew darker, more menacing. Shepard didn’t notice. After an hour or so, he heard thunder. It sounded like the engines of the Normandy as it was lifting off and this triggered more unpleasant memories. He wiped his face with the back of his hand and kept walking. The aching in his balls had grown worse and he held them protectively in his hands as he walked. Even the gentle jostling of his stride caused stabs of pain. His depressed mood began to give way to alarm. He needed to see a doctor. He must have really strained himself when he moved the fence. What was he going to do?
He stopped walking and stood there, cringing with pain. The rain pelted down on him and it was getting colder. He regretted leaving his shirt behind at the pool. Even soaked, it would have been better than nothing. He guessed that evening was still several hours away but it already felt like it was getting dark. Lightning flashed overhead followed by a boom. For the first time since he’d been resurrected by the Keepers, Shepard felt despair. What was he fucking doing out here?
He looked around. The forest had melted away and he was standing on the edge of a vast, grassy plain. It was raining so hard that he couldn’t see very far. What he could see looked pretty desolate. Was this the ranchland where the sheep had come from?
Shepard had to make a decision. Was he going to turn back? That meant wandering back through the forest and he questioned whether he would be able to find his way. However, if he went forward, he didn’t know how far he would have to walk before he found shelter. Neither option seemed appealing. He turned and stared out to the west. The ocean was far off and dark. To the east, he saw low foothills rising up. There was another lightning crack and he thought he saw a flash on the hillside. A reflection off windows, maybe? It wasn’t that far away. His balls contracted painfully in his hands; they made up his mind for him: he couldn’t walk far like this.
It was an agonizing walk across the fields to the low rise of hills. Even though the ground was even and the grass was short, every step was pure torture. God, his balls were hot and throbbing to the touch and worse, the rest of his body felt icy cold. He began shivering uncontrollably.
Kaiden.
Fuck. It sickened Shepard that he thought of his lover only when he was in need. Kaiden wasn’t his fucking nurse. The way Shepard had treated him was disgusting. He had acted like it was Kaiden’s duty to take care of him. Like he was entitled to royal treatment. God, he’d been horrible.
Yet, he couldn’t push the thought of Kaiden out of his mind. Fuck. How he ached for him! Kaiden was the only person who had really loved him. Shepard was just a fucking idol to everyone else but to Kaiden he was real. Yeah, right, a voice in his head added sourly, he was a real idiot for letting you treat him like shit.
He took another excruciating step and groaned. Despite the pain and the freezing rain, Shepard’s thoughts were drawn back to those first days on the Normandy.
When he’d first met Kaiden, he’d felt attracted to him but he had acted cold. It was his winning strategy.
It didn’t work.
Kaiden didn’t seem to notice that Shepard was being cold to him. This pissed him off; Shepard was used to people competing for his attention. Fuck, as his reputation had grown, even the hetero soldiers practically dropped their pants and grabbed their ankles as soon as they met him. The worse he treated people, the more they vied for his attention. But Kaiden had kept his head down and done his job. In fact, it felt like Kaiden was the one who was ignoring him. Sure, he was polite and saluted and did everything that Shepard told him but nothing more. Not even a sidelong glance or a wistful look. It made Shepard crazy. When he had finally leaned across the major’s console and kissed him, Kaiden’s look had been one of genuine surprise. His eyebrows had arched up in that funny way. He blinked. There was a single breathless moment when Shepard watched something rise up in Kaiden’s eyes. What was it? He’d never seen anything like it in a man’s gaze before. Uncharacteristically, he wondered if he’d made a mistake.
The next instant confirmed it. The look had vanished as Kaiden grabbed him by the collar, shoved him against the wall, and devoured his mouth in a passionate kiss. The deck went completely silent. The only sound was the hum of the Normandy’s engines. It was Shepard’s turn to freeze. Electricity coursed through his body. He kicked his feet helplessly; Kaiden’s biotics had lifted him ten centimeters in the air. He was caught between helplessness and raging desire. He wanted to fucking kill the bastard for daring to immobilize him. At the same time, his cock was straining in his uniform, aching to fuck the bastard hard and furiously. Finally, desire won out and he gave in; Kaiden manhandled him back to his cabin. There, they’d engaged in the most brutal, animalistic sex since Shepard had been fucked by Tagent.
And Shepard had loved every second of it.
God, he shook his head. Where was Kaiden now? Shepard wanted to die.
There was hail in the rain now. Shepard was shivering and miserable. Fuck. That kiss. That fucking kiss. Kaiden. He hung his head and limped along, shaking from cold and misery. His life was nothing but darkness and ghosts.
***
Despite his mood, Shepard’s famous luck came through once again. As he labored up the hill, another lightning flash clearly illuminated a house above, probably the main holding of the ranch. He was in so much agony that he couldn’t take in many details but he was dimly aware that it was new and modular, much like the podlike structures that were so ubiquitous on the colonies. Like his home on Mindoir. He frowned. Apparently, the modular units had found favor here on Earth as well.
The place was hermetically sealed and, if Shepard hadn’t known about the safety release mechanism hidden inside the security panel, he would have had a very hard time getting inside. As it was, he had to struggle for several long minutes. His fingers were numb and slippery and it fucking killed him to drop his balls and let them hang. He gritted his teeth and tried to focus on the door.
When the catch released and the door slid open, Shepard staggered through. He didn’t have it in him to feel relief. The air inside was stale and vaguely smelled of mildew. He didn’t bother closing the door behind him. Grabbing his nuts, he lurched down the hall and fell down on the nearest bed. It was unmade but there were blankets in a heap at the foot. He rolled up in them and carefully arranged his balls before passing out.
He didn’t dream. He didn’t have nightmares. He just slept.
Chloe found him sometime during the night. He awoke to her licking his face. At first, he was touched but then realized that she had probably come to find him because she was hungry. He stretched and yawned. It was completely dark in the house and he had no way of making light. His stomach growled. Fuck. Why had he not thought about dinner? Why had he wandered off like that?
He lay back and held the dog to him, petting her and feeling her warm breath on his neck. She licked his chin.
“Yeah, I know. You’re hungry. So am I. I fucked up and didn’t bring food, though.”
His stomach growled again, more loudly this time. He sighed and realized that he would just have to wait until morning to eat. It was going to be a very long night. At least his balls weren’t throbbing any more. He reached down and cupped them in his hand.
And swore. Could things get any worse? He couldn’t deal with this right now. He would worry about them in the morning. After he ate. At least they weren’t aching now. Fuck.
He lay there, stroking Chloe’s head and listening to the steady drum of rain on the roof. It took him a long time to fall back to sleep.
***
In spite of his hunger, Shepard slept late. The first rays of sun were cresting the mountains to the east and slanting into his eyes through the windows. He rolled over onto his chest and cringed as his oversized balls flopped across his thighs.
“Fuck,” he said, reaching down and repositioning them carefully between his legs. They were fucking huge.
Shepard stretched and rubbed his temples. Could his life get any more fucked up? The idea that the Keeper brood was somehow related to his enlarged nuts was beginning to dawn on him. Was it his imagination or were his nuts jiggling around down there? He shivered, exhaling slowly. He was going to kick that insect’s ass when he saw it again.
Chloe was staring at him with that expectant look that he knew well by now. He groaned and sat up on his elbows, looking around the room. And found himself staring directly into his own eyes.
His face stared resolutely down on him from a faded poster hanging on the wall. Shepard felt his neck redden as he looked at it. In the poster, he was striking a heroic pose, gun held suggestively against his thigh, eyes glowing ominously red. Kaiden was beside him, limned in blue and holding his pistol menacingly. “Commander Shepard: Guardian of the Galaxy,” it read in bold letters. Shepard stared at it and then looked away. He knew that his image had been reproduced across the galaxy but this was just silly. He’d been too busy to do anything about unauthorized use of his image and the Alliance had told him flatly that he was considered public domain and people could use his image however they wanted. Looking at this poster made him wish he’d pushed back against this more strenuously. It was a fucking joke.
He rolled out of bed and felt his swollen balls swing free. They felt like they weighed a kilo each. He colored a deeper shade of red as he reached down and cupped them. Well, Ok, maybe they weren’t a kilo each but they sure felt huge in his hands. He had a swinging pair of bull balls now. Staring down at them, he rolled them around and then dropped them, watching them sway heavily back and forth. They looked ridiculous under his cock. They were so heavy that they pulled the skin of his crotch so far down that his meager shaft had entirely disappeared, leaving just his shrunken cockhead peeking out. Before, they’d at least been proportional but now they only served to make the Illusive Man’s curse more obvious. He gritted his teeth and looked away, cursing the Illusive Man again under his breath. That bastard was still fucking with him even in death.
He assumed that the room had belonged to a teenage girl from the style of the furnishings (pink was a prevalent color) and the posters on the wall but when he opened the dresser and peered inside, he realized that he had stumbled into the bedroom of a fellow member of the gay tribe: The top drawer was filled with an assortment of colorful men’s underwear.
Shepard reached down and pulled out a red pair of briefs. They were mesh in back. Sexy, he thought to himself and snorted, but what really got his attention was the huge pouch in front and the fact that they seemed to be amply-sized in back. He held them out and examined them closely. I didn’t seem possible that a guy’s package could ever be that big, especially a teenager’s. This could only mean one thing…
He stepped into them, his distended nuts settling snugly into the pouch and his big ass cheeks slipping comfortably into the mesh in back. What were the odds? He wondered, amazed at his good fortune. He sighed, relishing the relief of wearing underwear that actually fit him. He looked down at himself, almost giddy that his enormously swollen balls fit in the pouch. That was a quite a huge pouch. Yep, his suspicions had been correct, he thought: The kid must have had gene replacement therapy and grown a monster cock.
He shook his head, bemused. Penis enlargement through gene therapy had been a pretty new thing before the Reaper invasion. Shepard had heard it was becoming popular but he’d been too preoccupied to pay much attention. He hadn’t personally been fucked by any guys with enlarged cocks. Not that he didn’t have plenty of experience with huge members… He shifted uncomfortably, scratching the back of his neck. No, he had been fucked by a few monster-sized Krogans but not by any monster-sized humans. He felt his butthole clench at the memory of the Krogans. An added “benefit” of the Illusive Man’s curse was that he could “accommodate” just about anything down there. He coughed and adjusted his nuts, trying to chase away the memories of his visits to the brothels on Omega. God, that had been horrible. And kind of fun…he grimaced feeling himself growing horny. That was going to be one drawback to being alone in the world. He was a man after all. He had certain…needs.
He coughed and dug deeper into the drawer, examining the plethora of jockstraps, briefs, and thongs. He would have plenty of support from now on; every piece sported a huge pouch and appeared to be plenty big enough in back. The kid must have had a lot of money and really weird parents, he thought. What kind of parents would pay to have their kid’s sex organs modified? And what had it looked like? Shepard shifted, feeling his cock swell at the thought.
He remembered that the Alliance rejected applicants who’d had the procedure because they couldn’t fit into standard issue body armor. Either recruits had to pay to have the enlargement reversed or they couldn’t get in. Shepard had to admit that he’d been curious when he heard the stories. He remembered Kaiden showing him vids on the Extranet and joking that he was going to have the procedure done to himself so he could ride Shepard’s ass raw. If a teenager on a ranch in the middle of nowhere had gotten himself modified, a lot of guys must have gotten it done. Too bad it couldn’t fix his curse. Miranda had tried valiantly to undo it when he’d come pleading to her, wrapped in a towel because none of his pants fit over his huge, new bubble butt, clutching his shrunken package and shaking with humiliation. But Wilson had done something to make it permanent and the Illusive Man had pulled the trigger. Neither he nor Miranda had known until Shepard ordered Joker to nuke the Collector base the curse had been lying dormant in his body, encoded indelibly in his DNA and waiting for the signal should he ever cross the Illusive Man. Wilson must have had help from someone pretty fucking brilliant if Miranda couldn’t figure it out. Shepard scowled.
Well, not that anyone could do anything about it now, he thought, jumping up and down a little to test the support. His balls bounced up and down but weren’t painful. And the mesh in back felt naughty. Shepard felt a pang of loneliness again. He missed Kaiden.
Sighing, he gathered up the underwear and threw it on the bed. Chloe whined and he padded out of the room. The kitchen was in the same place as his modular home on Mindoir and Shepard found her standing there, wagging her tail hopefully.
“Let’s see what they got,” Shepard told her, patting her on the back and feeling his stomach growl. The cupboards were nearly empty but there were a few cans of food, including some dog food. He smiled and hoped that they had an old-fashioned can opener.
The kitchen was basic, a few dead houseplants were on the metal window sill. Sunlight streamed through. It felt warm and welcome after the night before. Shepard contemplated opening the fridge but stopped himself. There would only be rotten stuff in there and it would make him feel depressed. He searched through the drawers until he found a can opener.
Chloe devoured her food as he looked for something that he could eat. There was a can of peas and a jar of dried prawns. Hmmmm…not very inspiring. Still, his stomach was growling and he needed to eat something before heading back to his little homestead. He suspected that there were other buildings that he could pillage before heading back. He opened the can of peas.
After a meager breakfast, Chloe disappeared. Shepard guessed she’d gone back to keep an eye on the sheep. He wondered if she had been the working dog on the ranch. She seemed very familiar with herding; even the sheep appeared to remember her.
He stood there in the kitchen, lost in thought for a long time. The place was so much like his home on Mindoir that he expected to see his father shuffle in and start brewing the morning sim coffee. He shook himself, chasing away ghosts. Mindoir. Why was Mindoir haunting him so much?
He realized then that he was wearing only a bright red pair of underwear and, while it might be utilitarian from a support perspective, it wasn’t very warm. The house was still chilly from the night. He padded back into the bedroom that he guessed belonged to the gay kid and systematically searched through the drawers. It was weird going through someone else’s stuff. Not to mention how weird it was to wear someone else’s underwear. He felt a mixture of curiosity, guilt, and sadness. The kid who had owned these things was most likely dead, probably turned into a husk and killed. For all he knew, Shepard and his team had been the ones who had killed him.
He tried to push the thoughts of the previous occupants out of his head but couldn’t. He was curious about the family. Who had they been? Why were they living out here? It was difficult trying to figure out who the kid was based solely on the few articles of clothing left behind and a handful of personal belongings. From the state of the room, the family had packed up and left pretty quickly. The bed had been left unmade, the blankets still rumpled from the last time the kid had slept in it. Only a few articles of clothing were missing from the dresser and some of the drawers were still open. The closet door was ajar.
There were relatively few other personal effects; this was normal for the day and age, Shepard realized. People didn’t own very many things anymore; their lives were lived almost entirely in cyberspace. Or their lives had been lived in cyberspace, Shepard thought grimly. Thanks to me that world is dead, he thought feeling a stronger pang of guilt than he had before. Maybe it was because he was rummaging through the belongings of an actual person in an actual home that he felt remorse. Maybe it was just that he was feeling lonely and sifting through other people’s effects made him feel worse. He missed Kaiden fiercely. This made him feel even guiltier.
What had happened to Kaiden? He had been seriously wounded when Shepard carried him to the Normandy and forced him to get onboard. Kaiden had been crying but Shepard had been stoic. He knew what he had to do and he was determined to do it. He was not going to let love get in the way. He would never let love get in the way again, he remembered thinking, shadows of Mindoir hanging over him. The memory of Pablo and his betrayal had reached up from the past and stung him at the moment he gazed at Kaden’s face so that he felt like he was staring into Pablo’s dark eyes rather than Kaiden’s. This had been enough to turn him cold. He had walked away resolutely, unmoved by the sound of Kaiden’s sobbing. He marched toward Harbinger, clenching his gun. No regrets.
His hands were shaking. Shepard had sunk to his knees without realizing it. God, god, god. What had he done? He was a fucking monster. He had abandoned Kaiden at the end and Kaiden was more than likely dead because of him. He held his face in his hands. God. What have I done? Shepard sank down to the floor.
He didn’t know how long he sat there before he forced himself to get up. He was shivering but only partly from the cold. Woodenly, he pulled a pair of trousers out of the drawer. They were canvas, rugged, durable. Unexpected. Shepard had thought the kid would be too delicate to wear such pants. But this was a ranch after all. No one got out of farm duty. He knew that from Mindoir. His brother, Aaron, had been the nerd, face always buried in a tablet, but his mother had made him work just as hard as everyone else. This kid was probably the same. Shepard stepped into the trousers, feeling more than a little like an intruder.
They were too short. He pulled them up and looked at himself fin the mirror across the room. The pant legs rode up past his ankles. He looked like a fucking idiot. Still, he thought as he zipped them up, they fit in back and were roomy enough in front. The kid must have been even shorter than Shepard was. And he had an ample ass. Just like him.
‘Shepard? What…?’ Miranda’s beautiful face was stricken as she gazed down at him from her doorway.
Gazed down.
He was now shorter than Miranda.
The Illusive Man had stolen his height, too. Shepard guessed he was only about 175 centimeters now. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. He rubbed his ass. His butthole was sore from De Soto’s giant cock. And crusty with dried cum. De Soto’s cum. The bastard hadn’t even bothered with lube.
But that wasn’t the worst part.
No.
The worst part was that Shepard had loved ever fucking second of it.
Yes.
He had begged De Soto to keep fucking him. He was dying to be fucked silly. All he wanted was the corporal’s meaty cock in his ass, banging away at him.
He was a bottom.
A fucking hungry bottom.
Shepard hadn’t bottomed since Tagent. He had sworn he would never bottom for anyone.
Now it was all he could think about.
The fucking Illusive Man had stolen his body, his dick, and his pride. He was a cock whore.
‘Miranda,’ he said, angrily. ‘I need your help.’
Shepard shook his head. The memories were relentless. He had been tall once. He had been close to 190 centimeters. But those days were gone. Miranda hadn’t been able to help him. In the end, he’d used his connections with Liara in her capacity as the Shadow Broker to get new custom-made N7 armor. The armor was artfully designed to conceal his big ass. He’d ordered boots with ten centimeter soles to compensate for his shortness. It took him months to figure out how to walk convincingly in them. He’d practiced while under house arrest, embarrassed that the guys surveilling him were watching. The Illusive Man had really fucked him over, Shepard thought, looking at himself in the mirror and scowling at his reflection. He was a fucking freak. The trousers really made his big butt obvious. He looked like a surgically-enhanced rent boy from Omega. He flushed. Fuck. He hated to admit it but he wished he were a rent boy on Omega. His ass was hungry to be filled. He turned away.
He found more shorts, socks, and shirts that fit him but was disappointed that the shoes in the closet were too small. There was one more bedroom to search, though. Shepard pulled on a rainbow-colored t-shirt that fit quite nicely and went to explore the rest of the house.
The desiccated remains of a dead cat lay ignominiously on the bed in the master bedroom. Shepard stopped cold. What kind of bastards would leave without letting the cat out? Then he realized that the family must have fled in a hurry and the cat had probably been hiding. Still, he thought gazing at the remnants of fur and bone on the bed, it was pretty awful. The poor thing had simply curled up and died waiting for them to come home. Shepard shivered again. This house was really depressing. He hurriedly searched through the room.
After only a couple of seconds, he could tell that the room had belonged to two gay men. The artful painting of the naked young Asari lad on the wall kind of gave it away. (Yes, there were male Asaris. They were rare but so amazingly handsome that even hetero males had been known to be taken by their beauty.) It was the same painting that Kaiden had…Shepard shook his head, chasing away the memories. He didn’t want to think about Kaiden anymore. He couldn’t take it.
Yes, this house had belonged to a gay couple Shepard knew as he gazed down at the clothes neatly arranged in the dresser drawers. There were two dressers each with men’s clothes of distinctly different sizes. One of the men had been tall and heavy and the other had been short and thin. The taller one had more fashionable clothes while the shorter guy’s were more practical. Unfortunately, neither set of clothes fit Shepard’s enlarged package. Apparently, these men had not gotten the same procedure that the kid had. Shepard wondered at this. What were these people like? Were they a family? Were they a threesome? Either way, he wondered about the odds. How many gay families owned ranches far out in the country?
There were a plethora of shoes in the closet and Shepard whooped when he discovered that there were several pairs of work boots that fit. They were a little big but close enough. He stepped into a tall pair of cowboy boots and admired them. They came up far enough that he could stuff his pant legs inside, hiding the fact the pants were too short. He mugged in front of the mirror on the closet door, laughing. He looked ridiculous and bad ass at the same time. He flexed and grinned.
The hair on his head was starting to grow in and he had a short beard but, pulling up his shirt and examining his belly, he noticed his body hair was not. The genetic block he’d had since Mindoir was still in place. Most of the men and women there did not have body hair because of the ubiquitous fungi and mold. Everyone kept the hair on their head short as well. It was a humid world and skin diseases were commonplace. Even the farm animals had been hairless. Pablo had been an exception. Pablo had…
Fuck! He needed to get out of this place. It was too much like Mindoir. Shepard grabbed a pair of boots, a new razor that he found in the bathroom so he could shave off his beard, and some rations from the kitchen before heading back to his homestead. He would come back later when he was in a better mood.
Chapter 7
The ranch was a goldmine for Shepard. Over the next two weeks, he hauled back nearly a ton of materials for his growing homestead. He built a fenced area to keep the sheep at night with a little shelter on one end that they could crowd into when it was raining. He found irrigation piping and a hand pump so that he could run water lines from the stream over to the shack. He dismantled a small greenhouse and rebuilt it on his land and started growing seeds with the supplies he found sealed in a container in the modular ranch house. Most of the seeds failed to germinate but there were plenty that did. He began digging up a plot for his garden, fencing it off from the sheep and rabbits.
He was particularly glad when he found the old gun and ammunition hidden in an outbuilding on the ranch. This would allow him to hunt for game as well as kill sheep if he needed to. His finger itched to try it out but he had more work to do before he could afford to wander off hunting, even though he was hungry all the time and dying for some red meat. Fish was loathsome and chicken was getting wearisome. Soon…
His balls swelled a little more but then seemed to stop growing. He was glad because even the generous underwear were getting a little tight. They started to itch after they stopped growing, though, making him crazy. He’d wake in the middle of the night and feel like he had bugs crawling on his nuts. Sometimes, he’d get up and go for a midnight soak in the pond because the cold water was the only thing that soothed them. He tried to ignore the way they quivered and wriggled. If he’d had any doubts, he knew now that the Keeper brood had taken up residence down there. What a fucking nightmare, he thought bitterly. Bug larvae in my nutsack. Great. Shepard didn’t allow himself to think about what they might do next…or how they would come out. He shivered and readjusted his package, wanting to strangle that fucking Keeper queen for doing this to him.
There were emergency rations locked in a storage bin near the main holding on the ranch. It took him a day before realized he could use the rifle to shoot open the lock. When he saw the contents inside, his empty stomach had done a little flip. There was enough food here to last him until his garden was producing and he had time to hunt game. He wouldn’t starve! And he wouldn’t have to kill any more of his precious chickens. He wouldn’t have particularly tasty food, though, he realized after his initial elation at finding the cache died down: The rations were pretty boring. He remembered fondly the steaks that Kaiden used to cook for him. Maybe he would find cows on his next foray, he thought wistfully.
***
One day while out foraging for supplies at the next ranch over, he saw apes.
Apes?
Shepard stared. It was a small group of six. They were a long way off so he couldn’t see them very well but they were definitely apes. He squatted down in the tall grass, holding Chloe close to him. The wind was blowing away from them so she wasn’t aware of them yet. The group was heading inland toward the mountains and he could tell that their trajectory would bring them near to him. He was curious and also a bit baffled. He remembered reading that all of the larger primates on earth had gone extinct in the wild a hundred years ago. Maybe these had escaped from a zoo? He settled down and watched them.
It appeared to be a family group of two adults and four young ones. Shepard felt the skin go up on the back of his neck as they approached. They looked almost human but yet were clearly not.
The adult male towered over the female and sported incredibly broad shoulders. He was a hulking brute with huge muscles and enormous, powerful arms. His face was blocky with a sloping forehead and heavy brow, just like the pictures Shepard remembered seeing in his biology classes years ago. His body was covered in dirty brown hair. He was walking upright but it didn’t look as effortless as it was for humans. It was kind of lumbering and awkward.
The female was smaller but equally hairy. She was still very muscular, though, and Shepard realized that she was probably several centimeters taller than he was. There was an adolescent male and “children” who appeared to have not reached puberty. They seemed unhurried and at ease and he could sense the familial bond that held them together. It was eerily like a human family and Shepard shivered. Had people felt this way when they went on safari to view the great apes before they went extinct? It both amazed and unsettled him.
Holding his hand over the dog’s muzzle to keep her quiet, he settled down further in the grass. The apes were oblivious to his presence and seemed intent on getting wherever they were going quickly. He held his breath, realizing his heart was beating. How would they react if they saw him? Would they be peaceful or aggressive? He didn’t have a weapon and the thought of raising it against an ape was abhorrent. Still, he reasoned that he would stand little chance against an angry ape. His only advantage would be speed.
He sat there watching until they had nearly disappeared from view. The unsettled feeling stayed with him the rest of the day.
***
Over the next few weeks, he encountered more apes. Once he stumbled on a larger group of them as they were waking up in a clearing in the forest. They had been asleep on piles of grass. A little one shrilled when she saw him and he called out in alarm, not realizing at first what she was. The adults sprang up around him, instantly on guard but then relaxed upon seeing him. Chloe wagged her tail and he patted her absently, not knowing what to do. There were over a dozen of them, mostly females and young ones. One of the largest females approached him and stared at him. She was an unlovely creature with a strong odor but there was something expressive in her eyes as she gazed down at him. He didn’t know what to do and just stood there gaping. Finally, she reached out and touched his face with a rough finger. Shepard felt sweat trickle down his back but he intuitively stayed still and silent.
She made a grunting noise and then dropped her hand to his shoulder. The others closed in around him then and his nose was assailed by their strong odor. All of them wanted to touch him and soon their hands were all over his body. Rather than feeling menacing, though, it seemed innocent. Their touch was soft, tentative, as if they couldn’t believe what they were seeing. He realized that they were probably feeling the same way that he was – bewildered by an unexpected oddity in their midst.
He let them touch him, standing absolutely still and only relaxing when they stepped away. He took a deep breath, glad to be a little further away from their stench and feeling like he needed to bathe. Why were there suddenly so many apes around? He gotten used to being alone in the wilderness and didn’t exactly welcome their sudden appearance. Would all of the apes be as friendly as these?
The apes didn’t seem to know what to do with him. Swallowing, he tried to move out of the loose circle but they followed him. One of the young ones made a sound like a giggle and wrapped her arms around his leg. He lifted his leg and she squealed with delight. The adults seemed to find humor in this as well and so he jiggled her up and down. More squeals of delight. Soon the other children had mobbed him and he went tumbling over in the grass, laughing as they tickled him, pulling at his hair and ears. It was so much like playing with human children that it unnerved him. Still, eventually he lost himself in play and soon forgot about their strong odor and the bizarre fact that he was playing with ape children.
After a half hour or so, they collapsed in a sweaty pile on the forest floor, the children draping their arms over him and hugging him. It didn’t take a scientist to figure out that they trusted him. When he was finally able to extricate himself from the mass and stand up, the adults were all staring at him with what could only be described as fondness. He noticed that there were two adult males, four adolescent females and males, eight adult females and six children. He tried to study them without being too obvious and was amazed again by how huge and muscular they were. The adolescent males were already massive compared to humans. The females didn’t seem to be much smaller than the males. They had wide hips, broad bellies, and ample bosoms. Shepard felt his face color when he noted the size of the equipment on the males. Their huge members swung loosely, slapping their thighs. Probably because they lacked support, their balls hung down in their hairy sacs nearly rivaling his own swollen nuts in size. He looked away.
Ok, I’m just going to pretend that I’m not surrounded by a bunch of naked apes, he thought, scratching the back of his neck self-consciously.
Not knowing what to do, he decided to make an exit and raised his hand in farewell, turning to go back into the forest. They stared at him without moving. He took a step and then another.
One of the females called out, a harsh, guttural sound, and he turned back. She ran over to him and placed something in his hand. It was smooth and cold. He looked down at it and stared. It was the N7 medallion from one of his boots.
He held it up in wonder. They must have found his boots somewhere. He smiled at the ape and held the medallion to his chest, smiling. She gave him what might have passed for an ape smile and turned back to the group.
Shepard called to Chloe and headed back to his homestead, bewildered and amazed.
He didn’t see apes again for a long time and guessed that the groups had been passing through on the way to another destination. Maybe he would see them again next year on their return? He soon became so preoccupied with the farm that he forgot all about them.
***
The shack was a proper homestead now, he thought with pride one evening as he was soaking his itching nuts in the pool. Chloe was splashing and barking at salmon nearby. Far off, he heard a sheep bleating. A rooster crowed. His hands were rough and calloused. His feet were blistered. His back ached. His skin was tanned dark brown. He was happy.
Happy.
He couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt happy. A few moments with Kaiden had been happy ones but there had been so many fucked up things going on that he couldn’t enjoy it. And there was always the Red Sand addiction. That kept a damper on happiness for sure. War. Death. Addiction. Reapers. Yeah, happiness killers for sure. He shivered and then settled deeper into the pool.
His thoughts drifted back to Mindoir. Again. He had been happy on Mindoir but the memories were blackened by the horror that ended his life there. Fuck, it ended more than that. It ended his fucking innocence. Tagent had finished what Pablo had started. Shepard felt his face grow hot. He brushed away tears. Fuck. Why did it still haunt him so much? Why was he being such a fucking baby about it?
But he couldn’t forget. And he couldn’t let it go. Damn. He had been just a baby. Barely sixteen years old and beginning to explore his burgeoning sexuality. He had been so young. Shepard lowered his face into his hands and stopped fighting the tears. Fuck. This was monstrous.
No, it was monstrous what had been done to him, a voice said in the back of his head.
A woman’s voice.
He looked up and saw the Keeper staring at him, her feelers delicately probing the air between them.
And then finally remembered whose voice it was.
His mother.
A month ago he would have jumped up and angrily lashed out at her for invading his thoughts, for using that voice. That voice. His mother’s voice.
Now he just wept.
And the dark memories flooded in. Once again, he was there. With Tagent. With the gun, hands shaking, crying.
“Pull the trigger, human slut.”
It was Tagent’s voice.
“You fucking cock whore. Pull the trigger.”
John cried out. Tagent backhanded him, he sprawled across the floor and the gun went flying. His vision went dark. He tasted blood; he wasn’t sure whose. Tagent kicked him savagely in the groin. John screamed and curled up in a ball.
Tagent put the gun back in his hand. “One last time, slut. Pull the fucking trigger or I will start cutting her again.”
John took a ragged breath, tears and blood in his mouth. His eyes were so bruised he could barely see. He looked at the gun in his hand and then at his mother. She gave him an encouraging nod.
John howled.
He must have cried for a long time because it was dark when he looked up. Chloe was curled up next to the Keeper who was lounging in an almost human fashion, legs dangling in the pool next to him. She was leaning back, propping herself up on her forelegs. It looked so silly he had to laugh.
>>I’m glad you’re feeling better, son.<<
Shepard wiped his mouth. “Son? It’s weird enough that you use my mother’s voice.”
The Keeper gave him an impenetrable stare. >>But you are my son.<<
Shepard felt his spine go cold. His heart began to beat in his chest. “No fucking way that’s possible!” he breathed.
>>It is true. You know it is.<<
He was seriously freaked out now and stood up, self-consciously covering himself as if he really were naked in front of his own mother. “What the fuck are you talking about?” he barked.
The Keeper eased herself onto her back. She seemed completely at ease despite his alarm.
>>You were just thinking about Mindoir. I know you remember what happened.<<
Shepard couldn’t stop the shaking. What was she talking about? How…?
“My mother died. She was tortured, torqued, and then killed by the Batarians,” he said, breathlessly, fighting back the memory of Tagent holding his finger to the trigger of the gun. He couldn’t say it. He would not say it even though he knew the Keeper could read his memories.
>>Yes, Tagent forced you to kill me.<<
Shepard fell to his knees. He didn’t think he had more tears left but there they were. There were always more.
He sobbed. He fucking sobbed. He didn’t care anymore how manly he was supposed to be. He didn’t care who saw him. He sobbed.
>>I’m glad you’re finally allowing yourself to be human, John.<<
“Fuck you.”
The Keeper didn’t respond.
“You are not my mother. My mother is dead. I killed her, Ok? I fucking killed her with my own hands.”
There was a long silence.
>>It’s true that I would have died had I not already been infected.<<
The words hung suspended in his mind.
“Infected?” he managed to gasp, shaking. A moment ago life had seemed so blissful.
>>With Keeper spawn.<<
Shepard’s shaking was uncontrollable. He felt like he was going to be sick.
“Keeper…spawn,” he said slowly and then a chilling thought hit him. “Like the spawn I’m carrying?” He asked.
The Keeper nodded.
>>Keepers are not the insect bodies that we inhabit. We can occupy any living host; it’s just that we’ve evolved to work best with these particular beings.<<
Shepard was having trouble concentrating and realized he was in shock. This was impossible. This was fucking impossible.
>>No, it’s not impossible.<< She said, reading his thoughts again. >>I was infected by the Keepers soon after being taken captive by the Batarians. It was an act of mercy. They infected many of us captives. They saved our lives.<<
He toppled over, his knees couldn’t hold him up any longer. This was…just…too…much… “But, how…?”
>>You’ll understand soon, John. You’re about to give birth.<<
Shepard felt numb. All he could do was sit there, frozen. Nothing made sense. This couldn’t be happening. He curled up in a ball, fighting back the dark memories and horrors swirling around inside of his head.
***
He couldn’t sleep that night. It was now midsummer and the nights were sometimes hot. The breeze off the ocean helped but the windows didn’t open far and the air felt stultifying. He got up and paced around the shack, feeling incredibly horny and out of sorts. His erection had started around the time that he crawled back from the pool and had steadily grown more insistent. Somehow, though, the thought of touching his cock made him feel ill. It was those blood-soaked memories of Tagent, the rape, torture, and murder all bled together in his mind and the last thing Shepard wanted right now was to feel lust. It felt wrong. He felt wrong. He forced his mind away from his insistent hardon and tried to distract himself with other thoughts.
The Keeper had said he would give birth to the brood soon.
Fuck, that wasn’t much better. Why was he stuck either with memories of Mindoir or thoughts of birthing alien spawn. He cradled his balls protectively, ignoring the pulsing and churning down there that had become more insistent.
He didn’t feel ready. He wasn’t ready. He could never be ready.
He hung his head, cradling his nuts in one hand and massaging his brow. His cock felt like it was on fire but he kept his hands away from it. He wouldn’t touch it. He wouldn’t.
Chloe stared up at him worriedly. He reached down and scratched her behind the ear. His head was aching, mostly from the after effects of crying, and he felt exhausted.
Yet he felt too anxious to sleep. He paced around some more and thought about going down by the ocean where it was windy enough to keep away the mosquitos. Finally, realizing that sleep was not going to come anytime soon, he kicked the door open and walked down to the shore.
He was halfway there when he realized he needed to piss. Without thinking, he stepped aside on the path and pulled down his underwear.
Fuck.
Something wasn’t right. He could tell without looking that something wasn’t right.
There was more going on there than simple arousal.
But he didn’t want to touch it. He didn’t want to know what was happening to him. He couldn’t handle one more thing. He couldn’t.
He let loose the stream, not caring that he splattered himself and his underwear with piss. He was not going to touch it.
After a long time, his bladder emptied. Sweat trickled down his back. Shepard reached back and scratched his ass.
Fuck.
He carefully lifted his underwear back over his member and forced himself to keep going. He hated life.
The birthing process must have started while he slept. He awoke feeling something wriggling around his crotch. Eyes snapping open, he cried out. His crotch was bloody.
Shepard jumped up and, dancing around on the rocks (he’d somehow managed to fall asleep on the boulders by the beach), pulled off his underwear.
“Christ!” he swore. There was blood everywhere. His cock was covered in it.
Fuck, was that his cock?
“Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!”
What was going on?
The aliens were transforming his body again.
He sobbed as he looked down at himself. Was that thing even a penis? It looked like…it looked like…it fucking looked like…
It was just too much.
His life was fucking over.
He gave up.
***
Someone placed a cool cloth on his forehead. Shepard groaned. His body felt hot, feverish, yet he was shivering. He cried out as he felt his pubic muscles contract.
“FUUUCCCK!!!”
>>It’s Ok. They’re emerging. They’re healthy.<<
It was the woman’s voice again. Shepard felt another sharp contraction, this one worse than the last, and screamed in agony. He heard a squirting noise and felt something slip out of his penis. Were they coming out of his urethra?
“This is really fucked up,” he managed to mutter. He lay back weakly, refusing to look down at himself. He didn’t want to see what was happening. He couldn’t handle it.
>>Lie back and try to rest. I just gave you a sedative that won’t hurt the young. It will ease the pain.<<
Shepard struggled up on his elbows but the Keeper pushed him back.
>>Rest. The young will do the work.<<
He moaned loudly as his lower body spasmed again but this time it felt more distant, duller. Shepard let his head fall back against the pillow. Blackness descended.
***
When he awoke, there was a cool cloth over his eyes. His whole body felt ragged, stretched. Everything ached.
He was about to remove the cloth when the Keeper stopped him.
>>Be prepared. The young are not beautiful to humans and their suckling may upset you.<<
Shepard cursed under his breath. So it was real after all. Just another fucked up chapter in his fucked up life. Commander Shepard, brood mare.
He felt something on his chest. It felt like a moist, slippery mass. It was writhing.
>>The young.<< The Keeper confirmed. >>They will not harm you. They take only what is needed.<<
He moaned, not wanting to see and yet feeling a horrified curiosity at the same time. He pulled back the cloth and looked down at himself.
There were what appeared to a large group of bright green eels stuck to his chest and belly. They were undulating slowly. He felt their tiny mouths sucking on his skin. It wasn’t painful but it made him feel suddenly sick. He turned to the side and vomited on the floor.
>>Not an uncommon reaction.<< The Keeper observed drily as she busied herself with mopping it up.
He put his hand over his eyes. His head was pounding and he could tell another migraine was on the way.
“Christ,” he muttered.
He didn’t resist when the Keeper held the sonic syringe up to his neck and released the drug. He slept.
***
Chapter 8
When he awoke the next time, he smelled food and his mouth started watering. Wait, he thought, was that bacon? He was so hungry. And thirsty.
There was a glass of water and a pitcher on the stand next to the bed. He reached over and drank greedily. The Keeper was at the stove. She was cooking for him.
>>Your father was always the better cook but I still remember how to make your favorite meal.<<
Shepard ignored her words and propped himself up on his elbows. He glanced down at himself. The Keeper had cleaned him up and changed his underwear. He could tell by the unnatural shape of the bulge that something was still not right down there but he didn’t have the energy to worry about that now. He moved his gaze to his belly where the Keeper brood appeared to be sleeping, curled up in a tight mass. His chest and belly were covered with little red welts from where they had been suckling.
They still looked horrifyingly like eels, all tail and little sucking mouths. They were verdant green except for one that was blood red. He stared at it. It appeared to be awake. Was it watching him? Its two tiny ruby eyes were fixed on his. He looked away, spooked.
“What’s up with the red one? Is it sick?” he asked.
>>Not sick at all. You have given birth to our new queen.<<
It took him a moment to process this.
“Queen? But you already have a queen, right?”
>>Yes. This one will found a new colony…or take over this one.<<
“That sounds ominous.”
The Keeper kept her back to him as she cracked an egg into the pan in front of her. There was a sizzling sound as she deftly scrambled it. How an insect could cook like this was beyond him.
>>Come to the table. It’s almost ready.<<
“Is that bacon?” he asked, struggling to sit without dislodging the brood. They adjusted effortlessly to the change in position, though. They didn’t even wake up.
>>Yes.<<
“Where the hell did you find bacon?”
>>It’s a secret.<<
“Of course, it is.”
He pushed himself to a standing position, the brood clinging to his midsection. It was so fucking weird.
Taking careful steps, he walked over to the table and sat down.
>>Don’t worry. It is really not possible to hurt them. Keepers are nearly indestructible.<<
Shepard held his head in his hands, feeling his pulse pounding in his temples. He felt like he had a bad hangover.
“But your queen said that I killed her mate. It can’t be that difficult to hurt them.”
>>The queen’s heartmate never died. She is living inside of you.<<
He let his fist slam down on the table. The brood awoke at the sudden movement and instantly grabbed onto his chest with their little sucking mouths. It tickled. Despite himself, he laughed. But he was really furious.
After a struggle, he managed to get control of himself again but the brood started to feed and this caused another laughing fit.
“I’m really not happy,” he said between gritted teeth.
>>I know.<<
She placed a plate full of scrambled eggs and sizzling bacon in front of him. Warring with himself, his hunger finally won out and he devoured it. The brood’s suckling increased in vigor, almost as it they were responding to his eating.
>>The queen’s heartmate saved your life. She took over for the Keeper who had lived inside of you since Mindoir. He was the one who died. Even we can only take so much killing. Plus, we’re not as adapted to living inside humans.<<
Shepard dropped his fork to stare at her.
“Wait. What…?”
>>Did you think that you were immortal? How do you think you survived so long? Do you really think that human science could resurrect your corpse after being dead for so long? Even the Illusive Man is not that clever.<<
“I was…infected on Mindoir, too?”
>>Certainly.<<
“And the Keeper was the reason I survived being spaced by the Collectors?”
>>Of course. I told you we are nearly indestructible. You ceased to be John Shepard more than twenty years ago. You have been a Keeper longer than you were a human.<<
Shepard realized his mouth was full of eggs and he swallowed. His brain had been aching before he even sat down but now it was pounding. He couldn’t think. He couldn’t take this in. He ate in silence and then, pushing his plate away, got up and went back to bed. Seeming to anticipate his movements, the brood shifted and crawled onto his back as he lay down on his stomach.
The Keeper was gone when he woke up.
***
It was early evening when he awoke again, feeling thirsty and sore. His stomach growled. The brood shifted onto his shoulders as he got up. The Keeper had left another batch of bacon and eggs warming on the stove. She must have left not long ago. He stared down at it. Bacon and eggs were indeed his favorite childhood meal. His father would prepare them for his brother, Aaron, and him on Sunday mornings as a special treat, adding some of the more delicious fungi that thrived in the woods around the house. Aaron would pick out the mushrooms but John ate the whole mess with relish. It would make his father laugh.
“Ghosts from a lifetime ago,” he murmured to himself.
If the Keeper was right, then these were memories from a different person. A human host.
Shepard shook his head, trying to clear it. He couldn’t believe that John Shepard had been a different person and that three “people” had now lived in this body. Why did it all seem so continuous? Why did it all feel like it had happened to him? To John Shepard?
He stood at the table and ate. He was tired of lying down and felt like getting some exercise. He finished the meal, savoring the decadent bacon and then placing the empty plate in the sink. The Keeper had even done the dishes.
The brood arranged themselves in a sort of cape down his back as he pulled on his shorts and stepped into his boots. He guessed that they were able to tap into his mind sort of like the adults. It was a bit creepy but also saved him some stress. Despite the havoc they had wreaked on his body, he felt kind of attached to the little eels. They were his brood. He had carried them inside of himself for nearly two months after all.
Chloe was lying on the doorstep when he emerged from the shack and he frowned down at her. She had rolled in sheep manure again.
“Come on,” he ordered as he grabbed her by the scruff and hauled her up to the pool for a bath. She hunched up and gave him an imploring look.
“I know, I know. To you, it’s like rolling in a bed of flowers,” he said disgustedly, dragging her behind him.
He was left with a conundrum when he got to the pool. Get naked or not? He looked down at his misshapen crotch, his confidence quailing. Was he ready to take off his shorts and underwear? Was he ready to see what the birthing process had done to him. Shepard cringed. He couldn’t do it. He wasn’t ready.
In the end, he opted to keep his underwear on as he fought with the dog to get her clean.
“You love swimming unless it’s time for a bath! You know what’s wrong with you?” he asked looking down at her and feeling the brood inching up his scalp. Apparently, they didn’t like getting wet.
Chloe wouldn’t meet his gaze.
“You’re so irrational!”
***
The summer grew hot as Shepard’s homestead and brood flourished. He seemed to have a magic touch because everything he touched prospered. The sheep grew luxurious coats, the garden produced more vegetables than he could eat, and the flock of chickens grew to the point of overpopulation. He was forced to learn how to shear wool, can vegetables, and build a smoker so he could preserve meat. He would have been lost had it not been for his successful foraging missions. He found canning jars, a pressure cooker, a dehydrator, and old fashioned shears. These were the implements of survival on a homestead, not guns. The hunting rifle lay unused on the top of the kitchen cabinet and he took it down only to oil and clean it.
It was backbreaking work but he could do it. By late summer, he judged he had enough food to make it through the winter. He gazed fondly down on his farm from the top of the waterfall one evening, savoring the journey.
The brood—all one hundred twelve of them—had started to speak in his mind after about a month and he’d had to teach them to queue up with their questions so the cacophony of voices didn’t drive him mad. They were curious about everything, especially things that he tried to keep hidden in his mind. He’d given up attempting to shield his thoughts from them because that only piqued their interest. Sometimes, their probing was too painful and he had to tell them to leave him alone. It hurt him to do this but there was only so much curiosity he could take. When they started to ask questions about sex and physical intimacy, he drew the line.
“You’re not old enough yet and you don’t want to use me as an example,” he said firmly. “Wait until you find your own host.”
He hushed the chorus of disappointment that echoed inside his mind.
“I said leave it be.” They reluctantly did.
They didn’t grow much after being born. Indeed, their development appeared to be mostly internal because they looked much the same as the day they had…emerged from inside of him. Only the queen, Nairi—she had announced her name to Shepard after a couple of weeks—grew bigger. And brighter. In fact, she shone like a glistening jewel in the sun, almost too radiant to look upon. She was perhaps twenty-five centimeters long while the rest were only about fifteen centimeters. Compared to them, Nairi was very quiet. The others were full of questions but she was content to simply watch and learn on her own. She spent most of her time curled around his throat like a slippery torque. At first, this unsettled him but he grew accustomed to it after a while. In fact, he felt closer to Nairi than he did to the others. He shared a special connection with her and felt like she was more than the offspring of his brood. It was silly to say this but she felt human to him.
Maybe he felt closer because most of the time she chose to speak in Liara’s voice? He’d always appreciated Liara’s calm and even tone because it was at once intelligent and caring. She had been someone who had understood him, perhaps even more than Kaiden because Kaiden had been unable to completely set aside his private adoration of Shepard. He’d hidden his adoration well, perhaps too well, but it had slipped out near the end. Shepard shook his head. He didn’t want to think about Kaiden right then.
“Are you ready?” he asked, poised on the rock above the pool.
There was a loud, unequivocal roar of approval in his mind.
“Ok, remember to let go before we hit the surface.”
He brought his hands and feet together, making his body as arrow-like as possible, and then squatted down to push off the cliff, arcing perfectly toward the deep water below. The brood flattened against his back and then flung themselves exuberantly into the air just before his body sliced into the pool.
He allowed himself to sink deeply before turning and kicking back to the surface. The brood was swimming in circles around him. Nairi, however, had stayed fastened to his neck. She always did.
The brood always attracted the attention of the fish swimming in the pool. It had panicked him at first but they had assured him that they would be safe.
In one of her rare moments, the queen had reasoned, >>The fish can eat us and we will be fine. Watch.<<
He had stared in horror as she slipped off his neck and into the water beneath him. A big fish immediately swam over and gobbled her up. Shepard cried out as the ruby serpentine form disappeared inside the fish’s mouth. A moment later, though, a red mist seemed to form around the fish. Then, amazingly, it coalesced back into Nairi. She swam over to him and slithered up his outstretched arm.
>>See. Nothing to worry about.<<
She curled protectively around his neck and he reached up to caress her with a forefinger.
“Don’t do that again, Ok?” he demanded.
He felt her shrug on his neck.
Children!
***
The brood swam around him as he paddled over to the rocks where Chloe wagged her tail worriedly. He hauled himself up onto the rocky shelf, the young crawling up his back to cling around his neck and shoulders. Someday soon it would be too cool and he’d need to wear a shirt again. He worried about keeping them warm in the winter.
>>It’s time, Shepard.<<
He looked up, startled. This wasn’t the voice of one of his brood.
The Keeper was standing on the ledge on the edge of the forest. It was the queen.
“You again,” he muttered and then noticed the change that had come over the brood. They were completely silent, bodies almost rigid. He could feel the tension.
>>It’s time for my brood to leave you. Come with me.<<
The words were like a knife in his heart. He jumped up and ran over to her, not caring that he was naked and looked ridiculous. “What? No!” he exclaimed. “You can’t take them away!”
The Keeper queen stared at him. It was an impenetrable look. >>So now you’ve decided that you like being a host? The last time I saw you, I had to drug you to comply.<<
He scrambled up the rocks, scraping his hands and knees in the process. “No, please don’t!” he begged. “I’m not ready! They’re not ready!”
>>Yes, we are.<< It was the brood, speaking with one voice.
Shepard felt his shoulders sag. He couldn’t describe the feelings swirling around inside of him but betrayal was foremost among them. He felt bitterness rise in his throat but before he could say anything, he heard a voice.
>>I will stay.<<
Shepard felt his heart lift a little. It was Nairi.
The Keeper made a surprised gesture. >>No! You, too, must go!<<
>>I will stay with Mother.<<
Mother? She thinks of me as her mother? Never in his life had Shepard thought that someone would call him that. It made him feel absurdly happy despite his shock at having his brood stolen away.
He expected the Keeper queen to protest again but instead she turned away. >>Very well. You can have your time for now but soon you will need to found your own colony.<<
The Keeper queen started up the rocky slope. >>Follow me, Shepard. The brood needs you to carry them for a few moments longer.<<
She disappeared as he wiped the tears away from his face. The brood made soothing sounds inside his mind but it only made things worse. He sniffed.
>>It’s alright. It will be alright.<< It was the little queen. Liara’s voice. God, how he missed her!
The Keeper queen didn’t wait for him to get dressed. He was forced to follow her through the forest naked and without boots. Fortunately, the forest floor was soft and going was relatively easy. She moved quickly, though, and he fell behind even though he was practically jogging.
The forest darkened around them and he lost sight of her, stopping to cast around, listening for movement.
>>Keep moving.<< She commented acidly. >>I’m right up here.<<
There was a little flare and a bauble of blue light rose up ahead of him. It glowed bright enough for him to see the way before him.
“Eezo?” he asked, trying to catch his breath.
>>You’re very observant.<<
“But, how?”
>>We have been busy undoing the destruction you caused, Shepard.<<
He stopped short, chilled. That meant…
>>Yes.<<
Fuck.
Fuck. He had been so stupid! Of course, it made sense in retrospect. Why had he assumed that he had the power to destroy all technology? It was at best a vain hope and at worst…
>>A massive delusion.<<
His head was spinning. The implications…
>>It’s true that you did great harm, Shepard. We have a long way to go yet but we are making strides.<<
He felt his shoulders slouch. He didn’t want to follow any longer.
>>Come on, Shepard. Don’t make the brood control you. It will be easier for all of us if you follow on your own.<<
He didn’t want to think what this meant. He felt the brood tense on his shoulders and he somehow willed himself forward. They were at the bottom of a rocky slope. The Keeper queen was standing at the top, the ball of blue light bobbing near her head. He picked his way carefully up the slope but even so was cut and bleeding by the time he reached the top.
Sweating and uncomfortable, his feet ached. He felt anxious and angry. He was in such a state that he gazed uncomprehendingly down at the vista below them for several moments before he understood what he was seeing.
“Shit. That’s not possible,” he exhaled, staring dumbly down at the plain below.
It was the Citadel made whole again.
Shepard gaped. The immensity of it was staggering. He could only look at it in wonder and in dread. The Keepers had rebuilt the Citadel. They had fucking rebuilt it.
>>We have nearly enough Element Zero to launch it.<<
He could only stare. A waxing moon shone down on the vast plain below them, glistening on the grounded station. Its arms were open so that it glowed like a gigantic lotus blossom, shimmering and undulating with lights. The elegant central spire towered above the “petals”, seemingly halfway to the moon. It was so beautiful that he felt transported despite all of the terrible memories he had of the place.
His brood was silent. They were standing up on his shoulders, gazing with shared wonder at the thing. He realized that, although they had access to his memories of the place, nothing could compare to the actual experience of seeing it for the first time. They made a collective humming noise that he took to be one of reverence.
>>This is what our people built, children. It was destroyed but now is whole again.<<
The Keepers took his brood away and left him standing there, naked and desolate and sad. There were over a hundred of the giant insects waiting for them, their carapaces scattering the reflected lights of the Citadel as they stood there before him. He felt empty and drained as one by one his children left him. They slithered down his arms and hopped onto the heads of the giant insects. Rather than riding along, though, he watched dully as they slipped into the ear holes, one brood member to a Keeper.
Brain worms, he thought. I fucking raised a bunch of brain worms.
>>Oh, Shepard!<< Nairi murmured in the same way that Liara would have, >>We’re not brain worms! Is that the way you feel about your Keeper?<<
He stiffened. He hadn’t thought about that since the Keeper that called herself his mother had left.
>>We become part of the host in every way. We become one.<<
It was true that if he was playing host to a Keeper, he didn’t notice the difference. Certainly, he felt like he had as much self-control as ever. His Keeper hadn’t taken over his thoughts or his actions. Or had it…?
Chilled despite the heat, he decided he didn’t want to think about that. Had it been his motivation to unlock all of the horrible memories from his past? Had it been his motivation to…?
He stopped himself. The implications were unpleasant. He turned to watch his brood depart, now happily ensconced in their new hosts. They sang their goodbyes to him as they disappeared over the ridge. He didn’t realize he was crying until he felt the tears splash down his chest.
>>There’s always the next brood.<< The Keeper queen remarked drily in his ear. He jumped. He hadn’t realized that he was still there.
He swallowed and brushed away the tears. Next brood? Another thing he didn’t want to think about right then. Instead, he asked, “When will you launch?”
The queen leaned against a small tree and scratched her head thoughtfully. >>A week or two at most. Do you want to join us?<<
The queen was mocking him. He could hear his bitter laughter in his mind. Fucking De Soto’s bitter laughter. He refused to answer him. Turning, he headed back down the rocky slope.
>>This isn’t goodbye, Shepard. Remember, I’m bonded to you forever. We have to stay near each other.<<
He bit his lip. What the fuck? he thought but he kept picking his way across the boulders as if he hadn’t heard. He didn’t care if he had to crawl through the forest on his hands and knees in the dark. He wasn’t going to stay there.
***
Chapter 9
The Citadel launched exactly eight days later. Shepard was sitting by a fire on the beach, Nairi curled up next to his ear and Chloe next to his leg. It was the first cool night in months which he guessed meant that autumn was on its way. The waves were lapping contentedly on the shore. There was barely a breeze to ruffle the surface of the water. He couldn’t remember seeing the ocean this calm before.
The moon was setting in the west. It was almost full. He savored the way it made the water sparkle with blue-white light. No wonder people on Earth used to worship the moon, he thought dreamily before he became aware of a strange thing.
He was casting a shadow on the rocks in front of him.
Huh? He wondered. It was a full moon to the west. He was facing west. The shadow should be behind him…
>>It’s rising.<<
Understanding suddenly dawned on him as he turned around. The Citadel, its petals closed, was rising like a shining spear in the night behind him. It was pearlescent with shimmering lights, a blue nimbus of Eezo surrounding it. They stared at it, awed. It barely seemed to be moving at first but gradually picked up speed, rising faster and faster. It was completely silent until it broke the sound barrier and then the boom echoed across the land. Shepard felt it hit him like a punch in the chest.
Then it was gone, barely a twinkling in the sky overhead.
The silence after its passing stretched on forever, neither Shepard nor Nairi saying a thing.
Finally, he reached and gave Nairi a little scratch. She moved against his finger, nibbling it with her tiny sharp teeth.
He had a bad feeling that this wasn’t the last time he was destined to see it. He knew it in his bones. Sighing, he turned back to the fire and soothed Chloe who was shivering against his thigh.
Part 2: AFTERMATH
Chapter 1
The winter was challenging but Shepard was prepared. It was the first time he’d seen snow since Noveria and he had forgotten how much he disliked it. Growing up on Mindoir, he was accustomed to stifling heat and humidity, not bitter cold. At least being close to the ocean helped mitigate the worst of the cold; he was thankful for that. It was frigid enough as it was.
The long winter nights would have been oppressive if he hadn’t figured out how to spin the bales of wool he’d shorn off the sheep. There had been a book in one of the farmsteads and he’d figured out how to skirt, wash, pick, and card the wool before spinning it. It wasn’t difficult but it took him a while to scavenge the materials to make the tools. He was glad that he had so much time on his hands; the work was incredibly tedious but it kept his mind off the Citadel and what its rebuilding meant.
The snow never covered the ground for long and the sheep were able to forage through the winter. Lambing season brought back more memories of Mindoir but he was glad for it; thanks to those memories, he knew what to do and made it through without losing a single lamb. It was afterward that he became concerned: The sheep had to roam further afield to find adequate sustenance and he worried about overgrazing. Finally, one day he managed to gather up the will to do what he knew had to be done. Locking Chloe in the shack and pulling out the rifle, he marched grimly up the hill to the sheep paddock. The kill was a quick but messy process and he had to tell Nairi to shut up more than once; she had grown quite fond of the sheep and complained bitterly when he shot them.
“Life gets a lot worse than this!” he exclaimed as he took out his knife and gutted a ram. The sheep were huddled against the fence on the far side, mewling piteously. The guts spilled out and the queen dove into the fleece of his jacket. He could feel her quivering against the nape of his neck.
>>It is so brutal.<<
“Life is brutal,” he corrected her.
>>Your life is brutal, Shepard.<<
Her words stung him. He wasn’t brutal. He wasn’t an animal. He wasn’t.
Was he?
***
The spring arrived right around the time that he had worked his way through the wool and was growing bored out of his mind with knitting by the fire. He had never been much of a reader and paper books were rare; he only found a few in his search of the surrounding homesteads. Just in time, though, the wind calmed and the sun grew warmer. He started his seeds in the green house and prepared the garden for the first round of cold weather crops.
He was transplanting seedlings one day when he felt the sonic boom. The hair on the back of his neck stood up. He knew instantly what it meant; his peaceful life on the farm had come to a close. Cursing under his breath, he turned to see a Geth fighter careening down from the sky. Before his anxiety could spike (Fuck! Geth here? How will I defend myself if they’re hostile?) he saw that it was descending too fast to land. He stiffened as the sight of the craching fighter triggered a series of flashbacks.
The ground shook beneath his feet as one by the one the fleet was shot out of the sky above him.
“Fucking Reapers!” he shouted furiously. The best pilots in the Alliance were getting creamed before his eyes…
The ship slammed into the ocean perhaps a kilometer offshore. There was a burst of blue light as the Eezo core disintegrated and the ship burst apart.
“Well, at least that’s one that won’t find me,” he muttered, feeling an intense surge of emotions…and bitter relief. There was no way that even a machine like the Geth could survive a crash like that.
The fact of the fighter remained, though. Where there was one fighter, there would be more. And he blamed the fucking Keepers for it. Why hadn’t they just left things alone?
>>The pilot is still alive, Shepard.<<
Nairi crawled up to this shoulder and raised herself on her tail, scanning the horizon.
“No fucking way,” he stated flatly and then added, “And Geth aren’t really alive.”
>>It’s a human, not a Geth and he’s alive. I can feel it.<<
Disbelieving, he glanced over at her and then stared at the smoking wreckage bobbing on the surface of the water. What was a human doing in a Geth fighter?
“How in the hell could anyone survive that crash?”
>>Biotics.<<
“Then they’re the best fucking biotics I’ve ever seen.”
>>He will not live long, Shepard. We must get out there now.<<
He cursed but knew she was probably right. He threw down the trowel and trotted down to the water, kicking off his boots and pulling off his shirt. Chloe ran ahead of him, barking.
The waves were rolling in; it felt like a storm was blowing up. Shepard stood there, hesitating. The water was so cold. The craft was sinking. There was no way he could get out there in time. And he might succumb to hypothermia trying.
“It’s too far away. I can’t make it in time.” Maybe some part of him didn’t want to?
>>Look, Shepard. There.<<
Nairi had crawled down his arm and was pointing her body to the left. He squinted. Something vaguely bluish was floating on the surface of the water. He blinked. Fuck. It couldn’t be possible. The pilot appeared to be floating in a protective Eezo bubble. As he watched, though, the bubble flickered.
>>Let’s go now!<< The queen launched herself off his arm and into the water, swimming furiously toward the body.
Shepard scowled. He had a bad feeling about this.
***
Somehow Nairi reached the pilot ahead of Shepard. He was having trouble tracking her in the waves. The pilot’s body was barely floating and he had to stop and kick furiously at the crest of the waves in order to see. He had swum too far to the north. Groaning, he turned south, feeling the cold begin to sap the life out of him. He didn’t know how long he could stay out there. This was suicide.
>>No, Shepard. You’ll be fine. We’re right over here.<<
He felt like he was going to be sick. He had never been much of a swimmer. How was he going to get himself and the pilot back to the beach?
>>Just a sec.<< There was a pause and then incredibly the pilot’s body rose up from the waves.
>>I’ve augmented his biotic field. I can keep him afloat.<<
Shepard got a mouthful of water when he tried to respond. How the fuck had she done that? These Keepers were full of surprises. He paddled up to them and treaded water.
“How am I supposed to grab him like this?” He managed to gasp in between waves.
>>Grab me. I will wrap myself around your wrist while holding onto the field with my tail.<<
Of course, she will, he thought sarcastically. Why didn’t this surprise him? He held out his hand and Nairi wrapped her body around it. He started back toward shore.
The waves helped push them back to shore but even so it was a tiring trip. He was freezing as he struggled out of the water, pulling the pilot behind him. The Eezo barrier flickered out and the queen twined her way back up his arm.
Shepard looked at the pilot. He couldn’t tell if it was a man or woman. Whoever it was, they were encased in some of the best Alliance armor he’d ever seen, though. (What would an Alliance officer be doing in a Geth fighter?) This person was important, whoever they were. He shook his head. It was too coincidental that a Special Forces pilot would appear so close to where the Citadel had crashed to earth. There was only one explanation.
The Alliance was looking for him.
>>That’s a safe bet.<< Nairi commented.
“And did I ask for your opinion?”
Silence but he could tell she was feeling smug. Sometimes he hated her brashness.
>>Just like my mother.<<
“Fuck off!”
He turned back toward the pilot. The armor was rising and falling gently. The bastard was still alive at least.
He paced down the shore and picked up his discarded boots and shirt.
>>He is injured but not seriously.<<
“He? How do you know?”
>>Ahem, have you forgotten how we communicate, Shepard?<<
Oh, right. She was inside his mind just like she was inside Shepard’s.
He sighed. “Will I hurt him if I pick him up?”
There was a moment of silence. >>No, but be careful with his right leg. It’s badly bruised. And the ribs on the right side of his body are broken. I think he has a mild concussion as well.<<
Shepard stared down at the pilot. “The bastard is lucky to be alive after that crash. I still don’t know how he survived it.”
Carefully, he stooped down and pulled the pilot up by the left arm, ducking his head under it so that he was able to stand up and lift the man up with him. There was a moan of pain.
>>He’s Ok.<<
Shepard grimaced, still feeling torn. Why was he helping this man who almost certainly was going to try to force him back into the Alliance?
Chloe ran ahead of them as they made the slow journey to the shack. The pilot was not a big man but his armor was heavy. Shepard had forgotten how bulky the stuff was. He remembered a time when he felt naked without it but now savored the freedom and lightness of being unarmored.
The slow and difficult trek up to the shack at least warmed him up after the swim in the frigid waters. He was dripping with sweat by the time they reached the door. Somehow, he managed to pull it open without dropping the pilot. He dragged the man across the floor and deposited him on the bed.
“Let’s get that armor off,” he said to himself, working the clasps on the helmet. They were stuck, though. Some kind of lock?
>>Here.<<
Nairi slithered down his arm and, balancing on her head, wormed her tail through the clasp. There was a little click and it gave way. She crawled over to the other side and worked her magic there as well.
“Pretty fucking incredible,” he murmured.
>>Indeed.<<
It was time to remove the helmet but Shepard felt himself hesitating. With the helmet on, the pilot was a thing. An unwelcome thing. If he removed the helmet, the pilot would become a person. He realized he didn’t want this to happen. Part of him wanted this interloper to remain an impersonal object. Objects were easier to discard.
He was holding his breath.
>>Come on, Shepard.<<
“Ok, but I don’t like this.”
He lifted off the helmet and then dropped it as if it had burned him.
It was Kaiden.
>>That is not Kaiden, Shepard.<<
Shepard tried and failed to find his voice. He was so overcome with emotion. He blinked back tears. Kaiden. It was fucking Kaiden Alenko.
>>No, it’s not. Lift off the helmet again.<<
His hands were shaking. “I can’t.”
>>I’m telling you, that is not Kaiden. Now lift off the helmet. We have to care for him.<< Nairi’s voice was impatient, disgusted even.
Slowly, he mastered himself and lifted the helmet off again with trembling hands.
The pilot’s head lolled to the side. He gaped. It sure looked like Kaiden.
>>How old is Kaiden, Shepard?<<
“What? Why?”
>>How old is he?<<
“I don’t know. Maybe thirty eight? Thirty nine?”
>>How old is this man, Shepard?<<
Shepard stared at the pilot. Christ, it looked just like Kaiden but Nairi was right. This man was much younger than Kaiden. He didn’t have any grey hair around the temples and his skin was darker. A lot darker. Still, there was an undeniable resemblance. The guy’s jaw was squarer and even though the man was unconscious there was a determined resolve etched onto his features that Kaiden lacked.
>>This is Kaiden’s son.<<
The words hung in Shepard’s mind. Then little fireworks exploded.
“Kaiden’s…son?”
>>Yes, by Rahna. You knew that they were intimate. I can see your memories.<<
Shepard felt himself go numb. Kaiden and Rahna had a child together? Why hadn’t Kaiden told him? It took him a while to realize that the emotion he was feeling was jealousy. It should have been he and Kaiden who had a child together. Not that freaky biotic bitch. He realized he was knotting his fists and forced himself to relax.
“Fuck,” he exhaled.
>>Yes, they did that.<<
He stared at Nairi. “Sometimes you’re a little too much like your father, you know.”
>>I know.<< She used De Soto’s voice.
“Stop it!” He tossed the helmet aside and, easing the pilot onto his side, stomped out of the shack. He left the queen stranded on the pilot’s—Kaiden’s son’s—shoulder.
***
She crawled out to the garden where he was furiously planting a row of radish seedlings. The sky was growing dark. There was going to be a storm after all.
>>I’m sorry, Mom.<< She sounded sincere.
“You have no idea what it’s like, you know,” he said, pushing a seedling a little too firmly into the soil.
>>You’re right.<<
“I fucking love—loved Kaiden.”
>>I know.<<
“I wake up sometimes and can’t sleep because I’m afraid that I killed him. I was such an asshole to him. And yet he stayed with me.” He turned toward her, not bothering to wipe away his tears. “Why?” he demanded.
>>Because he loved you.<<
He dropped the trowel. He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t do this. He had to get out of there.
He stood up, glancing around at his beloved farm and realized he had to get out there. He had to leave now and go far away if he was ever going to have a chance to be happy again. He would leave. Yes, he would fucking leave.
>>You know that you’re not really going to leave.<<
Fuck. How had she grown so wise so quickly? She could read him like a fucking data pad.
>>True.<<
“Stop it!”
>>I can’t. Your thoughts will always be open to me. You’re my mother after all.<<
He wiped the back of his hand across his face. He felt both hot and chilled at the same time. “It’s not fair that I can’t read your thoughts, too.”
>>If I had thoughts, you could read them.<<
This stopped him.
“Wait…you don’t have thoughts? Everyone has thoughts.”
>>Untrue.<< This time she used EDI’s voice. >>Every sentient being and even many non-sentient ones have knowing but that is not the same as thoughts. Thoughts are…a disconnection from the Source.<<
“Huh?” Something about her statement alarmed him but he didn’t know exactly why.
>>Don’t worry about it.<< Back to Liara’s voice. >>Just know that you have the ability to read me in much the same way that I read you. You’ve been able to do so from the beginning, you just didn’t realize it.<<
He stared at her.
>>Our guest is awake<< she said, changing the subject. >> If we don’t go back soon, he will try to come looking for you and he may injure himself further.<<
She turned and slithered back toward the shack.
Warring with himself, he followed her. He wasn’t ready for this. How could he ever be ready for this?
Shepard stopped outside of the shack, hesitating. He had his hand on the door but couldn’t make himself enter. There was a sound coming from the inside. It was the pilot’s voice. It sounded like he was chanting.
Confused, he crept around to look in the window. The wind was picking up and he felt the first raindrops fall. It was cold. Peering in, at first he didn’t see the pilot but then he noticed he was kneeling on the floor, back to Shepard.
He was praying.
The guy is a Muslim?
>>Confirmed. Though he is facing west, not southeast. We’ll need to install a mihrab so he knows the proper direction.<<
Shepard stared at Nairi. She was at his feet, looking rather proud of herself.
“And how the fuck do you know what a mihrab is?” he asked, incredulous.
>>Not telling.<< she answered glibly.
He shook his head and turned back to the window. The pilot had finished praying and was trying to pull himself up but he had to cling to the bed and haul himself up.
>>He appears to still be injured even though I saw him using Medigel.<<
Shepard sighed and turned to the door. There was no delaying this.
***
The pilot (Kaiden’s son—Shepard reminded himself for the thousandth time) was lying in bed as he opened the door, his armor stacked neatly on the floor. Chloe was curled up next to him, asleep. He was wrapped tightly in one of the woolen blankets that Shepard, lacking the time to build a loom, had crudely stitched together that winter. The kid’s lips were blue.
Shepard stood there feeling a lump in his throat. Kaiden! Fuck. He missed him so much. This was just cruel. He swallowed, trying to think of something to say before he embarrassed himself and started to cry.
The young pilot beat him to it. “Commander Shepard, sir!” he exclaimed in a deep voice, saluting. “But how…?” The lieutenant tried to scramble up in the bed but only succeeded in waking Chloe. He winced and collapsed, face pale. His eyes were glassy.
“At ease, soldier,” Shepard said, amazed by how natural it seemed to say that. He thought he’d never be a commanding officer again. In truth, he probably wasn’t. Just hearing his own voice, calm and authoritative helped. Maybe he could do this? Maybe.
“Lieutenant Ozen, sir!” the young man said, saluting again.
God, he looked so much like Kaiden. And Kaiden had been a lieutenant when they’d first met. The lieutenant was a smaller man than Kaiden but there was something about him that filled up the room. The guy had presence, that was for sure. Shepard swallowed, seeing there was a lot more to this guy than he’d expected. He had short-cropped hair, standard Alliance buzz cut, a square jaw and a steely look in his eyes. He might look like Kaiden but there was a hardness to him that Kaiden hadn’t possessed. Kaiden had been more open, tentative. Shepard realized he was staring and he flicked his eyes to the pilot’s face. The man was watching him, something hidden in his gaze that Shepard couldn’t quite name. He managed to say, “I said relax, Lieutenant.”
Ozen reluctantly settled down in bed but his eyes followed Shepard closely. It was like he was being evaluated. It was disconcerting. Still, he realized that he was doing the same thing. This was Kaiden Alenko’s son! Kaiden’s son had found him. Shepard felt Nairi crawling unobtrusively up his leg.
>>I think it’s best if I don’t show myself right away.<<
“I can’t believe you’re actually alive. I can’t believe I found you,” Ozen was saying. “I can’t believe it worked. I got through the barrier.” He blinked and Shepard realized this was a subtle sign that the lieutenant was fighting back emotion. As Shepard watched, Ozen quickly mastered himself, eyes turning flinty and detached. It was pretty amazing. I used to be like that, Shepard thought to himself. He didn’t think he could be that way now.
“Yes, you found me,” he commented, consciously breaking eye contact. He felt so fucking awkward. His thoughts were all over the place and his heart was beating like crazy in his chest.
The man took a deep breath and, wincing, sat up and surprised Shepard by grabbing his hand. “Do you know where my father is, Commander?”
Shepard felt himself flinch and unsuccessfully covered it up by wiping his hand across his face. The lump was back in his throat. Ozen blinked again and then lowered his eyes, saying in a throaty voice, “He’s dead, isn’t he?”
Shepard blinked. He didn’t know what to say. “Lieutenant…”
Ozen clenched his jaw and dropped Shepard’s hand. Turning away, he lay back in the bed.
Shepard watched him, uncertain what to do or say.
>>Comfort him, you big idiot.<<
He didn’t look like he needed comforting. If anything, he looked pissed. Shepard cleared his throat again, feeling supremely uncomfortable.
>>Shepard, you know this is an act. He needs you.<<
He needs me? Really? Cautiously, he settled down on the foot of the bed. Ozen turned away, jaw muscles working.
“Lieutenant…Ozen,” he said, voice sounding hollow. “I don’t know if Kaiden is alive or not. I haven’t seen him since I put him aboard the Normandy just before we attacked Harbinger. He was injured…badly, but not fatally. I don’t know where they went.”
Ozen exhaled but kept his face turned away.
Shepard continued hesitantly, “They could be anywhere.”
More silence.
Cursing his awkwardness, Shepard changed the subject. “Uh, I take it that the Geth survived the blast somehow? How did…?”
Ozen sat up a little in bed but he wouldn’t look at him. “The Geth were able to neutralize the blast. I was in an Alliance flotilla that was traveling with a Geth convoy.”
So the Geth figured out how to survive the blast. This information was unexpected. “How many ships made it?”
“All the Geth who were in space survived but only a handful of Alliance, Asari, Salarian, and Turian ships made it.” His voice dropped, “The Normandy must have been destroyed.”
Those words fell like a stone. The air felt charged.
Shepard shifted on the edge of the bed. “Ozen, I’m sorry…”
These words ignited something in the lieutenant and it was like a bomb went off.
Ozen lunged at him, grabbing him by the collar. Shepard fell forward across the bed. “You’re sorry?” Ozen demanded, all but screaming. “You’re sorry! Why the fuck did you do that, Commander? Why did you have to destroy everything? The galaxy is a big, fucked up mess because of you. You fucking destroyed everything!”
His hands were so tight that Shepard could barely breathe. He could have fought back but didn’t. He forced himself to meet Ozen’s eyes. His gaze was seething with hatred.
The lieutenant held him like that for a minute before his expression became hard, dull, and flat again. He let go of Shepard, pushing him away with disgust.
“And why the fuck did you send away my father? I thought you were…” His voice trailed off as he tried to lift himself off the bed like he was going to leave but winced in pain. Shepard put his hand on the young man’s shoulder but Ozen shook it off, spitting, “I need to find the core and get out of here. This was a fucking waste of my time.”
Shepard should have been more affected by this than he was. He got up and walked over to the window, watching the wind lash the dune grass and seeing giant swells rising and crashing on the shore in the distance. The sky looked ugly. So much for his legend surviving. Apparently, he’d gone from savior to mass murderer in the blink of an eye. He didn’t know how Ozen knew about his decision but he guessed the Geth had found out somehow. As he stood there, staring out, he realized that he did feel some remorse but didn’t regret his decision. This life was better than the alternatives. And he’d never asked to play god. Why had the fate of the galaxy rested in his hands anyway? And why had the options been so few? He shook his head.
He could feel Ozen’s eyes boring into him. What could he do? There seemed to be nothing to say.
“As soon as I am well enough, I going to get out of here.”
“Are the Geth going to send a rescue ship?” Shepard asked. He hoped so. He just wanted to be alone again, though he doubted that they would leave him alone for long. Maybe they’d try him for genocide?
There was an ominous silence. “Not until I find and activate the core. The core will disrupt the barrier long enough for them to get to me.”
“The barrier?”
Another long silence. He could hear Ozen’s uneven breaths and guessed the pilot was resisting the urge to strangle him again.
“Yes, Commander. The fucking barrier. Haven’t you noticed the absence of spacecraft in the past year?” His voice was dripping with malice.
Shepard was getting tired of this. “I assumed that they were all destroyed.”
There was a loud exhale followed by a snort of derision. “Almost all of them were. Thanks to you, you selfish bastard. But, no, the Geth ships are all intact. But they can’t land. No one can get through the barrier. It’s different from the blast that destroyed our technology.”
“But you got through,” Shepard observed.
“Only because of my biotics. I’m an L4 and the strongest of the battalion. I knew I could get through.”
“And the core was in your ship? Are you sure it survived the crash?”
“Of course. I’m sure it did. I just have to find it.”
“That may be difficult, Lieutenant. Your ship sank in the ocean.”
Without a pause, Ozen stated emphatically, “I’ll find it. And I’ll get out of here.”
There didn’t seem to be anything left to say after this. They spent the rest of the evening in stony silence. Shepard made dinner but the lieutenant refused to eat anything. He lay in bed, watching Shepard with a hate-filled stare. It was a long, uncomfortable night.
***
Ozen and Chloe were gone in the morning when Shepard awoke, lying on the little pallet of sheep skins he’d made on the floor.
>>He’s gone down to the beach.<< Nairi was curled up around his neck.
Shepard groaned and got up. The kid was going to drown trying to find that damned core. He didn’t feel like helping but he also wanted to make sure Ozen got off planet as soon as possible. That wasn’t going to happen unless they found the core. He got up and walked stiffly down to the beach.
He blinked when he caught sight of Ozen. The Lieutenant was wearing only a very brief pair of underwear. Despite his mood, Shepard found himself admiring the man’s lithe body. Ozen was not built like his father. Kaiden had been muscular, almost beefy. His son was slim, small, almost elegant in the way he moved. Shepard forced himself to stop staring and looked down at the sand. The kid must take after his mother, he thought, unconsciously reaching down to adjust his package.
Ozen was wading into the surf as Shepard approached. Shepard tried and failed to keep his attention on anything but the guy’s naked body. Finally, he gave up and just let himself stare. Ozen was too preoccupied to notice anyway. God, the kid has quite the body! His dark, hairless skin glowed with health and his underwear left little to the imagination. Shepard felt his mouth go dry as Ozen turned slightly, allowing a good view of his profile—for a small man, he sure had a meaty ass and that bulge… Shepard swallowed, now very aware that his cock was nearing a full state of arousal. From the looks of things, the kid took after his dad in more than looks. Fuck, remember this is Kaiden’s son, he reminded himself sternly. His body didn’t care, though. It had been more than a year since he’d been fucked the last time.
>>And the last time you had sex was with his father.<< Nairi’s voice held a tinge of disapproval.
Fuck off! I’m only human!
>>I’d say you’re behaving more like an animal.<<
Shepard scowled and shook his head. Nairi had succeeded both in making his erection deflate and in making him feel like a lecherous old man. Was it incestuous to lust after your lover’s son?
The lieutenant turned as Shepard approached. There was an angry bruise running down his thigh and his chest was vaguely purplish. He didn’t seem bothered by his injuries, though. He gave Shepard a cold look before continuing out to sea.
“Will you keep an eye on him for me?” he asked the little queen.
>>Sure.<< Her voice was tart, short. He felt her slide down his shoulder and drop into the sand. She made her way into the water, her body undulating smoothly as she swam out to Ozen.
Shepard wandered down the beach, sifting through the wreckage that had washed up overnight. There wasn’t much useful in the flotsam, just little bits and pieces of the ship scattered among fronds of kelp. One thing caught his eye, though. It looked like a black glass ball about thirty centimeters in diameter. It was scratched and battered but whole. He picked it up and examined it. It was really heavy. He shook it but it felt solid. Was this the core? Shepard put it under his arm and headed back down the beach.
Ozen had disappeared in the surf. Chloe was wagging her tail and barking, running into and out of waves, uncertain whether to follow him. After a while, she swam out a little way but then turned back, trotting up the beach to shake herself off next to Shepard.
“You’re such a good girl,” he said sarcastically, moving away.
The waves were still high from the storm and crashed dramatically on the shore. Shepard wondered how the lieutenant thought he would ever find anything out there. He didn’t have any gear and he didn’t even know precisely where the ship had crashed. He’d better be a terrific swimmer, he thought to himself. Eventually, he got tired of waiting and left the glass ball sitting on top of a piece of driftwood where Ozen would see it when he got out. He and Chloe headed back to do the morning chores.
***
“It’s not working,” Ozen announced flatly as he stalked through the garden, carrying the globe and scowling.
“Hey! Watch where you’re walking!” Shepard scolded. Ozen had just flattened a row of spinach.
The lieutenant looked down and, frowning, stepped over onto the path. He was still in his underwear, dripping wet. His lips were purple and he was clearly not happy.
“I’ve tried everything. Even my biotics aren’t working. The barrier must be disrupting everything, even stuff on the ground.
“Nothing works down here,” Shepard confirmed and watched Ozen’s jaw set again in the familiar position. His eyes went dark.
“Then how did they launch the Citadel? It launched from nearby. You must know something about it.”
>>Don’t say anything about us yet, Shepard.<< Nairi was crawling surreptitiously through the grass behind Ozen.
Shepard shrugged. He didn’t know why the queen didn’t want to be revealed but he would play along. “I have no idea. I didn’t have anything to do with it. I didn’t even know that they were rebuilding it until I saw it launch.”
Ozen’s eyes narrowed. Clearly, he didn’t buy this but he didn’t say anything. “They? It sounds like you know who ‘they’ are.”
Shepard did his best to look innocent, spreading his hands. “I don’t know who rebuilt it. To be honest, I’ve had no desire to find out. I like it here.”
Ozen didn’t have to say anything, the expression on his face was eloquent: As long as I have my little farm on the ocean, who gives a fuck about the rest of humanity?
Shepard looked down and continued thinning.
After a pregnant silence, the lieutenant said tonelessly, “We watched it launch from space. They used Eezo; it must have taken a mountain of the stuff. Whoever did it was very advanced and able to counteract the barrier.”
Nairi made a snorting sound in his mind. He couldn’t see her but suspected she was hiding in the grass. >>Amazing. He really has no idea who rebuilt it. We’re completely invisible.<<
“Did you try asking the Keepers how they did it?” Shepard asked innocently.
Ozen scoffed. “They’re just a bunch of stupid drones! There’s no way they could have done it on their own. Someone must be directing them. Or something.” He was watching Shepard’s face closely. Shepard shrugged and bent down, moving on to the beet seedlings.
>>Stupid drones, indeed!<< Nairi was behind Ozen, hiding in the weeds on the edge of the garden. Apparently, she could only talk in Shepard’s mind. Ozen was completely oblivious to her words.
“I can’t help you there,” Shepard said, not looking up. “I haven’t seen anyone but a few apes since I’ve been here.”
“Apes?” Ozen queried. “You’ve seen apes?”
“Yeah, they must have escaped from zoos. They came through here in the fall last year and I’ve seen a few trickling back this spring. They must migrate with the warm weather.”
“What about people? You must have seen other people.”
“Not around here. It’s pretty depopulated. I think the Reapers got everyone. There must be people left in the cities, though. There were quite a few people left in London when we were fighting there.”
Ozen carefully set the core on the ground at his feet, shaking his head. “We can’t see anything from space. The barrier distorts everything. We were only able to pinpoint the citadel’s location when it launched. That’s why I came here. We thought that whoever oversaw the rebuilding of the Citadel could help us because obviously they stayed back here. The Citadel was completely empty when we docked.”
>>Hmpf.<<
Shepard turned away and smiled to himself.
Ozen continued, “We never expected to find you here. Everyone thinks you’re dead. How did you survive anyway?” He sounded suspicious.
>>Be careful, Shepard.<<
Shepard kept his head down. “I don’t know. I woke up in a pile of wreckage. I had enough Medigel to heal my wounds but just barely.”
There was a long pause. “Incredible,” Ozen said finally in a chilly voice. “Somehow you managed to survive when billions didn’t.”
Shepard didn’t take the bait and merely shifted down the row, continuing to work. After a while, he saw Ozen’s feet move closer to him out of the corner of his eye. Even his feet were handsome. The young man was silent for a long time. Finally, he asked awkwardly, “I’m…hungry. Do you have anything to eat? And, um, I could use some clothes, too.” His voice sounded odd and Shepard realized it must kill the guy to have to ask for his help.
He sat back on his haunches and looked up at Ozen, shielding his eyes from the morning sun. It was a pleasant day, warm and humid. Shepard loved being out in the sun. “Sure,” he said simply.
***
As the lieutenant devoured a third plate of eggs and mushrooms, Shepard guessed it had been a long time since he’d eaten real food.
“What do they feed you up there anyway?” he asked, scraping the last of the eggs onto Ozen’s plate. He was still wearing only his underwear because none of Shepard’s clothes fit him and Shepard was finding it increasingly distracting. He would head up to the ranch house after breakfast to look for more clothes. There had to be something up there that would fit him.
Ozen made a face. “Synthetic slime. It’s disgusting. We were beginning to run out of supplies before the Citadel reappeared. We’re growing food up there but it will be a while until there’s enough to go around.” He stuffed another forkful into his mouth, making a funny sound. “This is fucking amazing, Commander. I could eat all day.”
Shepard was glad he had plenty of food stored up from the previous year. If Ozen was stuck with him for long, they would need it.
***
Ozen stayed behind when Shepard and Chloe made the trek up to the ranch house for clothes. He was still healing from his injuries and was exhausted from his long swim in the ocean. He had settled into Shepard’s bed, turning his back on him. Despite his gratitude for being fed, the young man was clearly not going to forgive Shepard anytime soon.
The door to the modular ranch house was ajar when Shepard got there and he stopped on the threshold, uncertain. He was sure that he’d closed it the last time he was there? Had someone been inside? Or worse, was someone inside right now? He took a deep breath. There could be no one else. He hadn’t seen another person other than Lieutenant Ozen in over a year. Maybe more ships had succeeded in breaching this barrier that Ozen talked about? He would have heard the sonic booms of their entry. No, there was no one else. But there could be something else…
He was reaching down to restrain Chloe when she let out a little yelp and dashed inside. This isn’t good, he thought.
>>Don’t worry.<< The little queen was wrapped placidly around his neck. She didn’t bother even lifting her head.
You don’t sense anything inside? He thought, knowing she could hear his question.
>>Yes, but it’s nothing to worry about. Go and see.<<
Shepard stepped inside tentatively. The place seemed…different…but he couldn’t tell why. When the smell hit him, though, he knew what had happened. The apes had found the place. He rounded the corner of the first bedroom in time to witness Chloe joyfully greeting two big apes. One of them was crouching down, hugging her to his chest while she licked his face exuberantly. The big brute made a funny noise that almost sounded like speech. Shepard shook his head, watching them. Every time he met one of the apes, he was amazed at how human they seemed. Had there ever been a time in Earth’s history when humans and apes had coexisted? He knew how the story had ended: The humans had exterminated all the apes in the wild and only a handful had survived in zoos and for research. There was something obscurely comforting knowing that the apes had prevailed in the end. Shepard guessed that they far outnumbered the remnants of humans left after the Reaper scourge.
The apes were so focused on Chloe that it took them a moment to register his presence. When they did, the kneeling ape patted the dog on the head before gently pushing her down. He slowly straightened and Shepard’s eyes widened when he saw the enormous size of the beast’s package. Holy fuck! he thought, amazed. That’s not possible even for an ape! His eyes darted to the other ape and noted that, while certainly huge by human standards, its equipment was not nearly as enormous. What the…?
A thought began to form in the back of his head when the ape launched itself across the room at him. He let out an involuntary cry as it had grabbed him in its stinky arms. He started to struggle before he realized that the beast wasn’t attacking him; it was hugging him in much the same way it had hugged the dog.
Shepard stood there, feeling adrenaline pumping through his veins from his unexpected capture, not sure what to do. The ape’s enormous package was pressed insistently against his stomach and despite himself, he felt himself starting to get turned on.
Shit! He thought. What is wrong with me? Was he really this fucking desperate? He must really need to get laid if even this foul-smelling, hairy ape could get him going. Carefully, he attempted to free himself from the stinky embrace. The ape, though, didn’t want to let go of him. It was making the weirdest noise, almost a keening sound interspersed with sounds that were almost human. He could have sworn that it was trying to form words. But Shepard knew that apes couldn’t talk.
Then it clicked.
Apes don’t talk.
People talk.
Heart pounding, he managed to dislodge himself from the sweaty hug but he didn’t shove the beast away from him. Instead, he held the ape at arm’s length and studied its face. The ape’s eyes were alive with emotion. Was that a tear in the corner of its eye?
Shepard looked down and surveyed the creature’s enormous package before looking up again. How old was this ape? He couldn’t tell exactly but it appeared to be a young adult, maybe twenty human years old.
His chest froze.
The boy who owned this room would probably be the same age.
If he were alive today.
The boy who owned this room had augmented his genitalia. It probably had looked much like this ape’s.
If he were alive today.
He swallowed as the final pieces of the puzzle fell into place.
What if he were alive today and standing directly in front of him?
But…how?
What?
It didn’t make sense. No, it couldn’t be true. This couldn’t be the same kid who once lived in this room. It couldn’t be. But…what if it was? What if this ape had once been human? That would explain why it was so familiar with Chloe…and with Shepard. He looked at the faded poster on the wall behind them. The kid had obviously known who Shepard was. Fuck, he’d obviously idolized him. The other apes that he’d met had acted like they knew him as well. He’d thought they were just being friendly. And one of them had given him his N7 medallion as a gift. Shepard realized he was holding his breath and forced himself to exhale slowly. The ape, unable to contain itself, yanked him back into a tight embrace but Shepard’s mind was elsewhere.
It was just too coincidental.
Yes, he didn’t know how it could but he felt strongly that this wasn’t an ape. It was a human. Or it had been a human once…before it had…what?…devolved. Christ, it all made sense. The humans hadn’t been killed off.
They had devolved.
He felt Nairi tighten slightly around his neck. He knew what this meant and he felt himself go cold.
She made a little sound in his mind like a reluctant sigh before saying, >>Yes, we knew all along, Shepard. I’m sorry. They wouldn’t let me tell you.<<
With a supreme act of will, he managed to school his features and not let loose the string of obscenities he wanted to spew at that moment. He forced himself to endure the long embrace from the ape. It had started to make a little mewling sound that almost made him break down in tears, knowing what he knew now. This had been a human being once. Fuck. He returned the embrace, not caring that he was probably getting covered in lice. A nagging fear was in the back of his mind: Why did he feel like he had somehow been responsible? But he hadn’t caused this. He had just nuked technology, right? He hadn’t made the entire human race devolve back to apes. Had he?
Nairi was silent. Shepard felt his heart clench.
Had he done this to humanity?
He felt her stir finally. >>Not directly, no.<<
That didn’t make him feel much better.
>>That was one of the reasons we didn’t tell you.<<
What?
>>We knew you were…fragile.<<
Fragile? Christ, the Keepers had withheld this from him out of pity. Fuck. They saw him as a charity case.
He felt his shoulders sag as Nairi commented drily, >>Not exactly charity. More like damaged goods.<<
Shepard stiffened but just then the ape pulled away. It placed a warm hand on his face. Shepard swallowed, feeling awful.
“This was your home once, wasn’t it?”
There was a spark of something in the ape’s eyes. It nodded. So, the creatures could still understand human language even if they couldn’t speak any longer.
Shepard couldn’t take this any longer and broke away. He was having trouble breathing. The apes stood there, watching him. There was such adoration in their gaze. Fuck. What had he done? What the fuck had he done?
In the end, he asked permission to take some of the clothes from the master bedroom. The dresser next to the closet contained the clothes that belonged to the smaller of the two men and he judged they would probably fit Ozen. The apes followed him around the house, touching him and acting like he was some sort of god. Shepard felt like he was going to lose it. It took everything he had not to break down. So, this is what has become of humanity?
He had to get out of there.
Gathering the clothes up in a small pile, he took his leave, waving his goodbyes to the apes and hoping they would just let him leave without a fuss. They didn’t look like they wanted him to go but made no attempt to follow him. The air in the house was stifling and he took deep gulps of air as he exited the place. He wouldn’t be coming back there again. He couldn’t stand it.
After a few minutes, Chloe caught up with him, running ahead in the new grass that was just beginning to become lush and green again after the long winter. Shepard felt wooden and empty inside. Even the dog had abandoned the apes in favor of him. He didn’t know why this bothered him so much. Was he the only human left on Earth? Had everyone but him devolved?
Why was he still human? What was so special about him?
>>You’re not human any longer, Shepard. Keepers do not devolve.<<
Ok, that was it.
This was too much. So what if he was damaged? He didn’t care. He toppled down to his knees. The bundle of clothes scattered on the ground as he dropped his head in his hands, unable to keep from sobbing. Fuck, what was he? He was a fucking monster. He wasn’t even fucking human any more. He was a fucking freak! He didn’t even know who he was. Or what he was. He was a fucking amalgam of something that should never have existed. He should never have existed.
He never went back to the ranch and never saw the two apes again.
***
Ozen took the clothes from him without a word. He got dressed (the clothes actually fit him quite well) and, gathering his armor in a bag that he took without asking permission, departed with the bag slung over his shoulder and the core under his arm.
“I’m going to find the Citadel’s launching pad,” he announced flatly. “Maybe I can find a way to get back from there.” He left off the words, because I’m wasting my time here with you, but they hung in the air between them. Shepard felt a lump in his chest but didn’t make an attempt to change the lieutenant’s mind. He knew that Ozen would never listen to him.
“Ok, good luck.” The words lacked emotion. Ozen gave him a cold look before turning his back to him and stalking away.
Shepard sighed, feeling Nairi creep out from under his shirt collar.
>>He will not find what he is looking for because he can’t see what is in front of him.<<
“I don’t know what that’s like,” Shepard commented dryly, feeling heavy hearted and depressed. Nairi nuzzled against his neck but didn’t say anything.
***
Chapter 2
The days stretched into summer and Shepard almost forgot about Ozen. He would have forgotten the boy entirely if it hadn’t been for ships in the night sky. They appeared almost as soon as Ozen departed. Too high up for him to tell what kind of craft they were, he suspected they belonged to the Geth. Endlessly circling, they appeared like bright streaks in the sky. They were patrolling in a wide area directly over the spot where Ozen’s ship had plummeted into the ocean and Shepard knew they were looking for signs of the lieutenant. He wondered if Ozen could see them as well, though he reasoned that the young man was too far away to the east.
None of the ships tried to enter the atmosphere. For the first week, he would tense every time he saw one overhead but slowly relaxed as the weeks rolled by and no ships materialized in his backyard. If Ozen was correct, the ships’ sensors couldn’t detect anything on the ground. They just circled up there all night long and eventually he ignored them. He knew on some level that he would never be safe and they would keep circling until they found a way to land. They had too much information now and would not stop pursuing him. What they would do with him when they finally caught him, he couldn’t guess. Maybe try him for war crimes? The Alliance was too humane for the death penalty but their worst punishment wasn’t much better: Memory expungement. They could destroy his mind so that he would spend the rest of his days as a drooling husk, barely able to do menial tasks. He shuddered when he thought about it. It would be better to die.
>>Don’t be so melodramatic.<< Nairi said in a bored tone. >>You are assuming that the Alliance holds the same view of your actions that Ozen does.<<
It bothered him that she had become so wise so quickly. She wasn’t even a year old and already possessed an unearthly kind of intelligence.
>>We share a collective mind just like the Rachni, Shepard. If you weren’t so attached to this mistaken notion that you’re still human, you could partake from the wisdom of your sisters as well.<<
Partake from the wisdom of your sisters? What the fuck? Shepard shivered. That was just weird.
“No thanks,” he muttered, reaching out to throw another branch on the fire. They were reclining on the rocks down by the beach. Chloe’s legs jerked in her sleep and she whimpered. Chasing rabbits, no doubt, he thought and smiled. He might be deluded but he rather liked being human. He had no desire to be one of the Keepers.
>>You already are one of us. You have been for years.<<
“Whatever.” He yawned and stretched. “I’m going to sleep.” He lay there for a long time before getting up, kicking sand over the fire, and heading back to the shack.
***
He encountered apes almost daily that summer. (People. They are people, he kept reminding himself.) There seemed to be more and more of them all the time. For the most part, they left him alone and were unfailingly kind when he would accidentally stumble into the middle of a traveling band. For being so big and, well, primitive, they were quite peaceful. He never felt threatened and was surprised when some initiated trade with him, bringing him small game and occasionally the haunch of a deer in exchange for vegetables from his garden. He would load them up, making sure to give them far more than they had given him. Shepard knew he was doing it out of guilt but it didn’t matter. He felt like he needed to do whatever he could to make up for what he had done to humanity.
>>Don’t you think it’s ironic that they are kinder now than when they were fully human?<< Nairi lacked his sentimentality when it came to the fate of the human race.
He felt stung by this comment at first but when he thought about it, he realized it was true. “People always had a hard time living up to their potential,” he admitted. Had he started to think of himself as not human? Maybe knowing he was playing host to an alien species was affecting his mind?
>>You’re not a host. You are fully one of us.<<
“Then why do I feel the same as always? I don’t feel like I’m any different than I ever was.”
>>Is that really true?<<
Shepard didn’t like where this was going but he forced himself to contemplate it for a moment. It was true that he didn’t feel exactly the same as he had before Tagent and the events on Mindoir. Maybe the Keeper who had taken up residence in his body at that time had changed him in some way? He had thought that standing up to Tagent and annihilating the Batarian cohort controlling his colony had made him into the man he was. But maybe it hadn’t. Maybe the Keeper had done that? And now that the first Keeper had died and been replaced by a new one, maybe he hadn’t come to terms with his past so much as taken on the personality of his new occupant?
Nairi made a sighing sound in his mind. >>You really don’t understand anything about us at all, do you? It doesn’t work like that. We don’t change your identity, we augment it.<<
“Augment?” What did that mean?
>>I can’t explain it in words. You will get it when it’s time for you to coalesce.<<
God, this conversation was making his skin crawl. Coalesce? What the fuck did that mean?
If Nairi had fingers, she would have drummed them on the table. >>Oh, just forget it. I’m bored with this. I think the queen was right. I really need to found my own colony.<<
***
A shadow fell across him one day as he was washing in the pool.
He froze. It was a big shadow. He sought mentally for Nairi but she had wandered away. She was spending more and more time on her own these days and he knew it was only a matter of time before she left entirely.
He thought he could hear heavy breathing over the sound of running water and, heart beating in his chest, he turned slowly.
The sun was behind him and hit him in the eyes. He shielded his gaze as he found himself looking up at an enormous ape. Even backlit, he could tell it was the biggest one he’d ever seen. Something felt wrong, though, and he instinctively covered his nakedness with his hands.
He was starting to wade back out of the pool when the creature launched itself at him. Shepard was slammed backward into the water before he could react. Water filled his mouth and lungs as he sank down, carried by the weight and momentum of the giant ape. Belatedly, he tried to fight back but the ape outweighed him by more than double and he was powerless. He was going to drown; he could feel it. Despite his years of training, he felt himself panic. Panic didn’t help. The beast merely continued to hold him underwater and soon Shepard’s mind went black and he began to lose consciousness. All he could do was feel the bitter irony that he was dying now when he most treasured life. Why hadn’t he been allowed to die before when he didn’t care?
He didn’t die.
Just as the darkness closed around him, the creature relented and hauled him to the surface, dragging him back to the edge of the pool and tossing him like a ragdoll on the rocks.
Shepard’s groaned. His whole body felt bruised and water filled his lungs. He coughed weakly, trying to catch his breath but the brute stepped on him, crushing him with its bulk. He cried out and was backhanded across the mouth. His vision went black again and he tasted blood.
“Whaa tha fahck you do to me, Shhhepard?”
Shepard shook his head, feeling sick. He wanted to vomit.
“Please,” he gasped. “Leave me alone.”
“Nevvvvver.” The sound was so gravely it almost didn’t sound human. Fuck, it wasn’t human. It was a fucking ape. But the apes did not talk.
Shepard struggled again but this only made the hideous brute sink onto him. It was pressing a heavy knee against his back, making it difficult for him to breathe.
“Just let me go and we can talk this over. I don’t know what you think I did to you…”
There was a frustrated growl and the creature clubbed him across the head so hard it made his ears ring. He vomited water and blood on the rocks, spitting out a fragment of tooth.
“You fahhking asssshole you fahcking did this to meeee.” God, it could barely be called speech but there was something eerily familiar about the distorted voice.
Shepard felt his chest clench. Oh, fuck. “Ozen?” he asked tentatively. It couldn’t be Ozen, could it? But how…?
“Yesss,” the voice came out as a hiss.
It was fucking Ozen. Christ. So whatever it was that had caused the humans to devolve was still active. How could it have done this to Ozen, though? Ozen had been a small man, no more than 70 kilos. This brute had to weigh well over 100.
“Shit, Ozen!” Shepard exclaimed. “I’m sorry. We’ll figure out how to reverse this, I promise!”
“Too fahcking late, Shepard.” Ozen clubbed him across the head and Shepard cried out. “Gonna kill you.”
Fuck! Shepard was screwed. He struggled but was too weak and Ozen had him pinned down. His mind raced, trying to think of something to say but he came up with nothing. This was just great, he thought sourly. Killed by fucking Kaiden Alenko’s son. How perfect.
>>Shepard, you do have a way of making people hate you, don’t you?<< It was the Keeper queen, speaking in his head using De Soto’s laconic tone. >>I’m of half a mind to let him kill you.<<
Shepard grunted and Ozen clubbed him again. His vision exploded with stars.
>>But unfortunately we need you alive…for the moment at least.<<
There was a scrabbling sound and a second later Ozen made a guttural exclamation. “Wha tha…?” he started to say and then went silent, a moment later he fell over onto his side. Shepard inhaled deeply, glad to finally be able to breathe.
>>Are you Ok, Mom?<< It was Nairi.
Shepard closed his eyes and then reopened them. Something was pulling on him, turning him over onto his back. A moment later he was staring up into the sky, the Keeper queen staring down at him with his glittering red eyes. Shepard made a face. “Where is Nairi?” he asked, turning his head around.
>>I’m right here.<< The voice was coming from the Keeper queen.
He rubbed his aching temples, confused. “You’re in the queen’s body?”
>>I am the queen now. The former queen has just merged with Ozen. It was the only way to stop the devolution…and to save your life.<<
“What?! But how?” Then it clicked. The queen had just traded bodies with Nairi. He had left the insect body and gone into Ozen’s. And Nairi…
>>Yes, that’s right. I just merged with the Keeper’s body. It is wonderful to be embodied. I can’t believe I waited so long.<<
Shepard’s head was pounding. This was all too much. His whole body ached and his brain felt like it had just sloshed around in his skull. He struggled to sit up but collapsed again. The rocks, he realized, were slick with water and blood…his blood.
>>You’re badly hurt. Let me help you.<<
The insect that had just become Nairi crept over to him and cradled his head between its front legs. His head lolled back and his mouth opened as that strange, acrid nectar formed on its mandibles and dripped slowly down. Shepard lost consciousness as it slid down the back of his throat.
***
Chapter 3
>>Wake up, Shepard. The Geth will be here in a few minutes. The core is about to be activated.<<
Sitting up with a jolt, Shepard exclaimed, “What?! Why?”
He looked around wildly. He was buck-naked, lying on the edge of the enormous launch pad that the Keepers had built for the Citadel. Ozen was lying next to him, still deeply asleep but even bigger and hairier than Shepard had realized. Christ, the kid was easily twice his previous size. He was barely recognizable. Shepard’s eyes widened when he saw the size of the monster appendage between his legs and he abruptly looked away. Nairi, in her new insect body, was beside him, her bright ruby eyes glinting in the setting sunlight. She was standing on her hind legs, looking up at the sky. Christ, it was fucking strange seeing her in the insect body that had formerly been occupied by the Keeper queen.
>>It is time. You’ll see why soon enough. There is an emergency that only you can address.<<
Jesus. Of course, there was an emergency that only he could do something about. It was the fucking story of his life. He sunk down onto his elbows only belatedly realizing that he was completely healed. He turned his head and stretched. His body felt…good. Like he was brand new again. He probed around in his mouth with his tongue. Even his cracked tooth had been restored. Whatever those insects had in their spit, it was fucking amazing.
>>Indeed.<< Nairi commented drily, reading his thoughts. >>It is fucking amazing. These bodies have evolved some wondrous abilities. They are good hosts for us.<<
There was a glimmer in the night sky above and Shepard’s attention was brought back to the reason he was lying on the edge of the launch pad. He felt himself grow cold. The Geth. He hadn’t even had a chance to say goodbye to his farm. And Chloe. Fuck, where was Chloe? He felt his heart clench in his chest. He wasn’t ready to go back into space. He wanted to stay here. This was where he belonged.
>>I will make sure that the animals are taken care of, Shepard. Chloe will be safe and happy.<<
He didn’t know why this didn’t reassure him. He pushed himself up on his feet, turning to head back to the farm before the Geth ship arrived but Nairi stopped him. >>Don’t go, Shepard. We…<< She hesitated before continuing. >>Kaiden needs you.<<
He stopped and turned to look down at her, suddenly fearful and hopeful at the same time. “What?! You mean that Kaiden is alive?”
>>He is. And in danger. It’s the Reapers.<<
Shepard froze. The Reapers. But he had destroyed them. They had been utterly annihilated.
>>They were not. Harbinger remains. He is on Mindoir. As is Kaiden.<<
There was a long pause in which Shepard was only aware of his heart pounding in his chest, his mind struggling to take all of this in. How could the Reapers have survived? And Kaiden…Kaiden was alive, too. He stood there, completely numb. Harbinger. Kaiden. Mindoir.
Christ.
>>The Geth will take you back to the Citadel and everything will be explained. There is still hope.<<
Shepard felt his heart swell in his chest. Kaiden. Fucking Kaiden Alenko. It didn’t seem possible. But he believed Nairi. She wouldn’t lie to him. As much as he didn’t want to leave Earth, he knew he couldn’t let Kaiden down again. If there was a way to save him, Shepard would do it. He owed him that much. He would make things right this time.
“How soon before they get here?” he asked, standing up straight and staring up into the sky. The glimmer above was getting brighter.
Part 3: THE CITADEL
Chapter 1
The Geth had changed since Shepard had last seen them.
Shepard watched as the little fighter (that reminded him of the dragonfly larvae living in the stream near the shack) landed gracefully on the launch pad in front of them. Ozen was still deeply asleep so it was just Nairi and Shepard who stepped forward. Shepard was keenly aware of his nakedness but knew that the Geth didn’t register clothes and certainly didn’t possess a human’s sense of modesty. He would have felt far more awkward if it had been an Alliance ship that was landing in front of him.
The top of the sleek yet strangely predatory-looking ship popped open and a figure emerged, swathed in a swirl of phosphorescent exhaust. The sun was setting and the first stars of the evening twinkled above the mountains to the east. Shepard cleared his throat.
“Shepard Commander.”
Shepard swallowed, confused. It was a woman’s voice. A woman’s voice but oddly distorted, almost synthetic sounding. Was this a Geth? The figure stepped easily out of the cockpit and strode toward them. Shepard squinted. Its outline was vaguely Geth but it was also sort of…human.
“Shepard Commander,” it—she—said again.
That voice…that voice. God, it was both familiar and foreign at the same time.
Stepping forced himself to take another step forward on shaky legs. Something was off here but he had to say something. “Legion?” he asked tentatively.
“Affirmative.” Then the machine emerged fully from the haze and Shepard did a double take. Legion was…
Human?
But…
How?
>>Not human.<< Nairi corrected. >>Quarian. Or more precisely a Geth merged with a quarian.<<
It was true. Legion looked like a quarian female, slightly taller than Tali but unmistakably quarian. He couldn’t stop staring. Her face. God, he’d never seen a quarian without a mask before. Was this how they really looked? He’d never seen Tali’s eyes or been able to read her expressions. And the Geth had only flashlight heads with no discernible human features.
But this…being…in front of him was…was what? She was the most unusual creature he’d ever seen with dark, almost black skin and glowing brown eyes. Her features were both feline and robotic. If he stared into her eyes, he thought he could see right into her central core. A core that was alive with billions of entities, infinite consciousnesses, unfathomable intelligence.
Legion gave him a catlike grin before extending her hand. He was about to take it when he abruptly backed away.
He looked wildly over at Nairi who was watching them impassively from the sidelines. “I…I’m infected. You shouldn’t touch me. You will devolve just like him,” he motioned with his head over to the still sleeping Ozen.
Legion’s eyes briefly glowed brighter and she tossed her head to the side, mimicking human mannerisms. “Shepard, I am a synthetic. I cannot devolve.”
“Synthetic…?” This was too fucking weird. He stared at her, not realizing that he was gaping.
“We merged with our quarian creators,” she continued in her flat, almost monotonal voice. “It was the only way to survive the Reapers. We have become one platform together.”
Shepard hung his head, mind reeling and inwardly smarting with this news. This was exactly what he had fought to prevent: A merging of biologics and machines. It was exactly what the Reapers had done to every sentient species, perverting humans into husks, asari into banshees, turians into marauders. How was this any better or different? He felt his shoulders sag. Everything he had fought for, everything he thought he had achieved with the destruction of the Reapers had backfired. He had failed.
He should have fucking died.
>>No one can change what was destined to be, Shepard. Open your eyes. You yourself have been merged into one platform. Does that make you inherently evil?<<
This didn’t make him feel any better but he didn’t have time to think about this right now. Legion was reaching out with her odd, three-fingered hand to clasp his own.
“Shepard Commander,” she said, “It is good to see you again. We both have died and been reborn, it seems.”
Shepard ducked his head feeling inexplicably shamed by these words. By all rights, he should have died. Why was he still alive? He struggled to find words. “It’s…good to see you again, Legion,” he muttered finally but his voice sounded hollow. He couldn’t keep from searching her face. This was the machine who had helped him make it through the Omega 4 relay and find the Collector base? This was the machine that he had fought beside on countless missions and who he had finally helped broker peace with the quarians? This was the machine…he stopped himself. This was clearly no machine but it was also clearly not a biologic, either.
Legion was still holding his hand in hers. Her hand was hot compared to a human’s but it wasn’t unpleasant. Her eyes narrowed as she commented in her eerie voice, “You are unfamiliar with what we have become. You will understand soon, Shepard Commander.” She reached around with her other hand and patted him tenderly on the shoulder. “We have much to discuss.”
>>But you’ll have to do so on the Citadel.<< Nairi interjected. >>We cannot hold the barrier open for much longer. Our supply of Element Zero is running out.<<
Shepard cleared his throat, feeling a cold breeze blow down from the mountains and shivering. It reminded him that he was enjoying his last few seconds of his time on earth. How quickly it had passed! He didn’t even have time to feel nostalgic. He knew somehow that he was leaving for good. The life he had started with so much hope was over. Now he had to return to space. Sterile, futile space. It wasn’t fair. When would he be able to live his own life the way he wanted? When would he be truly free?
>>Not anytime soon. Now go.<< Nairi was half joking but nonetheless he felt stung.
He was about to say something harsh when he realized that she was stepping away from them. She was not planning to come along!
“Nairi!” he exclaimed, turning toward her. He knew she wasn’t really his daughter but it didn’t matter. He was closer to her than anyone. She knew all of his thoughts, shared all of his memories. She had been inside his mind for so long that he couldn’t remember what it had been like before she was born. He reached out to her, feeling cold and empty.
>>I am the new queen, Mother. I can’t come with you. I have a colony here to tend to.<< Her voice was soft, so much like Liara’s. He lurched toward her and grabbed her funny insect head in his hands. She gazed up at him with her twinkling red eyes, seeming to wink at him.
“Nairi! I…” he began but couldn’t find the words.
>>I know. I feel the same way. We may meet again someday. I think you know by now that anything is possible.<<
He refused to break down in front of Legion and fought to regain his composure. After an intense struggle, he stood up and, schooling his features, whispered, “I love you.”
Three words. Three simple words but he couldn’t remember the last time he had said them to anyone. He must have told his parents that he loved them but couldn’t remember doing so. He had never even told Kaiden that he loved him even though he had loved him deeply…and still did if he was honest with himself. It was strange to hear himself say “I love you” but he knew that what he said was true. He did love Nairi. He loved her as only a mother can love her children. He shook his head. What had happened to him? He loved a red brain worm that had lived as a parasite in his nutsack. Fuck. He really had gone crazy.
>>I am not a worm, nor am I a parasite.<< Nairi said indignantly before adding impishly: >>But it’s true that I lived in your ball sack.<<
He gave her a lopsided grin. She surprised him then by saying forcefully, >>And I love you, too. I will never forget you.<<
Squaring his shoulders and fighting back the tears that threatened to overwhelm him, Shepard stood up and turned to Legion. “We have to go. The barrier is going back up in a few minutes.”
***
Chapter 2
He was in shock the whole way back to the Citadel. Almost nothing registered: Leaving Earth’s atmosphere was a blur, though he did remember watching its beautiful, dark expanse stretching below him, the ocean’s rim illuminated by the fading evening light, the plain and mountains spreading out beneath them. He thought he could barely see the little shack and his farm with its tiny gardens on the edge of the sea but it was probably just his imagination. Then the Reaper’s eldritch barrier sprang closed behind them and all he could see was a deep, uniform blue. Earth was sealed completely from view.
They entered hyperspace shortly after passing the moon and reappeared at the newly restored Mass Effect relay, surrounded by a fleet of Geth fighters.
“We have an honor guard, Shepard Commander.”
He shook himself out of the heavy, numbness long enough to register the presence of a few Alliance craft. They were far outnumbered by the Geth, though. Apparently, the balance of power in the galaxy had shifted as a result of his actions against the Reapers. He had thought that biological life would eventually recover and become the undisputed heirs of the galaxy but instead he had achieved exactly the opposite. It appeared that artificial intelligence ruled and the biologics were secondary at best. Things were essentially the same as they would have been if he hadn’t intervened, only with the Geth in charge rather than the Reapers. How would the Geth rule? They had already merged with the quarians; how long before they merged with humans, asaris, and turians? Maybe they already had? He felt a chill run through him despite the warmth of the tight-fitting spacesuit that Legion had given him.
***
The office of the asari councilor
“Shepard has been contained in quarantine, Councilor.”
Aria T’Loak jumped, the blue tentacles on her head rising in alarm. She hadn’t heard the door to her office suite open. “Shit, EDI! Can’t you make more noise or something? If I had my taser, I’d of shot you.”
EDI, the artificially intelligent lifeform and former computer for Shepard’s ship, shifted, looking contrite. “I’m sorry, Councilor. Stealth mode is the default setting on this model.”
Aria shook her head, muttering, “I’m gonna have to make you wear bells around your ankles or something.” She’d had a pounding headache ever since she had learned that Shepard was not only alive but back in the Citadel. She looked up at the handsome male body that EDI inhabited, the body of an assassin and a brutal warrior. “Couldn’t you of chosen a different model to download yourself into? That one is…just creepy.”
“This unit is the only one available, Councilor, because, as you are no doubt already aware, my other platform is trapped with Commander Alenko on Mindoir.” EDI’s voice was the same cool female voice as always but the fact that it came out of Kai Leng’s mouth didn’t make it very reassuring. “Leng was mostly cybernetic. I salvaged his body after Shepard killed him. It is a most adequate model.”
Aria snorted, settling down in her couch again. (She had insisted on bringing her couch with her when she left the space station on Omega.) “Adequate, huh? Shit. That guy was a psychopath. He made me look normal.”
“You are worried that I will become unstable because I inhabit his platform? It is a rational concern.” EDI took a small step back and sloped her shoulders slightly. Aria was impressed by how naturally the AI inhabited Kai’s body. EDI continued, “I cannot rule out the possibility, but the odds are less than 0.00001%.”
Aria lifted a delicate, blue eyebrow. “That low, huh? Just be very careful when you introduce yourself to Shepard. You don’t want to scare the shit out of him. Leng almost kicked his ass back to Mindoir.”
EDI nodded her assent and Aria turned away. She didn’t have time to worry about EDI; she had much bigger concerns right now. The sudden reappearance of Shepard came at a delicate time and she wasn’t sure how the Geth would react to the capture of the man who nearly destroyed them.
She sighed and looked longingly out her window. How had she ended up becoming the asari councilor anyway? She was the probably the least qualified sister imaginable. She hated the asari government and held the majority of her sisters in contempt. Still, when they had approached her and asked her to take over as councilor on the Citadel, she couldn’t refuse. I’m just about the only asari left standing, she reminded herself bitterly. She had been lucky that Omega had escaped the fate of the asari homeworld, Thessia.
Geth had emerged as the dominant power in the galaxy after Shepard destroyed the Reaper threat. They seemed to have peaceful intentions but the fact that they outnumbered humans, turian, elcor, asaris, volus, trogans, and salarians by more than ten to one did not bode well for the future of biologics. For the moment, the Geth were preoccupied with merging with the quarians but that wouldn’t last long. She couldn’t help appreciating the irony that, in destroying the Reapers, Shepard had merely hastened the rise of machines. If things continued like this, every biologic in the galaxy would be a cyborg. What the fuck had Shepard done?
Aria sighed and rubbed her aching temples, asking, “Is there any news from Mindoir?” Mindoir was the other reason for her splitting headache.
EDI looked down at the floor before looking back at Aria. “The threat is contained for the moment.”
“Contained? How?”
There was a pause. “Indeterminate. We do not know what is holding Harbinger in place, nor do we know what is containing Commander Alenko’s ship. There appears to be a distortional field surrounding both the Reaper and the Normandy.”
“A field?” Aria pressed. “Like the one surrounding Thessia, Earth, and every other planet with sentient life in the galaxy?”
EDI shook her head. “Negative. This field is more like a fold in time. We have never encountered anything like it.”
Aria took a moment for this news to sink in. “A time warp, you mean? I didn’t think that was possible without massive infrastructure.”
“Negative,” EDI/Leng responded, shaking her (his?) head. “It is not a time warp. This is a multiple fold in the continuum of time in that location.”
“Shit,” Aria said, shaking her head. “That doesn’t sound good. Is it a threat?” She had no idea what the fuck a ‘multiple fold in the continuum of time’ meant but trusted the AI’s assessment.
EDI paced over to the window and stared outside, contemplating her reply. The artificial sun was setting, casting a rosy glow over the shining buildings. The sky was once again full of air taxis and transport vehicles as the Citadel slowly recovered. “Negative,” she said finally. “The field is beneficial; it is containing the Reaper threat. For now. The occupants of the Normandy likewise appear to be unharmed, although we cannot be certain. Our sensors cannot fully penetrate the containment field. And time, it seems, may be running differently inside the field.”
Aria slumped against her desk, holding her head in her hands. “Oh,” she said simply. Where was Anto Korragan, her trusty batarian henchman, when she needed him? She regretted sending him on the reconnaissance mission to Mindoir. He was the only one she could trust, though, and she needed reliable information. Unfortunately, he was aboard the Normandy with Commander Alenko. Trapped like a fucking rat, she thought sourly. Shit, I’m sorry, Anto!
“Do you want me to administer a painkiller for your headache?” EDI volunteered helpfully. “This model is also skilled in the art of acupressure.”
Aria stared up at the cyborg balefully, barely able to suppress a shudder. The thought of that butcher’s hands on her gave her the creeps.
After a long, uncomfortable silence, EDI continued, “In that case, I’ll see to my other duties. Shepard and Lieutenant Ozen should be done with their examinations now if you wish to interrogate them. If you do, I recommend studying this dossier before you go,” she said, holding out a tablet. “I think you’ll find the reports of Shepard’s activities very informative.” Placing the table on the arm of the sofa, she clicked her heels together and disappeared before Aria could look up.
Seriously creepy, Aria thought, watching the AI stalk off and reaching over to pick up the little tablet. Still, the thought of Shepard seeing EDI inhabiting Kai Leng’s body brought a rare smile to her face. I think I’ll let Shepard stew in the brig for a while. Admiral/Councilor Hackett is no doubt giving him a nice, long grilling.
Sliding her thumb across the screen while letting the biometric lens scan her retina, she unlocked the data pad and scowled down on it.
Her startled exclamation echoed through the room and out into the hallway.
***
Chapter 3
“Ungh,” Shepard moaned, lifting his head and then letting it drop. It landed on a hard surface. Metal? He opened his eyes but he was blindfolded. Even so, harsh light filtered through the cloth. The room smelled strongly of antiseptic. He knew almost instantly that he was lying on an examination table and his splitting headache was from going through a full quarantine scan.
“Patient Shepard is awake.”
It was a droid’s voice. Shit, they weren’t even letting human’s in the room with him! They really weren’t taking any chances. Clearly, the Alliance was aware that the barrier surrounding Earth was far from benign and didn’t want to risk infecting the Citadel with whatever contaminant he may have brought back with him.
“Shepard?”
It was Admiral Hackett’s voice coming through a speaker on the wall. He sounded weary and more than a bit incredulous. Shepard immediately sat bolt upright and hit his head on the exam light. Hearing the admiral’s voice still had that effect on him.
He stifled a moan and, saluting blindly with the cloth still over his eyes, exclaimed, “Admiral, sir!”
“At ease, Commander.”
Commander? So he hadn’t been stripped of his rank? That seemed unbelievable. He pulled the cloth off of his eyes, and squinted in the bright light. He was wearing a tiny gown that only barely covered his privates, such as they were. The truth was that he barely had anything down there to speak of anyway so the gown was more than adequate. He was surprised that they had even allowed him to wear a gown. The admiral was peering at him through a thick window, wearing the robes of a Councilor. He looked years older, his face drawn and his skin blotchy.
“Councilor Hackett?”
The admiral gave him a humorless smile. “Forced into it, I’m afraid. I was the highest ranking human left in the galaxy.”
Shepard swallowed, feeling the familiar guilt rise up. I’ll just have to get used to it, he thought bitterly. Everything here is going to remind me of my stupid decision. I’m such an asshole! Ozen is right; I don’t deserve to be alive.
“Councilor, I…”
“Skip it, Shepard. We’ll have time later to sing songs around the campfire. I’m sure you had your reasons for doing what you did and, truthfully, I’ll take a galaxy filled with benevolent Geth over one with malevolent Reapers any day.” He paused, a little of the old fire coming back into his eyes. “Shepard, we’re soldiers, dammit! We’re not diplomats! You were given a mission to eliminate the Reaper threat and you executed it perfectly. I can’t find fault with that.”
Shepard hung his head.
“Now I need you to complete that mission once and for all.”
Head still lowered, Shepard’s voice came through gritted teeth. “Harbinger is on Mindoir, isn’t he?” he muttered, before adding a tactical lie to cover the true nature of the Keepers, “Legion told me on the way back to the Citadel.” Someday soon the Keepers would have to reveal themselves but he wanted to make sure they did it on their own timeline. We do it on our own timeline, he corrected himself. He still had trouble thinking of himself as a Keeper.
If the admiral was surprised by his knowledge of Harbinger, he didn’t show it. “Yes and you need to get there and take him out. He’s the last Reaper left and we can’t leave him out there.”
Mindoir, Shepard thought bitterly. Everything leads back to Mindoir.
As hard as he’d tried to forget and move on, he just couldn’t outrun his past. His fervent hope of starting a new life on Earth and becoming a new man, a man of his own, had been just a stupid dream. Mindoir–not Earth!–defined him, had always defined him. Mindoir had made him into the man he was today. And Mindoir continued to hold sway over his life, his memories, and–if he allowed himself to be spiritual for a moment–his very soul.
He shivered. He really didn’t want to go back there. And he was so fucking tired of the Reapers. Why couldn’t he just go back to Earth and play in the soil, raise sheep, and knit wool sweaters?
But.
Kaiden Alenko.
Kaiden was on Mindoir.
Kaiden needed him.
He needed Kaiden.
Lifting his head, he fixed Hackett with a firm stare. “I’ll do it.”
“There’s just one problem,” came a thick voice behind him.
Shepard jumped and spun around on the exam table. He’d thought he was alone.
Ozen was seated on the table, his arms crossed, a little smile on his greatly-transformed, almost siminan, face. Shepard ogled up at him, unable to believe he was the same man who had crash-landed in the ocean. Shit, the dude had to be over two meters tall now! And talk about a fucking musclebound ape! He was so big that he had to wear two gowns to cover himself, one tied around his waist and another over his shoulders. They had administered a hair block on his body and he was now devoid of hair (except for a luxuriously thick, shaggy mop of it on his head) but this only served to accentuate the enormous muscles popping out everywhere. He had turned into a muscle beast!
Shepard stared at him before uncomfortably casting his eyes down at the table.
A beast.
Yes, a beast.
And a very handsome beast at that!
His delicate facial features had become blocky, heavy, and thick, but this only made him more magnetic. He was a brute of a man who oozed potent virility. It had an instant effect on Shepard and he had to quickly move the scant folds of his gown to cover himself as his cock started to stand up. This was one of the rare moments when he was grateful that the Illusive Man had shrunk his cock down to nub.
Ozen raised an eyebrow and Shepard flushed. The bastard knew that he was turning him on and was clearly relishing it.
Hackett, thankfully, appeared to be unaware of the sexual tension between the two men. “Yes,” he said in a gruff voice. “The lieutenant is correct. There is the…contamination…problem. You’re both infected with the virus or whatever it is that the Reapers deployed when they realized they were defeated and we don’t know how to treat it. If we let you out of here, you will infect the entire Citadel.”
Ozen didn’t react to this immediately. Stretching lazily, he dropped down off the table and sauntered over to stand next to Shepard. For a big man, Shepard noticed, he moved with surprising grace. Smirking, he pressed his bulging thigh against Shepard’s. When Shepard coughed and shifted away, Ozen shifted as well. Shepard’s face grew hot as he fought to maintain his calm. Why the fuck was Ozen doing this?
“Fortunately, Councilor,” Ozen said, his husky voice full of feigned innocence, “There is a way for Shepard and I to destroy the Reaper threat, though it is rather extreme and it involves some rather…unorthodox…measures.”
Aha! Shepard thought, understanding belatedly why Ozen was no longer behaving like a stupid ape. Being taken over by the queen had done more than stop his devolution; he’d also recovered his intellect. Before they’d left Earth, Ozen had barely been able to speak intelligibly but now he was clearly as smart as ever–even if his voice did still have a dull, heavy quality to it. Shepard stared up at him, feeling his neck grow warm. Ozen caught him staring and gave him a sly wink.
“I’m listening, Lieutenant,” Hacket said in a clipped tone. “We’ve been pushed in a damned corner here and I can’t afford not to take risks.”
Ozen surreptitiously moved his hand onto Shepard’s thigh, causing him to cough. “You are aware by now that Shepard and I are no longer completely human, yes?”
“That is what I’ve been told, though I find it hard to believe. Our scans do not indicate the presence of any foreign bodies in either of you.”
Oh, oh. Shepard thought. Ozen’s going to do it–or maybe he already did! How did Hackett know that he and Ozen weren’t completely human? How could he spill the Keepers’ secrets? Taking a deep breath, he relaxed. Oh, yeah, right. He is the queen, after all. If anyone should reveal the secrets of the Keepers, it should be him.
“That is because the Keepers become one with their hosts,” Ozen said, turning slightly so that he could run his hand under Shepard’s gown. His meaty hand was rough as it caressed Shepard’s tender flesh. Shepard had to stifle a moan. His head was swimming and his cock was standing at full attention.
“The Keepers?” Hackett repeated, crossing his arms. “What are you talking about? They’re just a bunch of giant, mindless insects,”
The disbelief in Hackett’s voice caused Ozen to stiffen and Shepard put a soothing hand on his shoulder–and was secretly delighted when Ozen didn’t shrug it off.
“No,” the lieutenant brazenly corrected, “they are not.” As he said this, he tickled Shepard’s little shaft with a fat forefinger, making him shiver. Stifling a moan, Shepard tried to push his hand away but the big man merely took the opportunity to grab his tiny cock between his thumb and forefinger. “The insects are merely our partners,” he continued, calmly talking over Shepard’s startled gasp. “The Keepers themselves are non-corporeal.”
Councilor Hacket ignored this information, asking instead, “You Ok, Shepard? You sound like you’re in pain.”
Taking a deep breath to settle himself, Shepard tried valiantly to extricate himself from Ozen’s grip but the man would not let go of his cock. He did, however, move his thigh slightly to conceal his hand from Hacket’s view. After a long struggle, he managed to choke, “No, I’m fine, Sir. Just feeling weak.”
“I’ll send in the android medic after we’re done to check on you,” Hacket offered before turning back to Ozen. “How do you know all of this, Lieutenant? It seems pretty far fetched if you ask me. Do you have proof?”
“I can give you proof but not right now.”
“Oh?” Hacket asked, his gravelly voice full of skepticism. “Why not now?”
Ozen jacked Shepard abruptly, causing him to choke. “Because to do so will mean the death of this human body…and Shepard’s.”
***
WIP Topping's Blog: Male Transformation stories 